Rattling Around My Own Skull
Feb. 3rd, 2005 10:10 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
ladyspriteI thought when I left the last job, that that would be the end of it. I thought that leaving the building would get the poison out of my system, that I could move on from there as if it were over and done. I am rapidly realizing I was wrong.
I'm a good doctor. I don't make mistakes, I don't miss diagnoses. But I have been, and it's getting me in trouble where I am now. I don't know if I'm just having a run of normal bad luck, or if something is wrong with me, but as best as I can tell my worst problem is second-guessing myself.
I'm trying so hard to fit in and be a shining star that I'm ruining everything. This new place is... different, in a way that's neither good nor bad. Their style of practice is unlike anything I've ever experienced before, and they're not so much interested in letting me practice like I'm used to. When I do something one way, they look at me funny and ask me why I didn't do it another; and so when something new comes up I try to guess how they'd want me to do it based on what they've said before, and I always guess wrong, and something goes wrong, and I either miss something or piss them off by making a mistake in patient care. And now they're concerned that my level of medical skill isn't up to their standards.
I'm good. I just can't predict what they want me to do, and when I try to I screw up. I can't practice their way, it's just not how my mind works. So I just need to figure out how to do things my way, on my own, without looking to them for support or backup. And hope that I don't ruin things, and that it works, and that they don't decide I'm putting their patient's lives in jeopardy with my very presence.
You know, when your lack of self-confidence is the problem that's leading to your mistakes, and the mistakes are digging at your self-confidence, it's really hard to get enough confidence to short-circuit the cycle....
I'm a good doctor. I don't make mistakes, I don't miss diagnoses. But I have been, and it's getting me in trouble where I am now. I don't know if I'm just having a run of normal bad luck, or if something is wrong with me, but as best as I can tell my worst problem is second-guessing myself.
I'm trying so hard to fit in and be a shining star that I'm ruining everything. This new place is... different, in a way that's neither good nor bad. Their style of practice is unlike anything I've ever experienced before, and they're not so much interested in letting me practice like I'm used to. When I do something one way, they look at me funny and ask me why I didn't do it another; and so when something new comes up I try to guess how they'd want me to do it based on what they've said before, and I always guess wrong, and something goes wrong, and I either miss something or piss them off by making a mistake in patient care. And now they're concerned that my level of medical skill isn't up to their standards.
I'm good. I just can't predict what they want me to do, and when I try to I screw up. I can't practice their way, it's just not how my mind works. So I just need to figure out how to do things my way, on my own, without looking to them for support or backup. And hope that I don't ruin things, and that it works, and that they don't decide I'm putting their patient's lives in jeopardy with my very presence.
You know, when your lack of self-confidence is the problem that's leading to your mistakes, and the mistakes are digging at your self-confidence, it's really hard to get enough confidence to short-circuit the cycle....
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no subject
Date: 2005-02-08 08:58 pm (UTC)Well, keeping in mind that analyzing things and thinking up possibilities is my way of doing the "grandmother feeding" thing (Grandmothers feed people because it's a solid expression of caring/affection; I think/analyze/talk for the same reason), and keep in mind that I don't know the situation, but...
The ugly part of this is that they don't see a problem with the situation... which means something has to change, ASAP, or they'll assume the problem is you. Don't use that to panic yourself; you're good at what you do, and, in the end, that truth will shine through. Use it to recognize that you can't hope that it'll go away if you give it another week or two.
Maybe they'll understand that you communicated differently with other mentors in the past? ("other mentors" is a good way to put it; it suggests that you're looking up to them as people who will give you guidance.) Maybe if you can say that you've worked best in a situation in which X-type-of-guidance was given, while you acclimated to the specific practice you were working at.
Another thing that might help is to simply stubborn your way out of things. Close your eyes, pretend that whatever is before you is a test question, and mentally answer it. Then, do what you said you would do in answer to the test question. If anyone asks you any questions, defend it. If someone doesn't like your defense, pretend that they're seeing if they can make you back down, and make a mistake, rather than hold firm.
Remember, they have some experience, but *you* are an expert, too. If they refuse to back down on the attack, try to turn it into a teaching experience for them... make it so they feel they must explain *why* they think you're wrong. If they have a valid point, you want to grab it, in a way that makes sure they understand that you're acknowledging that they were right.
Remember that "they were right" doesn't mean you were *wrong*; it means you were good, and they were better. If you learn something new, now you're better, too.