ladysprite | Older, But No Wiser

So last year at about this time I posted a long, introspective, meandering ramble about the fact that somehow, when I wasn't looking and wasn't paying attention, I slipped into 'old' - or at least, 'older than I ever intended or wanted to be,' and how I wasn't quite sure how to cope with that.

I'm still not.

It's partly mental image, and partly worrying about what's appropriate at this age, but even more than that... to be honest, I had kind of figured that by the time I was this age, if I ever actually reached it, I would have all my petty, youthful crap sorted out. Not that I'd be problem-free; I know that doesn't happen. But I figured at least they'd be different problems.

I'm the age my mom was, more or less, when she started registering on my mental radar as a person, instead of just as MOM. And I don't remember my mom worrying about where she rated in her friends' lives, or about things from her childhood. She worried about grownup stuff.

I'm old enough that, when I went to type this sentence and start it off with my age, I got embarrassed and didn't want to write the number. There's a large part of me that feels like, at this point, I shouldn't still be dealing with issues from my childhood - I should have grown up, gotten over it, and moved on by now. I shouldn't be worrying about looking good, or social drama; those are games for people younger than me. I shouldn't be insecure; I've been on this planet long enough to figure this stuff out. I should be worrying about... I don't know. Other stuff. Grownup stuff.

I know, objectively, that none of this is true or even rational. And I know that this year is worse than most because I've been feeling sick, overwhelmed, stressed, isolated, and exhausted for the past month, give or take, so I'm already in a morose frame of mind. But at the same time... I figured by now, if I wasn't dead, I'd be somewhere mentally... better than this.

My challenge for next year is to figure out a way to be happy with where I am in life, when this day rolls around again.....

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I'm 51. And dealing, bit by bit, with childhood stuff. My bff is 59. And dealing with childhood stuff. I think those scars are the deepest and take the longest to both get at and to heal. And we get to do that while we're dealing with being responsible adults and going to work and paying bills and all the rest of it.

I'm 57. I'll be 58 in July. I realize that, not being a woman I don't have the perspective you do from growing up in a society that values youth and beauty in women so very much. But I will say that among the people my age and older whom I know, the key seems to be arranging your life in such a way that you're valued by others -- both the people you work with and the people you spend your off hours with.

In any case, happy birthday. We who care about you are not celebrating how many years have passed. Rather, we're celebrating the fact that you are you.

Childhood stays with most of us forever. When they talk about how the years before X are formative, they aren't kidding. We form a lot of our patterns before we're 3, so that's before most of us are really conscious of the world around us, or know what other people are like.

That being said, don't try to measure yourself against where you think you should be, or where your peers are. You are where you are, and you are looking at where you need to be to make yourself happier. That's the best thing you can do for yourself. Choose to grow, and the rest will follow.

*hugs you*

I hope that your wish comes true. I wish you a lovely birthday, and a lovely year to come.

Many hugs, and I sincerely hope the Natal Day is kinder to you. Does it help if I say your age doesn't matter as far as how much we all love you?

One other thing to consider: if hypothetically speaking your mom was having the kinds of thoughts that you're having now, odds are she'd not share them with you, she'd talk about it with other grown-ups (who are likely going through the same thing and can relate.)

The happiness challenge might be harder on the birthdays, but it's a one day at a time thing. Good luck with the project, and please go easy on yourself on those days when it happens to be extra-hard.

And yeah, I can largely relate.

I'm 55, and I still have emotional reactions that I know stem from stuff that happened when I was in high school, or even younger. Most of the time, I'm self-aware enough to keep them from getting the upper hand, but if I'm blindsided by something... not always.

You started from a much-further-down position than I did, and you've had less time to work on it. I think the work you have done is little short of amazing; it's been a real privilege to watch you turning yourself into the woman I always thought you could be. There's nothing wrong with thinking about the progress still to be made -- but do yourself a favor, and also think about how far you've come just in the last 4 or 5 years.

And, perhaps more importantly, Happy Birthday!

I have similar thoughts. Sometimes, in my head, I sound like a tree looking around and saying: "Aw, man, are my roots still *here*?"

In one sense, I'm kinda-sorta-lucky. I was told that there's a definition of a shaman as someone who's too tightly tied to the spirit world to handle without training (or being lucky enough to figure out stuff without training).

That happens to match my experiences. So, I'm somewhat more able to shed my feelings of "I should be more together about X or Y by now." I'm *supposed* to be a bit messed up and off-kilter.

It doesn't make living my life easy (or easier) but it does give me an excuse for the guilt over "why am I still dealing with this?"

But I also think that it's a bit of a cop-out to need such an excuse. Okay, in June of this year, I realized that I was badly out of shape. I'd always assumed I still had some cardio-vascular fitness, but if I had, I'd lost it. Well - all the complaining I could make about that, all the insults I could level at myself about "how could you let yourself *get* this out of shape, you lazy bum?" and all of the feelings that this fact engendered - none of those would do *anything* toward getting my heart stronger than it was. My heart was precisely as fit as it was, no more, and all of the feelings that it "should" be better wouldn't change the facts.

There were two things for me to consider.
1) Where was I now? (and I can't fool myself, because over-exerting my heart makes me feel like *crap*), and
2) What could I do today (if anything) to get me closer to where I want to be?

Everything else - frustration with where I was, anger at myself and at fate, a feeling of unfairness that this was my lot in life right now, etc. - was wasted energy. (Let me note, for the record, that I wasted a fair amount of energy. But even while complaining, I knew that it wasn't going to help, and that complaining too sincerely could hurt, rather than help.)

PS: a belated happy birthday to you. Can you e-mail details about donating to the 3-day?

*hugs* Thank you, hon....

http://www.the3day.org/goto/drbecky2012

Older, But No Wiser

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