ladysprite (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
ladysprite) wrote2012-12-26 10:46 am
ladysprite) wrote2012-12-26 10:46 am
Entry tags:
Not Quite Ready For This
So I've told you all about my little brain-damaged kitten. How cute she is, and how goofy she is, and how she's really not the sharpest tool in the shed.
What I haven't mentioned is that, over the past month or so, she's started to go downhill. She's always been a bit dim, but when we came back from Italy we noticed that she just wasn't as playful as she used to be. I can't remember the last time I've seen her run or jump. Instead, she just spends most of her time curled up in a little ball. She lost her litterbox training, too - for the better part of a year she was using the box on a fairly regular basis, but not for a couple of months now.
And it's getting harder to keep her clean because of that. She doesn't know to get away from her messes. And she's being less and less... efficient about her eating, as well. Even bathing her twice a week and keeping her shaved, she's at a level of mess that's not sustainable. And I just don't have the time or resources to bathe her daily.
For the past couple of weeks she hasn't been eating very well, either. It's like we're back at when she was a baby - she'll cry for food, but it seems like as soon as she's had a few bites and doesn't feel actively hungry, she forgets what she's doing and just wanders off or stares into space. Yesterday and today, she won't eat at all unless we hold her head at the bowl.
She's having more seizures. My best guess is that her brain damage is progressing. And I can't do much of anything about it. She's not functional. Her life is down to just sitting, sleeping, peeing, and crying. Every once in a while she'll take a few steps, but that's about it.
At the same time, though... she's still my baby. She still likes to be held, and to be around people - if she's downstairs with us, she'll try to follow us into the kitchen or the living room. And I can't trust my own opinion on this - am I keeping her around too long because I don't want to acknowledge how bad things are, and I can't say goodbye? Am I letting go too soon because I'm frustrated at all the work and cleaning and mopping and bathing, and I just can't be bothered to give her the time and energy she needs?
I don't know what to do, but I need to decide soon. I don't know if she can continue like this much longer.
Stupid kitten.
Edited to add Tomorrow is the day. I took her in to work with me today and everyone there could tell she wasn't herself. She's down to 2.5 pounds, she's crying at any stimulus, and she's not eating. Damnit.
What I haven't mentioned is that, over the past month or so, she's started to go downhill. She's always been a bit dim, but when we came back from Italy we noticed that she just wasn't as playful as she used to be. I can't remember the last time I've seen her run or jump. Instead, she just spends most of her time curled up in a little ball. She lost her litterbox training, too - for the better part of a year she was using the box on a fairly regular basis, but not for a couple of months now.
And it's getting harder to keep her clean because of that. She doesn't know to get away from her messes. And she's being less and less... efficient about her eating, as well. Even bathing her twice a week and keeping her shaved, she's at a level of mess that's not sustainable. And I just don't have the time or resources to bathe her daily.
For the past couple of weeks she hasn't been eating very well, either. It's like we're back at when she was a baby - she'll cry for food, but it seems like as soon as she's had a few bites and doesn't feel actively hungry, she forgets what she's doing and just wanders off or stares into space. Yesterday and today, she won't eat at all unless we hold her head at the bowl.
She's having more seizures. My best guess is that her brain damage is progressing. And I can't do much of anything about it. She's not functional. Her life is down to just sitting, sleeping, peeing, and crying. Every once in a while she'll take a few steps, but that's about it.
At the same time, though... she's still my baby. She still likes to be held, and to be around people - if she's downstairs with us, she'll try to follow us into the kitchen or the living room. And I can't trust my own opinion on this - am I keeping her around too long because I don't want to acknowledge how bad things are, and I can't say goodbye? Am I letting go too soon because I'm frustrated at all the work and cleaning and mopping and bathing, and I just can't be bothered to give her the time and energy she needs?
I don't know what to do, but I need to decide soon. I don't know if she can continue like this much longer.
Stupid kitten.
Edited to add Tomorrow is the day. I took her in to work with me today and everyone there could tell she wasn't herself. She's down to 2.5 pounds, she's crying at any stimulus, and she's not eating. Damnit.
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If you still are second-guessing your judgement, maybe checking in with a colleague might help?
(This all goes back to my question many times with a friend of mine who was a healer..."Who heals the healer?" Does it sound silly that sometimes you might need to consult the advice of someone who is in your profession but may be able to look at the situation with less emotional attachment?)
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Virtualvirtue's comment is dead on... consult a colleague? May help you make a clearer choice.
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In the horse community the standard saying is "Better a day too early, than a week too late."
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Sorry the poor thing isn't doing better, but she had the best mommy in the whole world, and the best life. I hope you remember that!
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Like ravenrose, I can directly sympathize, as we had to make the same sort of decision with Mr. Brutus a few years ago...
Bast watch over Moxie and you.
::more hugs::
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Based solely on your description - noting that I'm not there on the ground...I'm thinking it's time.
You gave her a life she wouldn't have had, otherwise. But it seems like the time you gave her is running out. Celebrate the fact that you gave her that time, rather than beating yourself up for what you can't do for her.
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There are not enough words to tell you how much I honor and respect you for taking Moxie in and giving her the best life available.
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*comfort*
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I'm so sorry. :-S
Wish I was there to give the hugs in person and hold your hand.
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Good kitten.
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