![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Down Again
Sep. 17th, 2010 06:56 amI do not want to go on this stupid vacation.
I don't want to. It's causing me more stress and panic and misery and frustration than I'd be going through without it, it's turning me into a miserable person, and all it's doing is making things worse.
We can't afford it. I worked out the cost in dollars spent, but I didn't take into account the losses from me not working for a week in addition to the cost of the trip itself, and the two together are more than I'm willing to throw away.
And, knowing this, I'm not going to be able to actually enjoy the trip. I'll spend a week sitting on a boat staring at my watch and pacing and fretting and being acutely aware of how much every single minute is costing, and how much we can't afford it, and how wasteful and shallow and shortsighted I'm being.
Because that's what it is. I was stupid, and greedy, and selfish, and shortsighted in planning this thing. No one NEEDS a vacation. Last I checked, we need food, shelter, and clothing. Caribbean cruises are not on that list.
And it's paid for, and nonrefundable, so I have a choice between going and being miserable, or staying home and throwing away everything we've spent on it so far. Because I waited this long to make up my damn mind. I've already brought up the idea of![[livejournal.com profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/external/lj-userinfo.gif)
umbran going by himself, or with someone else, so we can at least get some use out of it while I stay home and work, but he has roundly rejected that idea.
I hate this. If it were transferable, I'd try to give it to a friend. I should probably check with the travel agent, just in case it is.
Stupid money. Stupid vacation. Stupid everything.
I don't want to. It's causing me more stress and panic and misery and frustration than I'd be going through without it, it's turning me into a miserable person, and all it's doing is making things worse.
We can't afford it. I worked out the cost in dollars spent, but I didn't take into account the losses from me not working for a week in addition to the cost of the trip itself, and the two together are more than I'm willing to throw away.
And, knowing this, I'm not going to be able to actually enjoy the trip. I'll spend a week sitting on a boat staring at my watch and pacing and fretting and being acutely aware of how much every single minute is costing, and how much we can't afford it, and how wasteful and shallow and shortsighted I'm being.
Because that's what it is. I was stupid, and greedy, and selfish, and shortsighted in planning this thing. No one NEEDS a vacation. Last I checked, we need food, shelter, and clothing. Caribbean cruises are not on that list.
And it's paid for, and nonrefundable, so I have a choice between going and being miserable, or staying home and throwing away everything we've spent on it so far. Because I waited this long to make up my damn mind. I've already brought up the idea of
umbran going by himself, or with someone else, so we can at least get some use out of it while I stay home and work, but he has roundly rejected that idea.I hate this. If it were transferable, I'd try to give it to a friend. I should probably check with the travel agent, just in case it is.
Stupid money. Stupid vacation. Stupid everything.
