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Nov. 7th, 2002 07:05 amOne of the many reasons that I always tell myself I could never survive in mundanity is the fact that I'm a very touchy person. Not touchy-sensitive, easily offended, but touchy-contact hungry. I tend to orient on the physical, and it's instinctive to me to be in contact with whomever I'm around.
I don't invade people's personal space without invitation, and I try not to make people uncomfortable - I know better than to hug my coworkers - but for me, not-touching is the conscious decision, and touching is instinct. When I'm walking next to someone, holding their hand is almost a reflex. When I'm talking or sitting next to someone, it seems natural to put a hand on their arm or shoulder. And once I know that a person is comfortable with me, it's that much easier - I'm a lap cat by nature, and with my friends I'm happiest when I'm curled up against them, leaning on them, or sprawling all over them.
After the fact, I always realize that I shouldn't be doing this. I know that there's nothing wrong with it, and my boyfriend (bless his trusting heart and open mind) doesn't have a problem with me snuggling my friends, but I have to remember that not everyone has had the guided tour of my psyche that he has. And I wonder what people must think of me - both the people whose laps I wind up in, and the people watching. Do they think that I'm just some cheap, affection-starved slut, making a spectacle of myself crawling all over some poor helpless soul? Are they right?
It's easy afterwards to scold myself and to say that I need to back off, but when I'm there it just feels right to be surrounding myself with my friends, literally; to be enjoying them in as many ways as I can - listen to their voices, see their faces, feel them next to me when I lean my head on their shoulder or stretch out across them. But I suppose that doesn't make it any more okay.
*sigh* Another addition to the list of bad habits that I need to break, or at least curb. I am a work in progress. I just need to keep reminding myself of that.....
I don't invade people's personal space without invitation, and I try not to make people uncomfortable - I know better than to hug my coworkers - but for me, not-touching is the conscious decision, and touching is instinct. When I'm walking next to someone, holding their hand is almost a reflex. When I'm talking or sitting next to someone, it seems natural to put a hand on their arm or shoulder. And once I know that a person is comfortable with me, it's that much easier - I'm a lap cat by nature, and with my friends I'm happiest when I'm curled up against them, leaning on them, or sprawling all over them.
After the fact, I always realize that I shouldn't be doing this. I know that there's nothing wrong with it, and my boyfriend (bless his trusting heart and open mind) doesn't have a problem with me snuggling my friends, but I have to remember that not everyone has had the guided tour of my psyche that he has. And I wonder what people must think of me - both the people whose laps I wind up in, and the people watching. Do they think that I'm just some cheap, affection-starved slut, making a spectacle of myself crawling all over some poor helpless soul? Are they right?
It's easy afterwards to scold myself and to say that I need to back off, but when I'm there it just feels right to be surrounding myself with my friends, literally; to be enjoying them in as many ways as I can - listen to their voices, see their faces, feel them next to me when I lean my head on their shoulder or stretch out across them. But I suppose that doesn't make it any more okay.
*sigh* Another addition to the list of bad habits that I need to break, or at least curb. I am a work in progress. I just need to keep reminding myself of that.....
