Well, foof.

[ladysprite]

The problem, of course, with being grown up and reasonable and trying to maintain a semblance of emotional stability is having to behave in a grown-up, reasonable, emotionally stable manner. While this is infinitely more socially acceptable, it is far less emotionally filling, and it does nothing to help lance the blisters on my psyche.

I want to sulk. I want to throw things - hard, noisy, breakable things, not the nice tame stuffed animals I keep nearby to throw in a stable adult fashion. I want to say mean, hurtful things that will cut like knives, flaying people I care about. I want to make melodramatic statements and snap decisions that I'll regret later. I want to make myself bleed, just because I need some way for everything bubbling up inside to escape, and because having an actual physical manifestation of pain makes everything else so much easier to see.


But I can't. Because I'm doing my best to be a stable, reasonable, grown-up kind of person. So I sigh, and I ratchet the tension in my shoulders up another notch as I pull my fingernails out of my palm, and I tell myself that I'm fine. If I'm feeling indulgent, I'll even say something like 'Gosh, I'm kind of upset right now.' And I tell myself it'll go away over time, and won't I be happy then that I didn't do anything stupid and irrevocable? Very mature, very stable and reasonable. But it's about as satisfying as giving a starving man a photograph of a boullion cube.....

Comments

[janetmiles.livejournal.com]

If it would help, I will give you my phone number, and you can call and scream in my direction.

[tpau]

mm, but th ehope is that then the starving man will knwowhat he is looking for...

unfortunatly hapines sand stability are not the sorts of things you can convince yourself you have jsut by pretendingthat you do.

while it is probably not a good idea to flay your loved ones, if they are hurtingyou you hsould tell htem. not speakignfor anyone else but me, if i was doing something that was hurting you i would expect you tot05�me this, so i could you know, stop...

[dagibbs.livejournal.com]

Hm...

Sometimes being angry, and shouting and screaming, can be the healthiest way to deal with anger.

Sometimes crying and wailing can be the healthiest way to deal with sadness and/or grief.

Sometimes bottling things up, going numb, can be bad.

But, sometime it can be neccessary. It is a tough thing, and care for others can make striking out, hurting people just to be angry a tough thing. Especially if they're not why you're angry, but it isn't safe to express the anger towards who/whatever actually did make you angry. (e.g. you can't scream/yell/rage at your boss and/or co-worker, cause you'd lose your job... but you need to scream/rage at someone...)

And, even without that much letting it out, "I am completely and royalled pissed off" should be something you can admit to yourself, even if you can't admit it, or show it to the world. Being angry isn't childish, adults can, and should be angry. Especially about things that are wrong.

I'd send hugs & comfort, but it doesn't sound like that's what you need right now. And raging through a keyboard just doesn't work the same way, even if you do pound the keys really hard cause you're angry. The same release just isn't there.

So, I can't do much more than read, and try to tell you I care, and feel sorry for your poor shoulders.

Hm... I wonder if taking a good, heavy, men's belt, and folding it over, and beating a pillow with it might be a bit more satisfying than throwing stuff animals, and yet, still adultly and responsibly non-destructive.

[siderea]

Hear, hear.

Well I can offer this if you like...

[pixel.livejournal.com]

"Come down to CT somw evening. I'll take you out to one of the great resturants in the area or my housemate can cook(she enjoys cooking for ppl so one more won't matter), then com back to the apartment and we can hang out, or you're more htan welcome to sit on the couch and read and ignore us all if you like. There is plenty of room for you to crash for the night. Then in the morning we can got Mo's Midtown for breakfast (incredible place including pancakes with at least four different kinds of fruit filling). Then we canvisit a few tag sales, spend some money buying particularly ugly and damageable stuff. Take them out to a quiet place and smash the hell out of them. Then cap it off with tea at the local tea bar. If you are feeling particularly inspired to activity we could even visit the New ENgland Carousel Museum or just drie downtown and ride the Bushnell Carousel.

If this sounds appealing, I can offer time and place as soon as this Sat evening thru Sunday. Heck I'm going ot be at a wedding in Boston on Sat so I could even pick you up and drop you off (assuming you don't mind riding with other ppl in the car.

[asdr83.livejournal.com]

It is perfectly acceptable and unreasonably satisfying to throw shoes. I've been surviving not being able to rage at many mnay people by doing so. Wooden ones down a hallway are especially good. It is massively theraputic and no one gets hurt and you don't even have to buy new things. Just gather shoes in a bag, find a hallway and then throw with all your force (screaming and raging at the shoes the whole time is key) I swear it helps.

[alexx-kay.livejournal.com]

While behaving in a "grown-up, reasonable, emotionally stable manner" may indeed seem to be "more socially acceptable", I think that that's actually only true in the short-term. When you "sigh, and I ratchet the tension in my shoulders up another notch as I pull my fingernails out of my palm, and I tell myself that I'm fine", these are not invisible actions. I certainly notice them, and I presume that people who are closer to you notice them even more.

Perhaps you should consider actually throwing the tantrums you want to throw. They are an honest part of you. By bottling them up, you become Not-Becky. Not-Becky is a lot tenser and grouchier than Becky. And, frankly, much less fun to be around. If you stay Not-Becky for too long at a stretch, you may find that that is, in the long run, far more socially unacceptable. Your friends can forgive the occasional tantrum. I'm not sure that they can forgive you turning into a betrayal of yourself.

[evcelt.livejournal.com]

Sometimes you need to vent. Find someone outside of the situation, whom you feel safe with, and do it.

Somtimes you need to break stuff. Go to the nearest thrift store, buy some cheap-ass crockery, and whale the hell out of it.

Well foof???

[cristovau.livejournal.com]

Foof??? Is that the strongest language you can muster? Foof! If not venturing into the cathartic lang of four letter words, at least grace us with %%&*#% characters that we can let fill in. Or use my next example.

If any (obscene gerund) bothers you I will (intensifying explitive) fry them...

And have a (intensifying explitive) hug, sweetie.

[rufinia.livejournal.com]

I've been pondering this all day.

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I've been pondering this all day.

<lj-user "alexx_kay"> is right. Being grown up and adult means dealing with your feelings healthily. And it doesn't sound like what you're doing now is healthy for you.

I have a set of dishes that have a lot fewer saucers than I'm supposed ot have be cause I would put them in ziplocks and thrown them against the wall. My dishes, no mess, no cut feet, no foul (And the crashing sounds is music). The garage (rummage? Yard?) sale season will be starting any second now, and we can get you some nasty-ass dishes to throw. And a supply of heavy-duty ziplock baggies to put them in. And that may help release some of the tension.

[outlander.livejournal.com]

In high school, a friends mother did just taht--and had a wall of her basement devoted to the pastime. Whenever we needed to, she let us come over and throw old dishes. I second the vote to search for old dished to break and destroy while using destruction to vent feelings.

[vettecat.livejournal.com]

Maybe I shouldn't ask, but - did I miss something? What are you so upset about? Anything I can do?