Self-Indulgent Introspection

[ladysprite]

You know what I really hate?

I really hate watching my own emotional responses blow up and become pathological, and being aware of the fact that it's happening, and not being able to change it. I know what I *want* to be doing and saying and thinking, and I know that what I'm actually saying is inappropriate and ridiculous and that I have no concrete reason to feel the way I do, and somehow I'm still powerless to stop the melodramatics and toxic transformation as they take place. So I get even more upset, at myself and the situation that triggers it, and the cycle gets even deeper and stronger.

I suppose I should feel proud of myself for at least being aware enough to recognize the cycle for what it is, but that doesn't feel like an accomplishment. On the other hand, maybe I should think of it instead as the pressure change that comes before a much-needed storm - last night, after about a half-hour crying jag, I think I wound up feeling better than I had in weeks.

My husband has been reading an article in Scientific American, about the scientific and genetic basis of happiness. I haven't read it myself, but he's been telling me bits of details, and it seems that the three major exercises for raising your Happiness Level, according to the author, are gratitude, kindness, and optimism. I'll admit I fall down on the optimism fairly often, but I like to think of myself as at least somewhat kind, and aware of my luck and blessings. But I did realize this morning that, as long as I'm trying to be kind to other people, maybe it wouldn't be the stupidest thing in the world if I tried once in a while to be kind to myself.

Yeah, I know. Big, dramatic revelation on par with, 'Maybe if it hurts when I stick my hand in the fire, I shouldn't stick my hand in the fire.' But sometimes when your hand is on fire, logical reasoning isn't in the front of your mind.

March was a fairly unkind month. I had a couple of all-consuming projects, I worked more hours than I should have worked in any two months, and the universe kept kicking me and most of my friends while we weren't looking. I guess I had... not a right, but at least a reason for feeling like an emotional minefield.

But... month over, crying jag over, new plan embarked upon. Take care of myself, do what *I* want to do on occasion, cut myself some slack. And listen to the kind of advice that I'd give a friend in my situation. Maybe it won't make a difference, but it can't hurt to try.

Comments

[suzilem.livejournal.com]

hugs.......

:-)

[madamruppy.livejournal.com]

many many many hugs

[autographedcat.livejournal.com]

*hugsyoutight*

Attitude really does make a difference. Or, at the least, a good attitude won't always make things better, but a bad attitude will invariably make things worse.

So definitely cut yourself some slack. You deserve no less from yourself. :)

[arachne8x.livejournal.com]

I went on an epic crying jag myself last night. *hugs*

[dagibbs.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

[janetmiles.livejournal.com]

I really hate watching my own emotional responses blow up and become pathological, and being aware of the fact that it's happening, and not being able to change it.

Yes. That. Been there, done that, still do it occasionally but am getting better. I hope April is better for you.

[hermitgeecko.livejournal.com]

Taking care of yourself is good. (hugs)

[sjo.livejournal.com]

I second that.

[flowing-dancer.livejournal.com]

As strange as it sounds, a song called "Unwritten" has been helping me greatly. Music helps me quite a bit. I do seem to be changing my attitude.

Doing things for yourself is hard. Feeling like you should be -allowed- to enjoy it is difficult. But it can be done.

Please remember that you have friends who care.

{HUG}

[johnprester.livejournal.com]

...yeah...

been there, done that, wembled like there's no tomorrow...

great word, btw, wembling, I love it...

Anyway, yes, be good to yourself. You've already mastered being good to others, it's second nature to you, you do it without thinking.

hughughug, and all that.

JSO

[charisma18.livejournal.com]

Believe it or not, just the fact that you actively noticed you were getting hyper-emotional can have a tremendously positive long-term effect.

There's a book called The Power of Now that helped me a ton. A lot of it's your standard self-help mumbo jumbo, but one thing that I did find helped me was the recommendation that when you have an emotional attack (or in my case, a nice bout of depressive melancholy) that you recognize is disproportionate to the situation, don't try to change it. Don't say "I shouldn't be feeling this way," because that brings on the wonderful guilt cycle with which we're all so familiar.

However, you can *notice* that you're feeling that way. Allow it to happen, and observe it as it happens. So there's no guilt from trying to actively change what you're feeling, but the awareness of it accomplishes several things:

1) Even though you're emotional state is askew, being aware of that fact is a good guard against making irrational decisions or taking drastic action during this time.

2) Anything that keeps you actively in the present tense instead of the past (regret) or future (worry) is a good thing.

3) Slowly but surely, just the fact that your mind is observing the emotional spike will, in time, help to reduce the frequency and severity of said spikes. I'm not sure why, but it does.

I've found this has helped me a lot. That, and my sweet, sweet, medication. :)

[starcat-jewel.livejournal.com]

Yes, all that. I remember reading somewhere, a long time ago, that changing any negative emotional pattern goes thru 4 distinct stages:

1) You don't notice it happening at all.
2) You recognize it after it's happened.
3) You recognize it while it's happening.
4) You can tell it's getting ready to happen.

And it's not until you reach Stage 4 that you can actually make significant progress on diverting it. You're already at Stage 3, which is progress from things I remember you saying a few years ago. So the situation is far from hopeless.

[bookwyrm-sr.livejournal.com]

As far as I'm concerned, the ability to say, "I LIKE myself. I know that I'm not perfect, but I AM likable and lovable." has likely been one of the biggest reasons why I survived cancer 24 years ago. And will be there helping me with my new battle in the upcoming months.

[johnpalmer.livejournal.com]

Well, it's not just that it's hard to think about being kind to yourself, it's also hard for folks to understand how to be kind to themselves. They don't realize when they're being unkind, or don't actually perform any kindness. They might just think (for random examples) "Okay, being kind to myself, now let's berate myself for X" or "of course I'm being kind to myself; I *have* to work this hard because of some reason I can't really think of at the moment" or whatever.

Gratitude and optimism can go hand in hand, by the way... by looking for things to be grateful for, one can find things are going better than they seem.