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I'm Done Now.
Dec. 27th, 2008 05:46 pmI hope, beyond all powers of hope, that all of the bad stuff that's pouring down on me and my friends right now is just 2008 getting the last bits of evil out of its system in time for an amazing and splendid and good-beyond-belief year to come.
At least, that's how I'm choosing to think about it right now. Because if I don't, I'm going to curl up in a tiny little ball and start crying and I don't know when or if I'll be able to stop.
More of my friends have lost family members in the past two weeks than have lost socks. I had to cancel my trip home to see my mom for Christmas because I had too many wakes to go to. I'm still slow enough in the work department that I'm starting to have nightmares about work and money. And today my mother called to tell me that my great-aunt had a stroke, and is in the hospital, incapacitated and incoherent.
And I can't take much more of this. I don't know what else is going to happen, what's going to go wrong next, or how I'm going to dredge up the reserves of my energy to cope and smile and Be There for everyone.
I love my aunt. I used to go visit her farm in Maine for a couple of weeks every summer - it was my chance to run away for a little while, and feel special, and ride the neighbor's horses and read her ancient yellowing copies of Louisa May Alcott novels and swim in the lake and have someone who paid attention to *me* for my own sake. And it's hurt so much over the past few years watching her suddenly become old, and now... this. I have to go visit her, and I want to, and at the same time I don't - I want to run away as far and as fast as I can.
I want to hide under a blanket and go to sleep and not wake up until next year. Barring that, I want to just not get any bad news for at least a week.....
At least, that's how I'm choosing to think about it right now. Because if I don't, I'm going to curl up in a tiny little ball and start crying and I don't know when or if I'll be able to stop.
More of my friends have lost family members in the past two weeks than have lost socks. I had to cancel my trip home to see my mom for Christmas because I had too many wakes to go to. I'm still slow enough in the work department that I'm starting to have nightmares about work and money. And today my mother called to tell me that my great-aunt had a stroke, and is in the hospital, incapacitated and incoherent.
And I can't take much more of this. I don't know what else is going to happen, what's going to go wrong next, or how I'm going to dredge up the reserves of my energy to cope and smile and Be There for everyone.
I love my aunt. I used to go visit her farm in Maine for a couple of weeks every summer - it was my chance to run away for a little while, and feel special, and ride the neighbor's horses and read her ancient yellowing copies of Louisa May Alcott novels and swim in the lake and have someone who paid attention to *me* for my own sake. And it's hurt so much over the past few years watching her suddenly become old, and now... this. I have to go visit her, and I want to, and at the same time I don't - I want to run away as far and as fast as I can.
I want to hide under a blanket and go to sleep and not wake up until next year. Barring that, I want to just not get any bad news for at least a week.....
