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Reacquainting Myself With Old Fondnesses
May. 12th, 2010 07:13 pmThe challenge with giving myself take-it-easy time is fighting the overwhelming feeling that I *should* be doing something else. Part of it is guilt at inactivity, but even more present is the feeling that if I were just a more interesting person I would have something to be doing, instead of sitting on the sofa reading.
This is ludicrous, given that I'm doing my best to avoid obligations like that specifically so I can have more time to sit on the sofa and read, or go for walks, or exercise, but the idea is still there in the back of my mind, however hard I try to fight it.
And I realized that, at least in part, it's because somehow I've reached a point where reading doesn't register to my mind as doing something. I've been a bookworm all my life, but I used to be able to sit and read for hours on end, without feeling restless or like I was wasting time. Over the past several years, though, reading has become something I do in bits and pieces. Five minutes here waiting for rehearsal to start, ten minutes between bedtime and lights out to try to stop my mind from racing, maybe 15 or 20 minutes at lunch break, while I'm eating a sandwich and fielding phone calls from clients. I haven't taken time to sit and read, and so I've gotten out of the habit and the mindset.
All the more reason to focus on it now. Not just this minute, in the estimated 3-4 minutes between posting this and serving dinner, but this month in general. I've got a stack of books waiting for me that I can't wait to dig into, and I want to remember what it feels like to spend a half hour or an hour curled up with just them. No IM, no sandwich in one hand and phone on hold tucked between my shoulder and my ear, not while I'm sitting in my car in the parking lot waiting for the clinic to open. Just me, and my book, and no calling myself names because of it.
Let's see if I can manage it....
This is ludicrous, given that I'm doing my best to avoid obligations like that specifically so I can have more time to sit on the sofa and read, or go for walks, or exercise, but the idea is still there in the back of my mind, however hard I try to fight it.
And I realized that, at least in part, it's because somehow I've reached a point where reading doesn't register to my mind as doing something. I've been a bookworm all my life, but I used to be able to sit and read for hours on end, without feeling restless or like I was wasting time. Over the past several years, though, reading has become something I do in bits and pieces. Five minutes here waiting for rehearsal to start, ten minutes between bedtime and lights out to try to stop my mind from racing, maybe 15 or 20 minutes at lunch break, while I'm eating a sandwich and fielding phone calls from clients. I haven't taken time to sit and read, and so I've gotten out of the habit and the mindset.
All the more reason to focus on it now. Not just this minute, in the estimated 3-4 minutes between posting this and serving dinner, but this month in general. I've got a stack of books waiting for me that I can't wait to dig into, and I want to remember what it feels like to spend a half hour or an hour curled up with just them. No IM, no sandwich in one hand and phone on hold tucked between my shoulder and my ear, not while I'm sitting in my car in the parking lot waiting for the clinic to open. Just me, and my book, and no calling myself names because of it.
Let's see if I can manage it....
