Lair of the Lost Girl

I am home from Arisia now, and only just starting to recover from the overwhelmingly emotional experience that the charity raffle was.

I spent more or less my entire con at the raffle table, and I don't mind at all - it was kind of nice to sit and watch the world come to me, and we were positioned so that that's exactly what happened. Our raffle table was right at the foot of the escalators that led to the dealer's room, volunteer area, art show, teen lounge, and con suite, so I think that everyone in the con walked past us at one point or another.

tpau and I set up to start selling raffle tickets around noon on Friday, and for about 3 days straight that's what we did. We sold tickets, and chatted up everyone who walked by. And somehow, our little raffle - my goofy idea that started as a whim a year ago - became something huge. I feel like everyone at the con decided to take part ownership in it, in an awesome way. Not in that they tried to take credit, or take something away from us, but in a way that let everyone be part of something good by joining us.

Dealers saw us, and started running out to ask if they could donate prizes, even before I had the chance to go in and ask. Guests saw us and came hurrying back with autographed copies of their books. The Writer's Workshop decided to use their brainstorming to create another prize. It felt like every time I turned around, there was something new on our table, being added to the list of prizes.

And people bought tickets. And bought tickets. And bought more tickets. We had lines of people waiting to buy, at some points. People bought tickets, called their friends, and then came back for more. And while they were buying tickets they talked to us, and shared their stories about their own histories - fighting cancer, or working in charity, or... just about anything. And then we raffled off our prizes, and got to make people happy by giving them awesome stuff - even if many of them weren't there to hear their name called, there were enough present to make it feel a bit like playing Santa, and the rest were all smiles when they came to pick their prizes up.

I feel more like a part of the Arisia community than I ever have before. I feel exhausted and overwhelmed and a little shell-shocked, but most of all I feel good.

In the end, we sold 5,218 tickets to 376 people - over 10% of the con attendees. And we brought in...

wait for it....

$4000.

In my wildest dreams I imagined MAYBE earning this much. But I acknowledged in my heart of hearts that these were ludicrous, absurd, ridiculous and unrealistic dreams, and that we'd probably honestly make about half that. And here we are. $4000. In 3 days. From a few hundred amazing people.

Special thanks to tpau for being my teammate in all this, to umbran for being my pillar and my support, to jadasc, baron_saturday, dagibbs, and metaphysick, and to Dan-who-is-not-on-LJ for helping set up, tear down, do data entry, make change, tear tickets, write names over and over again, and generally hug me and keep me sane when sometimes things got a little bit overwhelming.

I think I'm going to collapse now. And maybe cry. In a good way....

Okay, then.

Stuffing is assembled, and ready to go in the oven when it's time. Pumpkin gingerbread and cranberry-apple pies are done and cooling. Gravy base is finished, just waiting for the turkey drippings to be made into a roux and simmered in. Olive tapenade and lemon-mint-pepper ricotta are done and waiting to go on bruschetta.

Bread has been cubed for bread pudding; that'll go in the oven just when we sit down to eat. Green beans have been snapped. Hazelnuts are toasted and being chopped as I type this. Turkey is brining, and will be coming out to go into the oven in about 20 minutes - umbran is on top of that, bless his heart.

And.... that's it. It's too early to peel potatoes or start the custard for the bread pudding; succotash is going to be a last-minute toss in the skillet. There's going to be the standard last-minute rush around the kitchen about a half an hour before we eat, as I saute green beans and mash potatoes and whisk gravy and try to get all the last-minute bits timed just so, but for the moment, I think I'm caught up.

In three hours my house will be full of friends and family and loved ones. I love this holiday. Right now, though, I think I'm going to sit down for a few, catch my breath, and enjoy the peace....

On the one hand, I feel a bit guilty that I haven't gotten around to mentioning this yet, in my list of gratitudes. On the other hand, today more than any other day, it seems appropriate.

I am grateful for my friends, and for living a life surrounded by people who care about me, and for me. I've joked that I seem to draw white knights and protectors to me like a magnet draws sewing needles, but it's true - and I cherish this fact more than I can say, even while I'm not quite sure what I've done to deserve it.

And today I have a blue rose and a card from a friend who heard I was having a rough day at work and snuck out to my office to deliver them to me (and a handful of slightly confused coworkers, who aren't quite sure what to make of the handful of non-spouse guys who show up to meet me after work, deliver flowers, or otherwise drop by the office for greetings and hugs). I have a mashup of 'Sweet Home Alabama' and 'Werewolves of London,' hunted down by my pet DJ. I had a warm home and dinner cooking when I finally escaped from work, and a new issue of Cooks Country to entertain me - another gift from my amazing husband. I have an invitation waiting for a new game, courtesy of another dear friend who is doing a truly Herculean job of cheerleading and supporting.

I am lucky beyond belief, and I am surrounded by affection and support. I have no idea why, but I am not going to argue it....

The interesting thing about this exercise in gratitude is realizing just how many things I have in my life to be grateful for. It doesn't make the challenges go away, but it does help provide a bit of perspective, and balance.

