Sad Speculation
Mar. 17th, 2005 09:01 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
ladyspriteAndre Norton passed away today. Part of me feels like a guilty poser for being upset about this - I never actually knew her. I read her books, true, though she wasn't my absolute favoritest writer ever, but... she wasn't family, or a friend, and there's a voice inside my head wondering if I have the right to grieve for someone that I wasn't close to.
Another part of me is just looking at the list of people who impacted my life in some way that have died in the past year, and boggling at how long it is. I know, intellectually, that more people aren't dying, but somehow it feels like more people that I'm aware of are. Not just family and personal acquaintances, though they've been passing too - but icons, public figures, faces within social circles that have had an impact on my life or the lives of friends. And I wonder, is this what growing up means? Not just recognizing death as something that happens to living things, but acknowledging it as something that shapes the face of your world all the time, even when it happens to people whose lives don't intersect yours directly? Part of it is just simple numbers and passage of time. The older you are, the more likely you are to be aware of people in the public eye, and the more likely those people you notice are to be old enough that dying is a realistic risk. At the same time, though, there's more to it - a kind of realization that, if people who matter die, then people who die matter, if that makes any sense.
It's odd that this kind of realization would take so long to come to me, or that it would take the passing of someone so tangential to my world to make it happen. I handle death on a daily basis. I've taken lives, though admittedly not human lives, and I've helped other people come to terms with grief and death enough that occasionally I have to work at not turning the words into a memorized recitation. I've lost friends and family members, and I've grieved for them - but it was always something that happened to them, that affected me, and that ended there. I never thought about the fact that there were other effects that I didn't see, or conversely that my world and, indirectly, I were being affected by things that were personal tragedies for other people.
I feel incredibly shallow and naive for just noticing this now, and it probably sounds incredibly superficial and shmaltzy to everyone reading this who *is* handling personal tragedy, or who already realized this years ago. Still, it's something I need to think about.
Another part of me is just looking at the list of people who impacted my life in some way that have died in the past year, and boggling at how long it is. I know, intellectually, that more people aren't dying, but somehow it feels like more people that I'm aware of are. Not just family and personal acquaintances, though they've been passing too - but icons, public figures, faces within social circles that have had an impact on my life or the lives of friends. And I wonder, is this what growing up means? Not just recognizing death as something that happens to living things, but acknowledging it as something that shapes the face of your world all the time, even when it happens to people whose lives don't intersect yours directly? Part of it is just simple numbers and passage of time. The older you are, the more likely you are to be aware of people in the public eye, and the more likely those people you notice are to be old enough that dying is a realistic risk. At the same time, though, there's more to it - a kind of realization that, if people who matter die, then people who die matter, if that makes any sense.
It's odd that this kind of realization would take so long to come to me, or that it would take the passing of someone so tangential to my world to make it happen. I handle death on a daily basis. I've taken lives, though admittedly not human lives, and I've helped other people come to terms with grief and death enough that occasionally I have to work at not turning the words into a memorized recitation. I've lost friends and family members, and I've grieved for them - but it was always something that happened to them, that affected me, and that ended there. I never thought about the fact that there were other effects that I didn't see, or conversely that my world and, indirectly, I were being affected by things that were personal tragedies for other people.
I feel incredibly shallow and naive for just noticing this now, and it probably sounds incredibly superficial and shmaltzy to everyone reading this who *is* handling personal tragedy, or who already realized this years ago. Still, it's something I need to think about.
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no subject
Date: 2005-03-18 10:02 am (UTC)It's one aspect of growing up, sure, but it's not the whole shebang. Realizing that you're ready to build a life with that one person is another aspect, as is learning that there are trustworthy people in the world who will do everything they can to make the world better for you. Taking on the responsibility of a job is another. Knowing when to stop doing something bad for you or others is another. Learning to appreciate the goodness in people, rather than deciding they're good or bad based on how pretty they are . . . Growing up is a long process that people our grandparents' age are still sorting out.
Congratulations on making your next step. Sorry it has to be such a crappy one.
insight is never schmaltzy
Date: 2005-03-18 01:52 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-03-18 02:36 pm (UTC)You have the right to grieve (or not) for whomever you feel the need.
And I wonder, is this what growing up means? Not just recognizing death as something that happens to living things, but acknowledging it as something that shapes the face of your world all the time, even when it happens to people whose lives don't intersect yours directly?
Yes. Not the only part of growing up, but a significant one.
I feel incredibly shallow and naive for just noticing this now
No reason you should, enlightenment isn't a race; it's a journey. Since we don't all start from the same place, we don't all get to a particular place at a particular point in our lives.
no subject
Date: 2005-03-18 04:19 pm (UTC)"I never knew her, but I read all of her books. I feel as though I've lost a friend."
You are not alone in feeling the way you do. She touched your life, albeit indirectly; that gives you every right to grieve.
no subject
Date: 2005-03-23 05:58 pm (UTC)A little broader than I think reasonable, but it's the closest thing to an explanation that I have.
"...more people aren't dying, but somehow it feels like more people that I'm aware of are."
Because you're aware of more people, I suppose.
There is no "right to grieve." Emotions don't care what somebody allows.
Peter Eng