Well, foof.

[ladysprite]

The problem, of course, with being grown up and reasonable and trying to maintain a semblance of emotional stability is having to behave in a grown-up, reasonable, emotionally stable manner. While this is infinitely more socially acceptable, it is far less emotionally filling, and it does nothing to help lance the blisters on my psyche.

I want to sulk. I want to throw things - hard, noisy, breakable things, not the nice tame stuffed animals I keep nearby to throw in a stable adult fashion. I want to say mean, hurtful things that will cut like knives, flaying people I care about. I want to make melodramatic statements and snap decisions that I'll regret later. I want to make myself bleed, just because I need some way for everything bubbling up inside to escape, and because having an actual physical manifestation of pain makes everything else so much easier to see.


But I can't. Because I'm doing my best to be a stable, reasonable, grown-up kind of person. So I sigh, and I ratchet the tension in my shoulders up another notch as I pull my fingernails out of my palm, and I tell myself that I'm fine. If I'm feeling indulgent, I'll even say something like 'Gosh, I'm kind of upset right now.' And I tell myself it'll go away over time, and won't I be happy then that I didn't do anything stupid and irrevocable? Very mature, very stable and reasonable. But it's about as satisfying as giving a starving man a photograph of a boullion cube.....

Comments

Well I can offer this if you like...

[pixel.livejournal.com]

"Come down to CT somw evening. I'll take you out to one of the great resturants in the area or my housemate can cook(she enjoys cooking for ppl so one more won't matter), then com back to the apartment and we can hang out, or you're more htan welcome to sit on the couch and read and ignore us all if you like. There is plenty of room for you to crash for the night. Then in the morning we can got Mo's Midtown for breakfast (incredible place including pancakes with at least four different kinds of fruit filling). Then we canvisit a few tag sales, spend some money buying particularly ugly and damageable stuff. Take them out to a quiet place and smash the hell out of them. Then cap it off with tea at the local tea bar. If you are feeling particularly inspired to activity we could even visit the New ENgland Carousel Museum or just drie downtown and ride the Bushnell Carousel.

If this sounds appealing, I can offer time and place as soon as this Sat evening thru Sunday. Heck I'm going ot be at a wedding in Boston on Sat so I could even pick you up and drop you off (assuming you don't mind riding with other ppl in the car.