Why I Should Never Have Children

A very dear friend of mine just had his first daughter born this weekend. I'm happy for him, honest and for true, and for all of my friends who have had kids in the past year - I've lost track of how many that is, at this point. And sometimes, once in a blue moon, I feel a little bit envious and wonder if maybe I ought to rethink my absolute ban on children of my own.

Then I listen to the children's radio station, and I hear songs like the one that was playing last night - a terminally cute and reassuring little ditty about how monsters may seem scary but they aren't real at all and noone should believe in them - and I realize exactly why I can never breed, and should never be given responsibility for shaping the minds of other small, impressionable human beings. I can just envision the conversations now....

'Mommy, there's a monster in my closet!'
'Well, it's your monster, you deal with it. Mommy is sick and tired of fighting closet monsters - why do you think she blocks her closet door shut with cardboard boxes at night?'

'Mommy, Janey next door says there's no such thing as werewolves!'
'Janey is an ignorant little twerp, and we'll just see whose blood runs red under the next full moon when Mr. Jones across the street reveals his true beastly nature, won't we?'

'Mommy, there's a boogeyman under my bed!'
'Don't worry, sweetie. Boogeymen are fatally allergic to spinach and won't touch anyone who has eaten it within the past two day.... oops. *YOU* wouldn't eat your vegetables last night, isn't that so? Well, you know what that means, don't you? We'll just save your toys and dolls for the next time mommy and daddy make a baby, and hope that the next one turns out to be better behaved than you.'

Yeah, I think I'll stick to cats. They know better than to listen to me.