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[ladysprite]

One of the many reasons that I always tell myself I could never survive in mundanity is the fact that I'm a very touchy person. Not touchy-sensitive, easily offended, but touchy-contact hungry. I tend to orient on the physical, and it's instinctive to me to be in contact with whomever I'm around.

I don't invade people's personal space without invitation, and I try not to make people uncomfortable - I know better than to hug my coworkers - but for me, not-touching is the conscious decision, and touching is instinct. When I'm walking next to someone, holding their hand is almost a reflex. When I'm talking or sitting next to someone, it seems natural to put a hand on their arm or shoulder. And once I know that a person is comfortable with me, it's that much easier - I'm a lap cat by nature, and with my friends I'm happiest when I'm curled up against them, leaning on them, or sprawling all over them.

After the fact, I always realize that I shouldn't be doing this. I know that there's nothing wrong with it, and my boyfriend (bless his trusting heart and open mind) doesn't have a problem with me snuggling my friends, but I have to remember that not everyone has had the guided tour of my psyche that he has. And I wonder what people must think of me - both the people whose laps I wind up in, and the people watching. Do they think that I'm just some cheap, affection-starved slut, making a spectacle of myself crawling all over some poor helpless soul? Are they right?

It's easy afterwards to scold myself and to say that I need to back off, but when I'm there it just feels right to be surrounding myself with my friends, literally; to be enjoying them in as many ways as I can - listen to their voices, see their faces, feel them next to me when I lean my head on their shoulder or stretch out across them. But I suppose that doesn't make it any more okay.

*sigh* Another addition to the list of bad habits that I need to break, or at least curb. I am a work in progress. I just need to keep reminding myself of that.....

Comments

[tpau]

the SCA as well as most fandom, seems to be a place where people don't mind. well, people i ngeneral don't mind. specific people can freak out.

[autographedcat.livejournal.com]

I'm precisely the same way, and in many ways its worse for me, being male, since what society expects is much different.

On the other hand, as long as a) the person you're snuggling with doesn't mind, and b) they don't think that it means any more than it does, there's nothing "not okay" about it. We can talk about how I feel about this in more depth later if you want. *hugcuddle*

Love,
-R

[gingicat]

I tend to cuddle with people as well. But I very specifically don't cuddle with either (a) monogamous & attached people I'm very attracted to or (b) people who are attracted to me, but whom I just want to cuddle. Less confusion that way.
I also only cuddle in gatherings where people can deal, too; for example, I wouldn't cuddle with Ayesha in my parents' living room, much as I might want to.

[pixel.livejournal.com]

"I don't consider it a fault on your part. In fact I like to do much the same thing.
As long as your SO and the ppl you are snuggling with are fine with it I don't see a problem. At most you might want to work on who you snuggle with or how to not give the impression of wanting/allowing more than just snuggles.
I would be saddened if you were to cure yourself of snuggling with friends as I delight in snuggling with you. It's always a nice bonus when I come visit, not only do I get to spend time with you but I also get a nice dose of physical contact."

[mindways]

Another addition to the list of bad habits that I need to break...

Hm. I've always seen this as an area where you're an example of healthy behavior and U.S. society as a whole is rather represssed.

There are ways to be touchy-feely that are bad - but most of them involve someone who's expressed a preference for not being touched. Personal space is something to respect...but the U.S. social default of "keep utterly out of someone's personal space until told otherwise" seems silly (and perhaps unhealthy) to me.

Social defaults are different elsewhere in the world - casual touches on shoulder, arm, back, hand/arm, etc. during conversation are taken as the norm.

And as you've said, you're aware enough to change your behavior in environments where it's probably not appropriate (hugging co-workers) - so I don't see any problems...

[browngirl.livejournal.com]

What jikharra said; I think US society might well be healthier if we didn't have so much linkage between any touch and sex, if we could relax about touching people. I think you're the healthy one, especially since you're sensible about whom and where you snuggle. :)

*hug*

A.

