Sunrise Inside
Right now - this very minute - I'm in a good mood. I have been since last night, and I'm hoping it lasts. Because I feel better right now than I have in a long damn time.
Part of this is having gotten away for a few days. Escaping from the world and my problems, and being gently but firmly steered away from fretting when it hit, helped a lot. Part of it is knowing that I'm going to get away again this weekend, for a game. There are a bunch of other little good things adding to it too, though. I splurged and bought myself the new Kelley Armstrong novel. I've gotten kind, caring, supportive messages from so many friends. I went shopping for costuming and props and managed to find everything I needed. I've just finished a couple of big crafting projects, and while that carries with it the sadness of no longer working on them, it means I get the joy of giving them to the people they were made for. Heck, the fact that I'm happy about giving them is a marvel in and of itself; I can look at them and realize that they're good, instead of just shrugging and telling myself that they're crap and I should be ashamed to share them.
All of these things add together to let me feel both happy and hopeful, and I had forgotten how good that felt. My husband has a job interview today, and while I know it's not a guarantee, I'm at least optimistic - if this doesn't pan out, it's still a step in the right direction. The character I'm playing in this coming weekend's larp is going to be a challenge for me - she's much more outwardly confident than I am, and the part includes some self-promotion and performance that pushes the limits of what I'm comfortable with - but right now I at least think I might be able to do it.
I've been in a pretty bad headspace lately, and I know I'm not completely out. But after not being able to feel anything other than fluctuations between bleakness and panic, cautious optimism is a good thing. I've also reached a point where I can look back at where I have been and start figuring out exactly what was going on inside my head, and why, but that's a subject for another, less public, post. Right now I'm just going to enjoy feeling like this, and hope that it can stick around for a while....
Part of this is having gotten away for a few days. Escaping from the world and my problems, and being gently but firmly steered away from fretting when it hit, helped a lot. Part of it is knowing that I'm going to get away again this weekend, for a game. There are a bunch of other little good things adding to it too, though. I splurged and bought myself the new Kelley Armstrong novel. I've gotten kind, caring, supportive messages from so many friends. I went shopping for costuming and props and managed to find everything I needed. I've just finished a couple of big crafting projects, and while that carries with it the sadness of no longer working on them, it means I get the joy of giving them to the people they were made for. Heck, the fact that I'm happy about giving them is a marvel in and of itself; I can look at them and realize that they're good, instead of just shrugging and telling myself that they're crap and I should be ashamed to share them.
All of these things add together to let me feel both happy and hopeful, and I had forgotten how good that felt. My husband has a job interview today, and while I know it's not a guarantee, I'm at least optimistic - if this doesn't pan out, it's still a step in the right direction. The character I'm playing in this coming weekend's larp is going to be a challenge for me - she's much more outwardly confident than I am, and the part includes some self-promotion and performance that pushes the limits of what I'm comfortable with - but right now I at least think I might be able to do it.
I've been in a pretty bad headspace lately, and I know I'm not completely out. But after not being able to feel anything other than fluctuations between bleakness and panic, cautious optimism is a good thing. I've also reached a point where I can look back at where I have been and start figuring out exactly what was going on inside my head, and why, but that's a subject for another, less public, post. Right now I'm just going to enjoy feeling like this, and hope that it can stick around for a while....