Well, foof.

[ladysprite]

The problem, of course, with being grown up and reasonable and trying to maintain a semblance of emotional stability is having to behave in a grown-up, reasonable, emotionally stable manner. While this is infinitely more socially acceptable, it is far less emotionally filling, and it does nothing to help lance the blisters on my psyche.

I want to sulk. I want to throw things - hard, noisy, breakable things, not the nice tame stuffed animals I keep nearby to throw in a stable adult fashion. I want to say mean, hurtful things that will cut like knives, flaying people I care about. I want to make melodramatic statements and snap decisions that I'll regret later. I want to make myself bleed, just because I need some way for everything bubbling up inside to escape, and because having an actual physical manifestation of pain makes everything else so much easier to see.


But I can't. Because I'm doing my best to be a stable, reasonable, grown-up kind of person. So I sigh, and I ratchet the tension in my shoulders up another notch as I pull my fingernails out of my palm, and I tell myself that I'm fine. If I'm feeling indulgent, I'll even say something like 'Gosh, I'm kind of upset right now.' And I tell myself it'll go away over time, and won't I be happy then that I didn't do anything stupid and irrevocable? Very mature, very stable and reasonable. But it's about as satisfying as giving a starving man a photograph of a boullion cube.....

Comments

[dagibbs.livejournal.com]

Hm...

Sometimes being angry, and shouting and screaming, can be the healthiest way to deal with anger.

Sometimes crying and wailing can be the healthiest way to deal with sadness and/or grief.

Sometimes bottling things up, going numb, can be bad.

But, sometime it can be neccessary. It is a tough thing, and care for others can make striking out, hurting people just to be angry a tough thing. Especially if they're not why you're angry, but it isn't safe to express the anger towards who/whatever actually did make you angry. (e.g. you can't scream/yell/rage at your boss and/or co-worker, cause you'd lose your job... but you need to scream/rage at someone...)

And, even without that much letting it out, "I am completely and royalled pissed off" should be something you can admit to yourself, even if you can't admit it, or show it to the world. Being angry isn't childish, adults can, and should be angry. Especially about things that are wrong.

I'd send hugs & comfort, but it doesn't sound like that's what you need right now. And raging through a keyboard just doesn't work the same way, even if you do pound the keys really hard cause you're angry. The same release just isn't there.

So, I can't do much more than read, and try to tell you I care, and feel sorry for your poor shoulders.

Hm... I wonder if taking a good, heavy, men's belt, and folding it over, and beating a pillow with it might be a bit more satisfying than throwing stuff animals, and yet, still adultly and responsibly non-destructive.

[siderea]

Hear, hear.