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Breathing Deeply
Mar. 8th, 2005 10:52 pmFor the first time in months, I finally feel like I can relax and exhale. It's a scary, kind of alien feeling - I've been crumpled up into a ball of anxiety and worry and pessimism for so long that it almost aches, like using muscles that have atrophied.
My husband is gainfully employed, with a real full-time job that pays something like a living wage. I've got enough work to last me through most of the month, and a couple of interviews for full-time positions. And in the meantime, relief work is turning out to be amazingly enjoyable - the clinics are nice, the staff treat me like I'm a gold-plated goddess, and they've already started requesting that I come back when they need coverage in the future. It's amazing how much being appreciated professionally has turned my world around, and it makes me wonder just how much internal damage was done when that was missing.
The promise of financial stability is strong healing magic, too. Money isn't everything, I know, but the lack can make life look pretty grim. But somehow it looks like, over the next few months, we'll be going from scraping along and surviving by eating away at the savings while surreptitiously searching for a cheaper place to live to comfortable and safe. And with that biggest of all worries out of the way, not needing to wonder if we'll be able to cover rent long-term, a lot of other worries and issues and complexities suddenly seem so much smaller and more handle-able.
I can breathe again. I can unclench my shoulders. Damn, it feels good.
My husband is gainfully employed, with a real full-time job that pays something like a living wage. I've got enough work to last me through most of the month, and a couple of interviews for full-time positions. And in the meantime, relief work is turning out to be amazingly enjoyable - the clinics are nice, the staff treat me like I'm a gold-plated goddess, and they've already started requesting that I come back when they need coverage in the future. It's amazing how much being appreciated professionally has turned my world around, and it makes me wonder just how much internal damage was done when that was missing.
The promise of financial stability is strong healing magic, too. Money isn't everything, I know, but the lack can make life look pretty grim. But somehow it looks like, over the next few months, we'll be going from scraping along and surviving by eating away at the savings while surreptitiously searching for a cheaper place to live to comfortable and safe. And with that biggest of all worries out of the way, not needing to wonder if we'll be able to cover rent long-term, a lot of other worries and issues and complexities suddenly seem so much smaller and more handle-able.
I can breathe again. I can unclench my shoulders. Damn, it feels good.
