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Fighting The Urge
Apr. 12th, 2007 10:56 pmI feel like I'm waiting, in every aspect of my life. Waiting for my back to get better. Waiting for campaign games to start. Waiting to find the right job. Waiting for a chance to work on writing the game. Waiting for the time and money to do the traveling I need to do. Waiting for other things I really can't talk about yet, because they're still.... well, waiting to happen.
All of this has left me feeling extremely antsy, impatient, and impotent. Usually, when I feel like this, I wind up falling into body-image problems, and start dieting. I've managed to dodge that this time, but I still have the overwhelming urge to Do Something Now, preferably to my body and my appearance.
I want to bodymod, and I want it now. I want to cut my hair in a pixie cut and dye it forest-green. I want to pierce something. I want a tattoo. I want permanent, tangible proof that I can affect myself and my world in a real and immediate way.
Unfortunately, I'd hate the haircut within about 48 hours, and I can't maintain unnatural colors with my job. I've run out of body parts that I'm willing to stick needles through, and I have yet to come up with a tattoo that I'm certain I'll still want in 20 years. Or, rather, I have one that I want, but I have yet to find someone who can write Laban notation.
Wigs and henna tattoos don't work, either. They don't feel like doing something; they feel like proof that I can't.
Oh, well. I'll bake something tomorow; maybe that'll help. Or maybe a pedicure will fix this. I sure hope so, otherwise by Monday it'll be a toss-up whether I'll be in CVS buying stockpiles of Dexatrim or at the Piercing Pagoda, throwing away another year's worth of opportunities to donate blood in exchange for another earring I don't need or want....
All of this has left me feeling extremely antsy, impatient, and impotent. Usually, when I feel like this, I wind up falling into body-image problems, and start dieting. I've managed to dodge that this time, but I still have the overwhelming urge to Do Something Now, preferably to my body and my appearance.
I want to bodymod, and I want it now. I want to cut my hair in a pixie cut and dye it forest-green. I want to pierce something. I want a tattoo. I want permanent, tangible proof that I can affect myself and my world in a real and immediate way.
Unfortunately, I'd hate the haircut within about 48 hours, and I can't maintain unnatural colors with my job. I've run out of body parts that I'm willing to stick needles through, and I have yet to come up with a tattoo that I'm certain I'll still want in 20 years. Or, rather, I have one that I want, but I have yet to find someone who can write Laban notation.
Wigs and henna tattoos don't work, either. They don't feel like doing something; they feel like proof that I can't.
Oh, well. I'll bake something tomorow; maybe that'll help. Or maybe a pedicure will fix this. I sure hope so, otherwise by Monday it'll be a toss-up whether I'll be in CVS buying stockpiles of Dexatrim or at the Piercing Pagoda, throwing away another year's worth of opportunities to donate blood in exchange for another earring I don't need or want....
