Rattling Around My Own Skull
Feb. 3rd, 2005 10:10 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
ladyspriteI thought when I left the last job, that that would be the end of it. I thought that leaving the building would get the poison out of my system, that I could move on from there as if it were over and done. I am rapidly realizing I was wrong.
I'm a good doctor. I don't make mistakes, I don't miss diagnoses. But I have been, and it's getting me in trouble where I am now. I don't know if I'm just having a run of normal bad luck, or if something is wrong with me, but as best as I can tell my worst problem is second-guessing myself.
I'm trying so hard to fit in and be a shining star that I'm ruining everything. This new place is... different, in a way that's neither good nor bad. Their style of practice is unlike anything I've ever experienced before, and they're not so much interested in letting me practice like I'm used to. When I do something one way, they look at me funny and ask me why I didn't do it another; and so when something new comes up I try to guess how they'd want me to do it based on what they've said before, and I always guess wrong, and something goes wrong, and I either miss something or piss them off by making a mistake in patient care. And now they're concerned that my level of medical skill isn't up to their standards.
I'm good. I just can't predict what they want me to do, and when I try to I screw up. I can't practice their way, it's just not how my mind works. So I just need to figure out how to do things my way, on my own, without looking to them for support or backup. And hope that I don't ruin things, and that it works, and that they don't decide I'm putting their patient's lives in jeopardy with my very presence.
You know, when your lack of self-confidence is the problem that's leading to your mistakes, and the mistakes are digging at your self-confidence, it's really hard to get enough confidence to short-circuit the cycle....
I'm a good doctor. I don't make mistakes, I don't miss diagnoses. But I have been, and it's getting me in trouble where I am now. I don't know if I'm just having a run of normal bad luck, or if something is wrong with me, but as best as I can tell my worst problem is second-guessing myself.
I'm trying so hard to fit in and be a shining star that I'm ruining everything. This new place is... different, in a way that's neither good nor bad. Their style of practice is unlike anything I've ever experienced before, and they're not so much interested in letting me practice like I'm used to. When I do something one way, they look at me funny and ask me why I didn't do it another; and so when something new comes up I try to guess how they'd want me to do it based on what they've said before, and I always guess wrong, and something goes wrong, and I either miss something or piss them off by making a mistake in patient care. And now they're concerned that my level of medical skill isn't up to their standards.
I'm good. I just can't predict what they want me to do, and when I try to I screw up. I can't practice their way, it's just not how my mind works. So I just need to figure out how to do things my way, on my own, without looking to them for support or backup. And hope that I don't ruin things, and that it works, and that they don't decide I'm putting their patient's lives in jeopardy with my very presence.
You know, when your lack of self-confidence is the problem that's leading to your mistakes, and the mistakes are digging at your self-confidence, it's really hard to get enough confidence to short-circuit the cycle....
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no subject
Date: 2005-02-04 03:09 am (UTC)Amen.
*hugs* Good luck. I know how hard it is to try to stop the self-destructive doubting. If you ever need to bitch to someone who can't really do anything other than offer support, my AIM is jlf1110, or there are other ways to find me.