Today I'm most grateful for having learned how much of an impact keeping warm has on my mental and emotional well-being, and my ability to tolerate the cold, dark parts of the year. (Yes, I know that for normal humans it's not REALLY cold yet. For me, it's already into uncomfortable and bordering on intolerable.)

Winter has always made me miserable. But I am forewarned now, and forearmed with things like silk longjohns and tights and chemical handwarmers, and I know when I come home that I can put on my polar fleece top and burrow into the blankets on the sofa with a mug of tea and thaw myself out until it doesn't feel like winter anymore. I can't make it not-dark anymore, but at least I can keep the chill under control.....

And some days I'm just grateful that it's over. That soon I'll be able to curl up in bed with my cat purring next to me, listening to my husband read to me until I fall asleep.

One of the best things I ever realized was that all days end eventually. That no matter how scary or rough or frustrating or stressful or busy, at some point it's not going to be today anymore. Soon I will declare this day finished, no matter what, and tomorrow it'll start over new. Some of the same problems may still be there, but they won't all be, and the new day won't have all the same baggage.

So. G'night, y'all. Fresh start tomorrow.

It's a little on the late side, and I'm a little on the tired side, and I spent a good bit of today in social situations that wound up taking energy instead of restoring energy, so there's a part of me that doesn't want to do this right now.... but there's a larger and more stubborn part of me that says this is exactly the time that I should be working on this.

So, something simple, tonight. I'm grateful for the gray ribbed cardigan that I made for myself a few weeks ago. It's soft and warm and it fits just about perfectly, and it lets me keep from freezing when everyone else in the room wants the window open and I'm curled up in a tiny ball trying not to freeze. And not being cold makes everything else so very much easier.

As a second, bonus note, I am grateful that I am learning how to manage my own responses and my anxiety levels, so that when I'm in a situation that, a year or a few months ago, might have wound up triggering a panic attack, I can now take a few minutes, step away, and manage to stay, if not cheery and bright, at least level-headed and self-aware.

It's a step.

First things first - thank you so much to everyone for your sympathy, compassion, and well-wishes for Moxie. It means a lot to me to know that there are so many people who care about her, and are rooting for her. Alas, I can't pursue any sort of action against the tech who was taking care of her; there's no law against doing a lousy job of taking care of a kitten; the most I can do is make sure I don't put any patient of mine or pet of mine in her care again.

Now, the better news. Miss Mox herself is doing remarkably well. Better than I would have thought possible. Friday night it was a little bit touch-and-go; she was weak and disoriented and having trouble with food. But she took a bottle again without any problems, and by the next morning she was looking better.

She ate more over the weekend than I would have thought possible for such a tiny animal, and we gave her a serious bath to get some of the staining and junk off her fur. And she ate, and she ate, and she ate. By Sunday morning, she was almost back to herself.

She's still emaciated, but she's starting to get a little bit of a full-belly instead of a hollow belly. And if she can't run laps around the sofa for a half hour straight, she's at least running, and playing, and trying to jump over my sneakers.

And hey, she used the litterbox for the first time today. It may just be random chance, but it's a start.

In one sense, I'm almost angry at this - it proves that it *was* just starvation that was causing her signs, and not some degenerative neurological condition like the other hospital was claiming. Which... yay, for getting better, but boo for confirming that my baby was nearly killed by negligence.

End result, though, happy healing kitten, and that's all I can ask for.

Y'all put out some powerful mojo when you try, you know that?

This is my favorite holiday.

My mother is here, visiting me. There's a pecan pie cooling in the pantry, a couple of appetizers waiting in the fridge along with a pumpkin chiffon layered dessert. Gravy has been made, and is waiting to be warmed. The vinaigrette for the broccoli has been made, the sausage for the stuffing has been browned, and the green beans are snapped and ready to roast.

In an hour I'll take the turkey out of the brine and put it into the oven, and start peeling potatoes and prepping the apple cake. Not long after that, friends will show up. My angel of a husband has tidied the house, we've got the extra leaf set into the dining room table, and right now we're enjoying a bit of calm before the storm.

I can't imagine being happier than I am right now, looking forward at the rest of the day. I am so blessed, with my home and my husband, and my friends, and my life - being able to have a safe place, to have the resources to put together a celebration like this and the people to share it with.

Thank you. To my friends, to my family, to the world. Things may not be perfect... but right now and right here, they're pretty darn good.

In between all the garbage that life is throwing at me right now, with work trauma and time pressure and tragedy and other things, I need to remember that I actually have a darn good life.

I have a house that I love more every day. I have a husband whom I adore, who loves me and treats me like an angel. I have cats that curl up on my lap and purr, and I have a career that I love, even if sometimes the individual details are less than perfect.

Most of all, I have some of the best friends in the world. Friends who will hug me for as long as I need, who come out of the woodwork to take care of the cats at the last minute, who will pull out silly hats and shiny things to distract me from bad news or give me trinkets to brighten my day.

I am really, truly lucky....