Rebuilding walls
Dec. 4th, 2002 12:21 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
ladyspriteI used to believe that if someone was sleeping next to me, sharing my bed with me, that my nightmares would go away. It was a cure that bordered on miraculous, and for the most part it worked. I thought that once I moved in with my sweetheart, that part of my life would be over. No more being afraid to fall asleep, or waking up half-paralyzed at 4am and battling with my mind to find the difference between reality and dreams.
And, for a while, that was exactly what happened. It seemed so perfect, to the point where I guess I lost a lot of the nightmare-tolerance that I used to have. But somehow, for some reason I don't quite understand, they're back. Three out of the past four nights I've been battling nightmares as vivid as any I had before, and it feels like I've forgotten how to deal with them.
I don't know what to do. I don't want to get back into the frame of mind that I used to live in, where I stay up as late as I can to intentionally exhaust myself and then wake up at the dawn's first light, and brick off my subconscious as a morning ritual. But if I don't, I have no guarantee that these dreams won't take over my life and my mind. It may be just a mental hiccup, but... what if it's not? I've already devoted too much energy to dealing with this just today - auditions for 'A Midsummer Night's Dream' are tonight, and I can't get excited or worried or enthusiastic about it at all. I'm too busy coping with afterimages from last night.
Gods above and below, please let this be just a temporary recurrence, just a lapse. I don't think I could go back to living with nightmares again. Or, to be more honest, I suppose I could, but I don't want to. I've finally gotten comfortable with the way things are now....
And, for a while, that was exactly what happened. It seemed so perfect, to the point where I guess I lost a lot of the nightmare-tolerance that I used to have. But somehow, for some reason I don't quite understand, they're back. Three out of the past four nights I've been battling nightmares as vivid as any I had before, and it feels like I've forgotten how to deal with them.
I don't know what to do. I don't want to get back into the frame of mind that I used to live in, where I stay up as late as I can to intentionally exhaust myself and then wake up at the dawn's first light, and brick off my subconscious as a morning ritual. But if I don't, I have no guarantee that these dreams won't take over my life and my mind. It may be just a mental hiccup, but... what if it's not? I've already devoted too much energy to dealing with this just today - auditions for 'A Midsummer Night's Dream' are tonight, and I can't get excited or worried or enthusiastic about it at all. I'm too busy coping with afterimages from last night.
Gods above and below, please let this be just a temporary recurrence, just a lapse. I don't think I could go back to living with nightmares again. Or, to be more honest, I suppose I could, but I don't want to. I've finally gotten comfortable with the way things are now....
