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ladyspriteSometimes I worry that I've really forgotten how to be happy.
I've been so tired, and so worried, and so stressed and panicky and upset for so long. When I'm not having to be strong and deal with problems in my own life, when things have been going smoothly for me, I've had to put any spare energy into being strong and dealing with problems in other people's lives. I don't mind; I like the fact that my friends can count on me - but it's left me with an energy debt that I don't know if I can earn back.
The worst part is, I don't know if it's an actual energy debt or just a way of life that I've slipped into without noticing. I *think* differently now. I've always prided myself on trying to look on the sunny side - if not always in relation to myself and my life, at least with the rest of the world. Now I just feel so cynical that I can't stand it. I'm short-tempered and frustrated, and the worst possible side of things is always the first to come into my mind.
I hate it. I hate, hate, hate it, and I don't know how to stop. I've beat it before, I know, but I was nineteen then, and my only outside responsibility was making it to class often enough that I didn't fail - a heck of a lot less responsibility than being a doctor, though it didn't feel like it at the time.
I don't want to do anything but crash out on the sofa and stare at the ceiling. Getting the enthusiasm to move is hard. And at the same time, it makes me miserable to think about the fact that I have nothing to do but sit around and exist while everyone I know is out and busy and active - I want to be up and out and doing things, but I don't have anything to do or anyone to do it with. I know it's just a matter of perspective and initiative, but each problem still makes the other worse.
I know that I just need to push past this, and force myself into the happy-perky zone, and that if I pretend hard enough and long enough it'll eventually start being true. But I don't know if I have the oomph to start....
I've been so tired, and so worried, and so stressed and panicky and upset for so long. When I'm not having to be strong and deal with problems in my own life, when things have been going smoothly for me, I've had to put any spare energy into being strong and dealing with problems in other people's lives. I don't mind; I like the fact that my friends can count on me - but it's left me with an energy debt that I don't know if I can earn back.
The worst part is, I don't know if it's an actual energy debt or just a way of life that I've slipped into without noticing. I *think* differently now. I've always prided myself on trying to look on the sunny side - if not always in relation to myself and my life, at least with the rest of the world. Now I just feel so cynical that I can't stand it. I'm short-tempered and frustrated, and the worst possible side of things is always the first to come into my mind.
I hate it. I hate, hate, hate it, and I don't know how to stop. I've beat it before, I know, but I was nineteen then, and my only outside responsibility was making it to class often enough that I didn't fail - a heck of a lot less responsibility than being a doctor, though it didn't feel like it at the time.
I don't want to do anything but crash out on the sofa and stare at the ceiling. Getting the enthusiasm to move is hard. And at the same time, it makes me miserable to think about the fact that I have nothing to do but sit around and exist while everyone I know is out and busy and active - I want to be up and out and doing things, but I don't have anything to do or anyone to do it with. I know it's just a matter of perspective and initiative, but each problem still makes the other worse.
I know that I just need to push past this, and force myself into the happy-perky zone, and that if I pretend hard enough and long enough it'll eventually start being true. But I don't know if I have the oomph to start....
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no subject
Date: 2005-09-17 12:07 am (UTC)Is there anything you can do that's emotionally or spiritually uplifting or relaxing?
(If you think it'd help, I've got plenty of time and energy to attempt some long distance energy work this weekend.)
One thing I suggest: give yourself a deadline, not too far in the future. Resolve to yourself that you're going to try to relax and recoup, up until that deadline.
i.e.: until the deadline hits, there's *nothing* to worry about. Nothing. Nothing at all. Your job is simply to provide protection and support to yourself, and see how quickly healing takes place.
Once the deadline hits, if you're not already feeling a good bit better, *now* you hit first stage of what to do about it. Maybe it's time to see a doctor to make sure there's not a physical cause (by which I mean anemia, blood sugar, thyroid, etc.). Maybe it's time to do something else. Heck, maybe it's even time to shift your deadline *slightly* into the future. (Don't shift it too far, or you'll shift it again, and again, etc..)
But you have to be mean and nasty and brutal with yourself... once the deadline hits, you have to *do something*. You can't just blow it off. It's now officially A Problem To Deal With. Not a *serious* problem, necessarily, but it's like having no clean underwear besides what you're wearing... you have to do *something*, even if it's washing one set of underwear in the bathroom sink and hanging it up to do dry, so you have it for tomorrow.
The reason I suggest this is that it's easy to go numb, and blow off trying to feel better, and then *bam*, it's Christmas and you're *still* feeling badly, and where the heck did October and November go?
Take care, and remember that you are loved.