Older, But No Wiser

[ladysprite]

So last year at about this time I posted a long, introspective, meandering ramble about the fact that somehow, when I wasn't looking and wasn't paying attention, I slipped into 'old' - or at least, 'older than I ever intended or wanted to be,' and how I wasn't quite sure how to cope with that.

I'm still not.

It's partly mental image, and partly worrying about what's appropriate at this age, but even more than that... to be honest, I had kind of figured that by the time I was this age, if I ever actually reached it, I would have all my petty, youthful crap sorted out. Not that I'd be problem-free; I know that doesn't happen. But I figured at least they'd be different problems.

I'm the age my mom was, more or less, when she started registering on my mental radar as a person, instead of just as MOM. And I don't remember my mom worrying about where she rated in her friends' lives, or about things from her childhood. She worried about grownup stuff.

I'm old enough that, when I went to type this sentence and start it off with my age, I got embarrassed and didn't want to write the number. There's a large part of me that feels like, at this point, I shouldn't still be dealing with issues from my childhood - I should have grown up, gotten over it, and moved on by now. I shouldn't be worrying about looking good, or social drama; those are games for people younger than me. I shouldn't be insecure; I've been on this planet long enough to figure this stuff out. I should be worrying about... I don't know. Other stuff. Grownup stuff.

I know, objectively, that none of this is true or even rational. And I know that this year is worse than most because I've been feeling sick, overwhelmed, stressed, isolated, and exhausted for the past month, give or take, so I'm already in a morose frame of mind. But at the same time... I figured by now, if I wasn't dead, I'd be somewhere mentally... better than this.

My challenge for next year is to figure out a way to be happy with where I am in life, when this day rolls around again.....

Comments

[johnpalmer.livejournal.com]

In one sense, I'm kinda-sorta-lucky. I was told that there's a definition of a shaman as someone who's too tightly tied to the spirit world to handle without training (or being lucky enough to figure out stuff without training).

That happens to match my experiences. So, I'm somewhat more able to shed my feelings of "I should be more together about X or Y by now." I'm *supposed* to be a bit messed up and off-kilter.

It doesn't make living my life easy (or easier) but it does give me an excuse for the guilt over "why am I still dealing with this?"

But I also think that it's a bit of a cop-out to need such an excuse. Okay, in June of this year, I realized that I was badly out of shape. I'd always assumed I still had some cardio-vascular fitness, but if I had, I'd lost it. Well - all the complaining I could make about that, all the insults I could level at myself about "how could you let yourself *get* this out of shape, you lazy bum?" and all of the feelings that this fact engendered - none of those would do *anything* toward getting my heart stronger than it was. My heart was precisely as fit as it was, no more, and all of the feelings that it "should" be better wouldn't change the facts.

There were two things for me to consider.
1) Where was I now? (and I can't fool myself, because over-exerting my heart makes me feel like *crap*), and
2) What could I do today (if anything) to get me closer to where I want to be?

Everything else - frustration with where I was, anger at myself and at fate, a feeling of unfairness that this was my lot in life right now, etc. - was wasted energy. (Let me note, for the record, that I wasted a fair amount of energy. But even while complaining, I knew that it wasn't going to help, and that complaining too sincerely could hurt, rather than help.)