Scary

[ladysprite]

Sometimes I worry that I've really forgotten how to be happy.

I've been so tired, and so worried, and so stressed and panicky and upset for so long. When I'm not having to be strong and deal with problems in my own life, when things have been going smoothly for me, I've had to put any spare energy into being strong and dealing with problems in other people's lives. I don't mind; I like the fact that my friends can count on me - but it's left me with an energy debt that I don't know if I can earn back.

The worst part is, I don't know if it's an actual energy debt or just a way of life that I've slipped into without noticing. I *think* differently now. I've always prided myself on trying to look on the sunny side - if not always in relation to myself and my life, at least with the rest of the world. Now I just feel so cynical that I can't stand it. I'm short-tempered and frustrated, and the worst possible side of things is always the first to come into my mind.

I hate it. I hate, hate, hate it, and I don't know how to stop. I've beat it before, I know, but I was nineteen then, and my only outside responsibility was making it to class often enough that I didn't fail - a heck of a lot less responsibility than being a doctor, though it didn't feel like it at the time.

I don't want to do anything but crash out on the sofa and stare at the ceiling. Getting the enthusiasm to move is hard. And at the same time, it makes me miserable to think about the fact that I have nothing to do but sit around and exist while everyone I know is out and busy and active - I want to be up and out and doing things, but I don't have anything to do or anyone to do it with. I know it's just a matter of perspective and initiative, but each problem still makes the other worse.

I know that I just need to push past this, and force myself into the happy-perky zone, and that if I pretend hard enough and long enough it'll eventually start being true. But I don't know if I have the oomph to start....

Comments

[braider.livejournal.com]

Find things that make you quietly, selfishly happy. Do at least one of them each day.

[sdorn.livejournal.com]

I don't want to do anything but crash out on the sofa and stare at the ceiling. Getting the enthusiasm to move is hard.

It's time to schedule an appointment with a good mental-health counselor. Intellectually, you know there's plenty of health mood range between don't-want-to-get-up-off-the-couch and perky-happy. Most of it is closer to the perky-happy end, but if you're spending a lot of non-work time on a couch, you're in a serious funk or you're a football addict. Either requires appropriate treatment.

Maybe you'll be able to "push past this," but there is no crime to asking for a professional judgment and some advice.

[siderea]

I don't want to do anything but crash out on the sofa and stare at the ceiling.

I've been wondering for a while if you had forgotten how to rest!

Do you rest? It sounds from here that that's what ails you, and you just need some assiduous slacking to get you back up and at it.

[johnpalmer.livejournal.com]

Well, my first, "check this to see if it fits" thought would be emotional/spiritual exhaustion.

Is there anything you can do that's emotionally or spiritually uplifting or relaxing?

(If you think it'd help, I've got plenty of time and energy to attempt some long distance energy work this weekend.)

One thing I suggest: give yourself a deadline, not too far in the future. Resolve to yourself that you're going to try to relax and recoup, up until that deadline.

i.e.: until the deadline hits, there's *nothing* to worry about. Nothing. Nothing at all. Your job is simply to provide protection and support to yourself, and see how quickly healing takes place.

Once the deadline hits, if you're not already feeling a good bit better, *now* you hit first stage of what to do about it. Maybe it's time to see a doctor to make sure there's not a physical cause (by which I mean anemia, blood sugar, thyroid, etc.). Maybe it's time to do something else. Heck, maybe it's even time to shift your deadline *slightly* into the future. (Don't shift it too far, or you'll shift it again, and again, etc..)

But you have to be mean and nasty and brutal with yourself... once the deadline hits, you have to *do something*. You can't just blow it off. It's now officially A Problem To Deal With. Not a *serious* problem, necessarily, but it's like having no clean underwear besides what you're wearing... you have to do *something*, even if it's washing one set of underwear in the bathroom sink and hanging it up to do dry, so you have it for tomorrow.

The reason I suggest this is that it's easy to go numb, and blow off trying to feel better, and then *bam*, it's Christmas and you're *still* feeling badly, and where the heck did October and November go?

Take care, and remember that you are loved.

[filkertom.livejournal.com]

If you don't cheer up soon, I shall send HUSKIE BEARS over to fuzz you happy! Fuzz fuzz fuzz fuzz fuzz!

Seriously, call if you need to. It's been awhile since we talked anyway.

[tafkad.livejournal.com]

Please remember this about yourself: At the last installment of Brassy's Men, you stopped gaming and found me the food I needed to take with my medicine. As I grumbled about being a burden on everyone, you explained to me in no uncertain terms that this was not possible, because you were happy to do something for your dear friend who was having a bad time of it. That's the type of person you are.

Now. That said, the type of person you are DESERVES to post in her LJ, "I need a chocolate ice cream pig-out day. We can OD on whatever shamelessly gooey flavors we want, with silly toppings we haven't thought about since our seventh birthdays, and multivitimin/mineral supplements to make sure we get SOMETHING nutritious out of it (not including the calcuim from the ice cream, of course). We'll watch Muppet Show DVDs, and everyone is encouraged to sing, especially the ones who sing flat. If you feel like bringing some knitting along, that's OK too. If you want to do show and tell with other projects, bring 'em in so we can all ooh and ah over them. Everyone has to share some good news, and no one can do or talk about anything more responsible or unpleasant than changing the trash bag when it fills up with whipped cream cans. OK, we should probably clean up right away once we're done, so it doesn't hang over my head for three days and undo the fun."

If you feel like bursting into tears during this, you are allowed to accept all hugs offered. Lots of people love you and respect you and enjoy your company on good days and bad. You have been a welcoming, joyous part of my life. You gave me the best birthday present I EVER, EVER, EVER received or probably ever can receive in my life when you asked me to conduct your wedding. You ALWAYS greet me happily when we get together. (Do you have any idea how wonderful that is???) You are directly responsible for introducing me to quite a number of really nice people who have also become good friends over the years. You gave me real information to help de-mystify what I was going through with the tumor. You reminded me to keep my sense of humor in the hospital. Heck, you took the time to visit me in the hospital even though it was probably more than a little inconvenient.

You value people. You are cherished.

[dagibbs.livejournal.com]

I wish I could send you some oomph. Kinda hard long distance. I'll try to bring you some oomph for dancing at Arisia, and until then, all I can do is send you some long-distance *hugs*.

[vettecat.livejournal.com]

I can relate to the being-caught-up-in-doing-things feeling... we should find a time to get together, and watch silly movies, and eat ice cream, and not do anything useful.

[ladysprite.livejournal.com]

Hmm. What are you doing this Thursday evening? :)

[vettecat.livejournal.com]

Working 'til 8, then free... but sdavido teaches 'til 9:30 on Thursdays (after a full day - first class at 8 a.m.), so he's pretty toasted by then. Probably not the best day to get together. Try again? :-)