Older, But No Wiser

[ladysprite]

So last year at about this time I posted a long, introspective, meandering ramble about the fact that somehow, when I wasn't looking and wasn't paying attention, I slipped into 'old' - or at least, 'older than I ever intended or wanted to be,' and how I wasn't quite sure how to cope with that.

I'm still not.

It's partly mental image, and partly worrying about what's appropriate at this age, but even more than that... to be honest, I had kind of figured that by the time I was this age, if I ever actually reached it, I would have all my petty, youthful crap sorted out. Not that I'd be problem-free; I know that doesn't happen. But I figured at least they'd be different problems.

I'm the age my mom was, more or less, when she started registering on my mental radar as a person, instead of just as MOM. And I don't remember my mom worrying about where she rated in her friends' lives, or about things from her childhood. She worried about grownup stuff.

I'm old enough that, when I went to type this sentence and start it off with my age, I got embarrassed and didn't want to write the number. There's a large part of me that feels like, at this point, I shouldn't still be dealing with issues from my childhood - I should have grown up, gotten over it, and moved on by now. I shouldn't be worrying about looking good, or social drama; those are games for people younger than me. I shouldn't be insecure; I've been on this planet long enough to figure this stuff out. I should be worrying about... I don't know. Other stuff. Grownup stuff.

I know, objectively, that none of this is true or even rational. And I know that this year is worse than most because I've been feeling sick, overwhelmed, stressed, isolated, and exhausted for the past month, give or take, so I'm already in a morose frame of mind. But at the same time... I figured by now, if I wasn't dead, I'd be somewhere mentally... better than this.

My challenge for next year is to figure out a way to be happy with where I am in life, when this day rolls around again.....

Comments

[starcat-jewel.livejournal.com]

I'm 55, and I still have emotional reactions that I know stem from stuff that happened when I was in high school, or even younger. Most of the time, I'm self-aware enough to keep them from getting the upper hand, but if I'm blindsided by something... not always.

You started from a much-further-down position than I did, and you've had less time to work on it. I think the work you have done is little short of amazing; it's been a real privilege to watch you turning yourself into the woman I always thought you could be. There's nothing wrong with thinking about the progress still to be made -- but do yourself a favor, and also think about how far you've come just in the last 4 or 5 years.

And, perhaps more importantly, Happy Birthday!