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All my life, as I've moved from one stage and one place to the next, I've moved from one circle of friends to another. Over the past year or so, I've realized just how difficult it can be to move backwards, to try to rejoin a circle that I had stepped out of. I think I'm just now beginning to realize that, while the circles themselves may not move physically, they're always moving within themselves - shifting and changing as the individuals develop and grow, so that what may look like the same group from the outside isn't at all the group you left. The hole that was created when I moved away isn't there anymore. The people I knew aren't the same, and neither am I, and I don't fit into the space that's there now.
This weekend I noticed this pretty strongly - and at the same time, I realized that new circles are always there, new openings to step into, new dances to join. Moving back into a community I was missing from for four years is awkward. The people who were my best friends last time I was there.... aren't anymore. We nod, and smile, and hug, and run out of things to say within a few minutes, and both wander off feeling a little awkward. The oddest thing, for me, is not feeling overly upset about this. There isn't the inner histrionics that usually accompanies the realization that, in some way, I've lost a friend. They're still a part of my life, and I still look forward to seeing them, just not in the same way.
At the same time, there are new people I look forward to seeing. People who have been there all along, but that I never managed to get to know before. I don't know if I was too busy with other friends, or they were, or we just weren't in the right places to fit into each other's lives before, but now we are. One of the high points of the con for me was getting to spend a few hours sitting and chatting with people I hadn't taken the time to get to know previously, and finding out that they're incredibly fascinating people that I could really enjoy being friends with. Nothing earth-shattering or life-changing, but a general happiness.
For the first time in a long, long time, I'm comfortable with where I am and who I am, and how that person fits into the lives of those around me. It's almost a scary feeling, but not enough to spoil the goodness of it....
This weekend I noticed this pretty strongly - and at the same time, I realized that new circles are always there, new openings to step into, new dances to join. Moving back into a community I was missing from for four years is awkward. The people who were my best friends last time I was there.... aren't anymore. We nod, and smile, and hug, and run out of things to say within a few minutes, and both wander off feeling a little awkward. The oddest thing, for me, is not feeling overly upset about this. There isn't the inner histrionics that usually accompanies the realization that, in some way, I've lost a friend. They're still a part of my life, and I still look forward to seeing them, just not in the same way.
At the same time, there are new people I look forward to seeing. People who have been there all along, but that I never managed to get to know before. I don't know if I was too busy with other friends, or they were, or we just weren't in the right places to fit into each other's lives before, but now we are. One of the high points of the con for me was getting to spend a few hours sitting and chatting with people I hadn't taken the time to get to know previously, and finding out that they're incredibly fascinating people that I could really enjoy being friends with. Nothing earth-shattering or life-changing, but a general happiness.
For the first time in a long, long time, I'm comfortable with where I am and who I am, and how that person fits into the lives of those around me. It's almost a scary feeling, but not enough to spoil the goodness of it....
