Home again, home again, jiggety-jig
May. 28th, 2002 06:43 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
ladyspriteSo, Marcon was. I'm still not quite sure *what* it was, but it was certainly something. Something that involved a lot of dancing, way too many lecherous geeks, not enough time with friends, and extraordinarily little sleep. And led to a lot more introspection than I had thought possible.
So, for some reason this year MarCon was not just much smaller than usual, but the percentage of lecherous geeks was through the roof. I wasn't on the dance floor more than 20 minutes before I was hit on by a 14-year-old boy, a 65-year-old man, and a sweet but quite drunk girl and her fiancee. And it just went downhill from there. I had a pirate superglued to my side most of Saturday night, quite against my will.
Why? I don't look any different than I did last year, or the year before. I didn't dress or act any differently. I can only assume that there was something in the water.
Issue here - why does this bug me? And if it bugs me, why do I put up with it? Why do I starve myself and fret over my looks and dress up, only to get freaked and confused when people hit on me? I should just stop going to the dances, or dress like a frump, except that doesn't work either. I should be flattered instead of bemused and kind of upset. But as much as it's flattering, it would be nice to be liked for who I am instead of how i look in black velvet hiphuggers. *sigh*
Much miscommunication was had, and much confusion ensued. It always seems like, no matter what plans I have at a con, I always wind up waiting for other people to invite me along to whatever plans they have.... and more often than not it doesn't wind up happening. And I wind up feeling bad about being left out, and my friends wind up feeling bad because they didn't mean to leave me out intentionally.
I'm everyone's second choice. I'm the person they want to see... if they have time. After seeing everyone else. Once things calm down. If there's space and opportunity in the schedule. And I can deal with this when it's one or two, or half a dozen people doing this. But when it's everyone, I wind up being a weekend-long wallflower.
I don't blame my friends for this; I blame myself. It's not their job to babysit me, and I wouldn't want them to. Noone is responsible for my happiness except me. I can't demand that they spend the weekend making sure I feel welcomed and accepted, they're there to see *all* their friends, not just me. So. I have to figure out how to take care of this on my own. Sure. It's not like I'm setting myself a task that's challenging or anything.
The hard part is just getting past the soul-deep belief that I can't approach or talk to anyone; that if someone wants to talk to me they will, and if they haven't it's because they want nothing to do with me. And I know I can get past this. When I'm in the right mood, I can be the most outgoing person I know. When I decide it's what I want, or that I will make it work, it does. I can point to a person on a whim and know that, if I want to make it so, they'll be my new best friend by the end of the weekend. I just need to figure out how to control this, how to use it when I actually want to instead of just randomly have it happen at rare and inconvenient occasions.
I won't die if I talk to people. They won't hate me or kick me or make fun of me. The world will not end if I decide to join in a conversation. The earth will not open up and swallow me whole. And it may not work, but hey, it can't be much worse than spending a weekend with my back against a wall and my arms wrapped around me to keep from collapsing or throwing up and half a dozen might-have-beens dancing around my head.
All that said, it was overall a good weekend. The dancing was awesome, if a little too loud, and my Knights Protectant did an amazing job of keeping the pirates and leches away. Old friends were visited, good conversations were had, and I did a lot of thinking that needed to be done.
So. Blinding Flash of the Obvious for the weekend - maybe if I want to have friends, i should try actually talking to people instead of assuming they just don't want anything to do with me. I know. Duh. But it's a big step for me. And for any of you who have read this far, and aren't disgusted or frustrated or scared off, if you might maybe kinda want to help with this, it might be nice if.... if you notice me being all wallflowery-stupid-scaredy, if you could smack me with a metaphorical haddock. Or give me a kind of little cheer if you notice me doing well on this goal. If that's not too much to ask.
Because you're all so amazingly important to me, and I don't want to lose any of the time I have to spend with you to wondering about silly, pointless, miscommunicated issues.
So, for some reason this year MarCon was not just much smaller than usual, but the percentage of lecherous geeks was through the roof. I wasn't on the dance floor more than 20 minutes before I was hit on by a 14-year-old boy, a 65-year-old man, and a sweet but quite drunk girl and her fiancee. And it just went downhill from there. I had a pirate superglued to my side most of Saturday night, quite against my will.
Why? I don't look any different than I did last year, or the year before. I didn't dress or act any differently. I can only assume that there was something in the water.
