Sunrise Inside

[ladysprite]

Right now - this very minute - I'm in a good mood. I have been since last night, and I'm hoping it lasts. Because I feel better right now than I have in a long damn time.

Part of this is having gotten away for a few days. Escaping from the world and my problems, and being gently but firmly steered away from fretting when it hit, helped a lot. Part of it is knowing that I'm going to get away again this weekend, for a game. There are a bunch of other little good things adding to it too, though. I splurged and bought myself the new Kelley Armstrong novel. I've gotten kind, caring, supportive messages from so many friends. I went shopping for costuming and props and managed to find everything I needed. I've just finished a couple of big crafting projects, and while that carries with it the sadness of no longer working on them, it means I get the joy of giving them to the people they were made for. Heck, the fact that I'm happy about giving them is a marvel in and of itself; I can look at them and realize that they're good, instead of just shrugging and telling myself that they're crap and I should be ashamed to share them.

All of these things add together to let me feel both happy and hopeful, and I had forgotten how good that felt. My husband has a job interview today, and while I know it's not a guarantee, I'm at least optimistic - if this doesn't pan out, it's still a step in the right direction. The character I'm playing in this coming weekend's larp is going to be a challenge for me - she's much more outwardly confident than I am, and the part includes some self-promotion and performance that pushes the limits of what I'm comfortable with - but right now I at least think I might be able to do it.

I've been in a pretty bad headspace lately, and I know I'm not completely out. But after not being able to feel anything other than fluctuations between bleakness and panic, cautious optimism is a good thing. I've also reached a point where I can look back at where I have been and start figuring out exactly what was going on inside my head, and why, but that's a subject for another, less public, post. Right now I'm just going to enjoy feeling like this, and hope that it can stick around for a while....

Comments

[monster-girl.livejournal.com]

You will be great this weekend!!!! I have faith in you! :) I hope things stay well for you! You deserve some smiles.

[dagibbs.livejournal.com]

w00t! Big happy congratulatory *hugs*. :)

[wcg.livejournal.com]

Hey, this is good! It's nice to see you feeling so positive and happy and hopeful.

[ladymondegreen.livejournal.com]

I'm really looking forward to being in a LARP together. Aren't we playing sisters?

[ladysprite.livejournal.com]

I think so. :) Though I'm also pretty sure that you're not supposed to talk to me, since I'm all bad and stuff....

[ladymondegreen.livejournal.com]

I know! Ran away to be an exotic dancer. I know I'm not supposed to talk to you ... but there's this boy, and you're my big sister, and maybe you'll have some advice for me. ;)

[aries-walker.livejournal.com]

I love playing characters who are what I'm not; it's fun and universe-expanding to play someone doing things that I otherwise would never do. ZQ* began very much like I am in many respects but I've realized over time he's developed characteristics (rather on his own) that I don't have, like a temper, a drinking habit, and perspective-blinding religion.

I'm casting this weekend, and the characters there (although I still have some movie-watching to do) are also different in their own way - as is the concept of casting at all.

In short, I'm looking forward to this weekend, too.

[pagawne.livejournal.com]

It makes me feel good to know you are doing so much better. I often wish you were closer so we could just talk over various "projects" and pots of tea.

[evcelt.livejournal.com]

Getting away (and not fretting) can do wonders. Glad you're feeling good!

[vettecat.livejournal.com]

Hope the interview went well!