What's Going On?

Martha's Vineyard is, quite possibly, a very small piece of heaven here on Earth. After I went to Hawaii my first thought was that, when I die, if I'm very good I'll get to go there - now, having been to the vineyard, I think that that might actually be my first choice. I'm too much of a New Englander at heart to ever be completely happy spending the rest of my life in a lush, tropical place; I need the occasional mist and chilly breeze, and the lilacs, and the rocky beaches, and the weathered wooden houses.

Not that I don't like Hawaii, and that I wouldn't be happy to spend a few months there every year, of course.

Escaping for a weekend helped a lot. The panic was still there nibbling at the back of my mind, but fresh air and walks and the smell of the ocean helped, as did the externally-enforced unplugging and pampering. I am lucky to have a handful of people in my life who will take care of me when I'm incapable of taking care of myself, for any reason.

And my hospitalized friend is slowly doing better, and umbran starts his new job today, and those are good.

And there's still stress and tension and anxiety in my world, and I'm trying to take care and be reasonable and keep myself on an even keel, as much as possible. And some people have asked me what they can do to help. Well, here's what:

Reach out to me. When I'm in the middle of troublesome times like this, it's hard to keep all the work I've done in mind, and I fall back into troublesome thought patterns - in particular, it's very easy to fall back into beliefs that I'm unwelcome, that people don't want me in their life, that nobody cares about me, that I don't deserve to be in the world. And while I can reach out, sometimes, that doesn't help as much - it's easy to convince myself that if I have to reach out, that the responses I get aren't sincere. That people are just tolerating me, or being nice, and that they really would rather I just go away.

I *know* these aren't reasonable responses. I know that I'm a little broken. But right now, I don't have the cope to maintain my own balance by myself, and I could use a little help. There are a few truly amazing people who have been helping with this, sending care packages or inviting me out or just chatting with me in the evenings, and that helps a lot. But if other people want to help, that's what you can do.

Just call me, or send me a text message. IM me if you see me online. Email me. Not even about anything in particular - tell me about your day, ask about mine, show me a picture of your baby, tell me about the movie you just saw. Remind me that I'm part of the world, and that it's okay for me to be there, and that the world is more than the challenges I'm facing right now.

And even if you don't, thank you, just for being here and reading this. Even that helps.