In one sense, I'm kinda-sorta-lucky. I was told that there's a definition of a shaman as someone who's too tightly tied to the spirit world to handle without training (or being lucky enough to figure out stuff without training).
That happens to match my experiences. So, I'm somewhat more able to shed my feelings of "I should be more together about X or Y by now." I'm *supposed* to be a bit messed up and off-kilter.
It doesn't make living my life easy (or easier) but it does give me an excuse for the guilt over "why am I still dealing with this?"
But I also think that it's a bit of a cop-out to need such an excuse. Okay, in June of this year, I realized that I was badly out of shape. I'd always assumed I still had some cardio-vascular fitness, but if I had, I'd lost it. Well - all the complaining I could make about that, all the insults I could level at myself about "how could you let yourself *get* this out of shape, you lazy bum?" and all of the feelings that this fact engendered - none of those would do *anything* toward getting my heart stronger than it was. My heart was precisely as fit as it was, no more, and all of the feelings that it "should" be better wouldn't change the facts.
There were two things for me to consider. 1) Where was I now? (and I can't fool myself, because over-exerting my heart makes me feel like *crap*), and 2) What could I do today (if anything) to get me closer to where I want to be?
Everything else - frustration with where I was, anger at myself and at fate, a feeling of unfairness that this was my lot in life right now, etc. - was wasted energy. (Let me note, for the record, that I wasted a fair amount of energy. But even while complaining, I knew that it wasn't going to help, and that complaining too sincerely could hurt, rather than help.)
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That happens to match my experiences. So, I'm somewhat more able to shed my feelings of "I should be more together about X or Y by now." I'm *supposed* to be a bit messed up and off-kilter.
It doesn't make living my life easy (or easier) but it does give me an excuse for the guilt over "why am I still dealing with this?"
But I also think that it's a bit of a cop-out to need such an excuse. Okay, in June of this year, I realized that I was badly out of shape. I'd always assumed I still had some cardio-vascular fitness, but if I had, I'd lost it. Well - all the complaining I could make about that, all the insults I could level at myself about "how could you let yourself *get* this out of shape, you lazy bum?" and all of the feelings that this fact engendered - none of those would do *anything* toward getting my heart stronger than it was. My heart was precisely as fit as it was, no more, and all of the feelings that it "should" be better wouldn't change the facts.
There were two things for me to consider.
1) Where was I now? (and I can't fool myself, because over-exerting my heart makes me feel like *crap*), and
2) What could I do today (if anything) to get me closer to where I want to be?
Everything else - frustration with where I was, anger at myself and at fate, a feeling of unfairness that this was my lot in life right now, etc. - was wasted energy. (Let me note, for the record, that I wasted a fair amount of energy. But even while complaining, I knew that it wasn't going to help, and that complaining too sincerely could hurt, rather than help.)