Physician, Heal Thyself

It's not fair. I'm a veterinarian, I fix people's critters all day long. Mine aren't supposed to get sick. Or if they do, it's supposed to be a minor inconvenience - I know what I'm doing, I can just toss them in the car on the way to work, figure out the problem on my lunch break, and have them better by the end of the day. I solve problems like this for a living.

So when my cat stopped eating on Sunday, I thought... no big deal. He probably ate something with excessive non-food content, I'll hustle him into the office the next morning, snap a quick x-ray, figure a solution. Worst-case scenario, my coworker will cut him open and take out the offending item. Better before it's even really started.

Except the x-rays were pretty much normal. So was the bloodwork. So was the physical exam. I had my most trusted colleague double-check me, just to make sure I wasn't missing anything. And we started on what the profession refers to as 'conservative treatment,' which is doctor-speak for 'we're just going to shotgun this because we don't know what's wrong.'

And he's still not better. I've run every test I can think of. I've tried tasty foods. I've tried vitamin supplements. I've tried acupuncture. I've tried yelling and crying and telling him that I'm a doctor and he's supposed to be better damnit, and none of it is working. And the worst part is that I don't know what's wrong.

If he had cancer, I could come to terms with it. If he had an intestinal obstruction, I could fix it. If he had a broken back, or a rare metabolic disorder, or massive organ failure, I would at least know what was going on and what, if anything, I could do to help. But... I have no idea what's wrong, and so I don't know if there's something I should or could be doing that would make everything better. And while I know that animal medicine is like this sometimes, I can't help thinking that if I can't fix my own pet, what good am I? I can't make him better, and I can't face going on without him, and I can't face myself knowing that I may be letting him suffer.

I'm being hideously melodramatic and overbearingly freakish about this, I know. He is getting better, slowly - he ate almost half his food today, and took a little treat. And healing isn't instantaneous, as I tell at least three clients a day. It's different when it's my baby, though. And until about a week after he's completely healed, I'll still be running around in a frenzy. And if he doesn't get better....

I don't want to think about that.