ladysprite | Jan. 31st, 2011

It's the end of the first month of the year, and I realized that, while I've posted a lot about the lousy stuff happening, and a little about trying to boost my mood, I haven't posted much about What's Going On In General. I started out the year hoping it would turn out to be better than the last one - and the answer to whether it has been or not so far is... well, challenging and complicated.

There has been a hell of a lot of badness going on, that I've already mentioned here. I've been sicker than any time before in my adult life.

umbran screwed up his back while shoveling snow, and has been struggling with coping with it. I lost a friend, and a major pillar of the community, and her loss is moving through everyone like an earthquake, and we don't know what the shape of our world is going to be when it's done. The world is cold, and icy, and scary.

And when this much badness and bleakness is going on - especially when everyone is dealing with loss together - there's an unspoken and unreasonable pressure to not be happy, to not talk about good things, that doing so means that you're somehow not part of the shared grief, didn't care enough, didn't love enough. No one says it, and I'm pretty sure that no one actually even thinks or feels it - but the pressure is there, just the same.

That said.... with all the misery, at the same time, there are so many awesome things going on in my life and my world.

I'm taking tango classes, and loving every minute of it. It's a fairly alien style of movement for me, almost as much as Middle Eastern dance was at first. The leaning-forward posture always feels a little like falling, and the fact that the lead comes from the torso instead of the arms is taking some getting used to. But our teacher is a genuine Character, the friend that I'm taking with is a wonderfully good sport, and we can diffuse most of our stumbles with a grin and a laugh. And amazingly, the rest of the class all seem to be friendly, cheerful, easygoing folks who have no problem learning and sharing partners.

I've also had the chance to reconnect with a couple of friends lately that I was afraid were falling (or had fallen) away, including a weekend runaway that I desperately needed. There's something about even the smallest change of scenery, and getting away from home, that can make a big difference in frame of mind - it's making a new setting, where you don't have to bring along everything that's scary and painful at home.

My work situation is complicated, but in a positive way. I am flattered and delighted to know that some of the best clinics I've ever had the good fortune to work at respect me and my medicine, and appreciate having me on their team.

And most of all, there have been friends. Over the past few weeks it has been made heart-achingly, abundantly clear just how many good people I have in my life, who care about me and are here for me - and who invite me into their lives to be there for them. It's a little scary and overwhelming sometimes to realize how much love and friendship I have in my life, and I think that's why I forget occasionally; it just doesn't seem realistic or believable. I've wondered a lot recently how I've managed to be so lucky and so blessed, but the few people I've speculated to about this out loud have all done the gentle verbal equivalent of bopping me on the head with rolled-up newspaper and told me that it's not luck. I'm not sure I believe them. Either way, it is amazing.

I have so much goodness right now, and so much to look forward to. The list of Things To Do This Year is growing, and becoming more exciting every day. I have plays and shows to go see, and restaurants to visit. I have a trip to Latvia this summer. There's the 3 Day to crew in July, and planning for next year's fundraising. There will be more dance classes, and maybe cake decorating classes, and SCA events to teach at, and games to play in, and Stiletto Spy School, and trips to take with friends, and I don't know how I'm going to fit it all into one life, but I can't wait to try.

So yeah. Things are crummy, right now, but things are also amazing.

As a note, while I am not walking in the Susan G. Komen 3 Day For the Cure this year, I will be participating in the event again, with

tpau, this time as crew. As crew, I'm not required to fundraise - and be warned, we *will* be walking again in 2012, so I'll be hitting folks up for donations then. But if you still want to donate this year, you're more than welcome to; my participant page is here.