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Inappropriate Emotions
Mar. 6th, 2006 10:23 pmGuilt is a funny emotion. I'm not sure it really makes much sense at all - if you're feeling guilty about something you know you shouldn't have done, remorse might be a more appropriate and useful emotion, and feeling guilty about something you had no control over or haven't done wrong is utterly wasted and wrong. I think the entire feeling may have been created by religion, and just forced into the human sunconscious over the past thousand years or so. Unfortunately, that doesn't stop us (or me, at least) from feeling guilty, usually when there's absolutely no reason to.
I was at Intercon all this past weekend. I had a magnificent time, visiting with friends I don't see often enough, dressing up in faboo costumes and playing splendid games and dancing until my feet were bruised and generally shutting the world out while I wallowed in fun.
When I got home last night, I found a series of messages on my answering machine from my mother. She had been trying to reach me since Friday (admittedly, she could have called my cell phone, but she is a bit of a Luddite so I won't criticize her too much for not thinking of that) - apparently my godmother has been diagnosed with metastatic breast cancer, and is seriously thinking of forgoing chemotherapy.
And all I can think about is the fact that I was away hiding and having fun while my mother was trying to find me and needing someone to share her pain with, and while my godmother, who is like a second mom to me, is somewhere in the midwest dying of cancer. I didn't know, and I had no way of knowing, and being home waiting by the phone in case bad news just happens to come is an entirely absurd way to live and wouldn't have prevented the problem at all, but it still feels like a betrayal to be happy when other people you love aren't.
I didn't even send her a holiday card this year. Of course, I never have - our relationship isn't like that, and I'm not sure what she'd do with a holiday card from me if I sent one - but now, all of a sudden, it seems like a hellish oversight on my part.
I miss my godmother. And I feel even more guilty for missing her more now that I know I won't have her for long. And I know it's stupid to feel that way, and that doesn't stop me.
Pardon me while I wallow in misery for a little while. At least I have the leftover emotional high from the weekend to keep it from pulling me in too deep....
I was at Intercon all this past weekend. I had a magnificent time, visiting with friends I don't see often enough, dressing up in faboo costumes and playing splendid games and dancing until my feet were bruised and generally shutting the world out while I wallowed in fun.
When I got home last night, I found a series of messages on my answering machine from my mother. She had been trying to reach me since Friday (admittedly, she could have called my cell phone, but she is a bit of a Luddite so I won't criticize her too much for not thinking of that) - apparently my godmother has been diagnosed with metastatic breast cancer, and is seriously thinking of forgoing chemotherapy.
And all I can think about is the fact that I was away hiding and having fun while my mother was trying to find me and needing someone to share her pain with, and while my godmother, who is like a second mom to me, is somewhere in the midwest dying of cancer. I didn't know, and I had no way of knowing, and being home waiting by the phone in case bad news just happens to come is an entirely absurd way to live and wouldn't have prevented the problem at all, but it still feels like a betrayal to be happy when other people you love aren't.
I didn't even send her a holiday card this year. Of course, I never have - our relationship isn't like that, and I'm not sure what she'd do with a holiday card from me if I sent one - but now, all of a sudden, it seems like a hellish oversight on my part.
I miss my godmother. And I feel even more guilty for missing her more now that I know I won't have her for long. And I know it's stupid to feel that way, and that doesn't stop me.
Pardon me while I wallow in misery for a little while. At least I have the leftover emotional high from the weekend to keep it from pulling me in too deep....
