![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Sometimes I worry that I've really forgotten how to be happy.
I've been so tired, and so worried, and so stressed and panicky and upset for so long. When I'm not having to be strong and deal with problems in my own life, when things have been going smoothly for me, I've had to put any spare energy into being strong and dealing with problems in other people's lives. I don't mind; I like the fact that my friends can count on me - but it's left me with an energy debt that I don't know if I can earn back.
The worst part is, I don't know if it's an actual energy debt or just a way of life that I've slipped into without noticing. I *think* differently now. I've always prided myself on trying to look on the sunny side - if not always in relation to myself and my life, at least with the rest of the world. Now I just feel so cynical that I can't stand it. I'm short-tempered and frustrated, and the worst possible side of things is always the first to come into my mind.
I hate it. I hate, hate, hate it, and I don't know how to stop. I've beat it before, I know, but I was nineteen then, and my only outside responsibility was making it to class often enough that I didn't fail - a heck of a lot less responsibility than being a doctor, though it didn't feel like it at the time.
I don't want to do anything but crash out on the sofa and stare at the ceiling. Getting the enthusiasm to move is hard. And at the same time, it makes me miserable to think about the fact that I have nothing to do but sit around and exist while everyone I know is out and busy and active - I want to be up and out and doing things, but I don't have anything to do or anyone to do it with. I know it's just a matter of perspective and initiative, but each problem still makes the other worse.
I know that I just need to push past this, and force myself into the happy-perky zone, and that if I pretend hard enough and long enough it'll eventually start being true. But I don't know if I have the oomph to start....
I've been so tired, and so worried, and so stressed and panicky and upset for so long. When I'm not having to be strong and deal with problems in my own life, when things have been going smoothly for me, I've had to put any spare energy into being strong and dealing with problems in other people's lives. I don't mind; I like the fact that my friends can count on me - but it's left me with an energy debt that I don't know if I can earn back.
The worst part is, I don't know if it's an actual energy debt or just a way of life that I've slipped into without noticing. I *think* differently now. I've always prided myself on trying to look on the sunny side - if not always in relation to myself and my life, at least with the rest of the world. Now I just feel so cynical that I can't stand it. I'm short-tempered and frustrated, and the worst possible side of things is always the first to come into my mind.
I hate it. I hate, hate, hate it, and I don't know how to stop. I've beat it before, I know, but I was nineteen then, and my only outside responsibility was making it to class often enough that I didn't fail - a heck of a lot less responsibility than being a doctor, though it didn't feel like it at the time.
I don't want to do anything but crash out on the sofa and stare at the ceiling. Getting the enthusiasm to move is hard. And at the same time, it makes me miserable to think about the fact that I have nothing to do but sit around and exist while everyone I know is out and busy and active - I want to be up and out and doing things, but I don't have anything to do or anyone to do it with. I know it's just a matter of perspective and initiative, but each problem still makes the other worse.
I know that I just need to push past this, and force myself into the happy-perky zone, and that if I pretend hard enough and long enough it'll eventually start being true. But I don't know if I have the oomph to start....
