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The life I planned....
Nov. 2nd, 2001 06:28 pmIt's warm out tonight, much warmer than I'd expect November to be. Warm enough that I could drive home with my windows open - it's rare to be able to enjoy the clean, sharp smell of autumn without freezing your nose and fingers off, but tonight I could. But it's definitely creeping on towards winter - at 5:30 pm, it was nearly full dark, and all I could see of the world was the golden circles of my headlights and the streetlights. There wasn't too much to see... the cozy, tame suburb I live in pulls in on itself after dark, leaving me alone with the breeze and the trees, their dead leaves lining the streets like wrapping paper scattered across a living-room floor on December 26th.
A couple of nights ago I was watching 'Andromeda,' and one line caught my attention - one of the characters commenting that 'most people don't get to lead the lives they plan for themselves.' That line has stayed with me since then, popping up in my mind at odd times, because... well, I *did*. I am living the life I planned for myself, and I hadn't realized quite how odd that is.
I remember being in sixth grade, writing stories about the girl I wished I was. She had long red hair, and was thin and pretty, and had friends who liked her, and was going to be a veterinarian. She made her own choices, and did what she felt was right. Last year, walking across campus, I caught my reflection in a glass door out of the corner of my eye, and I didn't recognize it at first - because I didn't see me, I saw her.
It's even more real, now. I'm finally becoming myself, living the life that I planned and promised that I would. It still doesn't feel quite real.... part of me has a hard time believing that I actually get paid to dress up like a doctor and pretend I know what I'm doing. But it is real. I have the big, important bits, the job and the apartment, and the little details that make the big ones work - my cat curled up on my lap, a mug of tea to keep me warm as the last heat of the day fades away into night.... If this isn't happily ever after, it's got to be as close as the world will let us come.
So... what do I do now?
A couple of nights ago I was watching 'Andromeda,' and one line caught my attention - one of the characters commenting that 'most people don't get to lead the lives they plan for themselves.' That line has stayed with me since then, popping up in my mind at odd times, because... well, I *did*. I am living the life I planned for myself, and I hadn't realized quite how odd that is.
I remember being in sixth grade, writing stories about the girl I wished I was. She had long red hair, and was thin and pretty, and had friends who liked her, and was going to be a veterinarian. She made her own choices, and did what she felt was right. Last year, walking across campus, I caught my reflection in a glass door out of the corner of my eye, and I didn't recognize it at first - because I didn't see me, I saw her.
It's even more real, now. I'm finally becoming myself, living the life that I planned and promised that I would. It still doesn't feel quite real.... part of me has a hard time believing that I actually get paid to dress up like a doctor and pretend I know what I'm doing. But it is real. I have the big, important bits, the job and the apartment, and the little details that make the big ones work - my cat curled up on my lap, a mug of tea to keep me warm as the last heat of the day fades away into night.... If this isn't happily ever after, it's got to be as close as the world will let us come.
So... what do I do now?