[ccprince.livejournal.com]

It seems perfectly natural to me, but then again, I'm exactly the same way. Of course, I hang around a lot with theater people, and we're a notoriously affectionate lot. You tend to get over a lot of your "personal space issues" when you have to pretend to be madly in love with someone you've never even met before.

Hugging co-workers ... I'm not sure there's necessarily a hard-and-fast taboo there. I hope there isn't, anyway -- I found myself doing just that yesterday. The "problem" comes in that gray area between "co-worker" and "friend." The co-worker in question is a woman with whom I have a decent amount of social contact at work, but in the four years we've known each other, we've seen each other maybe twice outside the office. Are we "friends?" Or just "co-workers who have lunch together most days?"

Yesterday, she spent an hour at my desk, trying to figure out what to do about her marriage. (This is the second woman in as many weeks to tell me a story of her husband admitting his activities with cybersex, and how he feels that since there's no actual contact, it's not cheating. But that's another story...) She spent much of the hour fighting back tears, and I think that had we not been in the office, she wouldn't have worried about that.

So, before she went back to her desk, I gave her a hug. Was it "appropriate behavior in the workplace?" Perhaps not. Was it a necessary part of the relationship between two human beings? Absolutely. Did it help her? I sure hope so...

[kitanzi.livejournal.com]

I rather envy you that, actually. I'm largely a messy mix of touch hungry, and wary of protecting my own "personal space". The reasons are unimportant, but one of the things I really like about fandom is by and large the people there are remarkably free of personal space issues, and safe for snuggling, touching and just relaxing with. It's a talent I'm working on acquiring - that you (and others, such as autographed cat) have it naturally is something I admire.

[johnpalmer.livejournal.com]

Actually, I don't think there's anything wrong with being touchy and snuggly, though I think it's essential to make sure that the other person knows this about you, and that you be careful doing it with people who might misinterpret it as sexual (or other, similar) interest.

Touch is a wonderful conveyor of affection, and while it'd be a shame to let it cause problems, you'd be missing out of giving a great deal of happiness if you gave up cuddly touch entirely, IMHO.

[jducoeur]

Another addition to the list of bad habits that I need to break

Oh, I dunno. I come at this particular issue from exactly the opposite end -- I was raised in a family that was quite cordial (my relationship with my parents is exceptionally good, actually), but very non-touchy. The result is that it took me literally years to even learn to be able to hug friends. It's still difficult for me to touch most people, even though I know that it's necessary for my sanity to do so -- finding the appropriate space is a very non-intuitive process for me, and not an easy one. I have to agree with the sentiments that being a bit "touchy" probably makes you healthier in some respects than most people.

So I wouldn't worry too much about what third parties think. So long as you aren't invading someone's personal space, and the relevant people (eg, your boyfriend) are cool, other peoples' hangups are really exactly that...

[tpau]

actually, it makes her healthier in one very specific way. lots of studies hav ebeen doen on animas as well as humans about hte effects of oxytocin

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actually, it makes her healthier in one very specific way. lots of studies hav ebeen doen on animas as well as humans about hte effects of oxytocin<sp?>, the hug hormone. it is a chemical our brains and the brains of other animals produces when we are touched or touch others. it is indeed a very interesting chemical. it lowers blood pressure, it sparks creativity and intelectual energy. it is also what causes and cures the "seven year itch". basically we build a tolerance to it and the theory goes after about 7 years it stops working for us when generated as a response to a specific person (thus the fac that peopelget bopred with their spouses safter 7 eyars or so). the fascinating thing is htat the tolerance gets killed and everythign gets jumpstarted when we come in a prolonged contact with children (or i nthe case of laboratory rats, their young). i.e. the cure for the seven year itch is to have children. it is rather amusing. but i digress. what i was talkignaobu tin the first place is that if <lj user = "ladysprite"> is touchy with peopel that means that she is healthier then those who don't do that as much. so, yeah, be happy :)

[figmo.livejournal.com]

If you and the people directly involved are okay with it, what's the problem?

I wish I were more comfortable with cuddling around, but I'm not. In my case it has zippo to do with being monogamous and a lot more to do with having forced levels of contact (you WILL kiss so-and-so on the mouth, for example) with folks when I was growing up.