Not Quite Ready For This

So I've told you all about my little brain-damaged kitten. How cute she is, and how goofy she is, and how she's really not the sharpest tool in the shed.

What I haven't mentioned is that, over the past month or so, she's started to go downhill. She's always been a bit dim, but when we came back from Italy we noticed that she just wasn't as playful as she used to be. I can't remember the last time I've seen her run or jump. Instead, she just spends most of her time curled up in a little ball. She lost her litterbox training, too - for the better part of a year she was using the box on a fairly regular basis, but not for a couple of months now.

And it's getting harder to keep her clean because of that. She doesn't know to get away from her messes. And she's being less and less... efficient about her eating, as well. Even bathing her twice a week and keeping her shaved, she's at a level of mess that's not sustainable. And I just don't have the time or resources to bathe her daily.

For the past couple of weeks she hasn't been eating very well, either. It's like we're back at when she was a baby - she'll cry for food, but it seems like as soon as she's had a few bites and doesn't feel actively hungry, she forgets what she's doing and just wanders off or stares into space. Yesterday and today, she won't eat at all unless we hold her head at the bowl.

She's having more seizures. My best guess is that her brain damage is progressing. And I can't do much of anything about it. She's not functional. Her life is down to just sitting, sleeping, peeing, and crying. Every once in a while she'll take a few steps, but that's about it.

At the same time, though... she's still my baby. She still likes to be held, and to be around people - if she's downstairs with us, she'll try to follow us into the kitchen or the living room. And I can't trust my own opinion on this - am I keeping her around too long because I don't want to acknowledge how bad things are, and I can't say goodbye? Am I letting go too soon because I'm frustrated at all the work and cleaning and mopping and bathing, and I just can't be bothered to give her the time and energy she needs?

I don't know what to do, but I need to decide soon. I don't know if she can continue like this much longer.

Stupid kitten.

Edited to add Tomorrow is the day. I took her in to work with me today and everyone there could tell she wasn't herself. She's down to 2.5 pounds, she's crying at any stimulus, and she's not eating. Damnit.

( Moxie Christmas.... )

Gone

I couldn't make her wait.

She was worse this evening than she was this morning. She wouldn't eat at all, even when I held her, and when I picked her up she was so cold.... and she wouldn't either rest or wake up all the way.

I am blessed enough to have a good relationship with the staff of a nearby clinic, and when I called they let me come in and help her pass. It was quick, and at least she's not suffering now.

We only had her for a year and a half. It feels so much longer, and nowhere near long enough. I wish I could have done more for her. I wish I could have fixed her, instead of just worked around her problems. I wish she could have lived forever.

She was so tiny and so ridiculous and so dumb and goofy and she would run around the house in circles and leap into the air for no reason. She never figured out how to climb the stairs, or eat solid food, but what she lacked in functionality she made up for in love.

Rest in peace, Moxie kitten. I love you.

( Poor little midget.... )