Issue here - why does this bug me? And if it bugs me, why do I put up with it? Why do I starve myself and fret over my looks and dress up, only to get freaked and confused when people hit on me? I should just stop going to the dances, or dress like a frump, except that doesn't work either. I should be flattered instead of bemused and kind of upset. But as much as it's flattering, it would be nice to be liked for who I am instead of how i look in black velvet hiphuggers. *sigh*
Much miscommunication was had, and much confusion ensued. It always seems like, no matter what plans I have at a con, I always wind up waiting for other people to invite me along to whatever plans they have.... and more often than not it doesn't wind up happening. And I wind up feeling bad about being left out, and my friends wind up feeling bad because they didn't mean to leave me out intentionally.
I'm everyone's second choice. I'm the person they want to see... if they have time. After seeing everyone else. Once things calm down. If there's space and opportunity in the schedule. And I can deal with this when it's one or two, or half a dozen people doing this. But when it's everyone, I wind up being a weekend-long wallflower.
I don't blame my friends for this; I blame myself. It's not their job to babysit me, and I wouldn't want them to. Noone is responsible for my happiness except me. I can't demand that they spend the weekend making sure I feel welcomed and accepted, they're there to see *all* their friends, not just me. So. I have to figure out how to take care of this on my own. Sure. It's not like I'm setting myself a task that's challenging or anything.
The hard part is just getting past the soul-deep belief that I can't approach or talk to anyone; that if someone wants to talk to me they will, and if they haven't it's because they want nothing to do with me. And I know I can get past this. When I'm in the right mood, I can be the most outgoing person I know. When I decide it's what I want, or that I will make it work, it does. I can point to a person on a whim and know that, if I want to make it so, they'll be my new best friend by the end of the weekend. I just need to figure out how to control this, how to use it when I actually want to instead of just randomly have it happen at rare and inconvenient occasions.
I won't die if I talk to people. They won't hate me or kick me or make fun of me. The world will not end if I decide to join in a conversation. The earth will not open up and swallow me whole. And it may not work, but hey, it can't be much worse than spending a weekend with my back against a wall and my arms wrapped around me to keep from collapsing or throwing up and half a dozen might-have-beens dancing around my head.
All that said, it was overall a good weekend. The dancing was awesome, if a little too loud, and my Knights Protectant did an amazing job of keeping the pirates and leches away. Old friends were visited, good conversations were had, and I did a lot of thinking that needed to be done.
So. Blinding Flash of the Obvious for the weekend - maybe if I want to have friends, i should try actually talking to people instead of assuming they just don't want anything to do with me. I know. Duh. But it's a big step for me. And for any of you who have read this far, and aren't disgusted or frustrated or scared off, if you might maybe kinda want to help with this, it might be nice if.... if you notice me being all wallflowery-stupid-scaredy, if you could smack me with a metaphorical haddock. Or give me a kind of little cheer if you notice me doing well on this goal. If that's not too much to ask.
Because you're all so amazingly important to me, and I don't want to lose any of the time I have to spend with you to wondering about silly, pointless, miscommunicated issues.
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2002-05-28 04:28 pm (UTC)Are you coming to Contata?
no subject
Date: 2002-05-28 05:07 pm (UTC)I have a similar problem in not feeling wanted. I tend to assume that people don't want to spend time with me and only do if there isn't anyone better to hang out with. Often I can cover this up by being extremely outgoing, trying to be as entertaining as possible in hopes that ppl won't make me go away. But when I'm not doing well I get very indrawn and quiet, and beg off on doing things. So it becomes a self-fufilling prophecy as I assume noone wants me around so I avoid interacting with ppl, and end up alone anyway."
no subject
Date: 2002-05-28 06:51 pm (UTC)I *hate* that stupid thought loop, and I too have found that the only treatment for it is to make myself be outgoing. I can tell you a kajillion times how good you are to spend time with, but when you'll really hear it is when you tell yourself that, because that's how these things seem to work, or at least, that's how it works for me.
.... if you notice me being all wallflowery-stupid-scaredy, if you could smack me with a metaphorical haddock. Or give me a kind of little cheer if you notice me doing well on this goal. If that's not too much to ask.
I can do this. :) *puts a haddock in one pocket and a bunch of roses in another*. :D
A.
in your corner. :)
no subject
Date: 2002-05-29 05:59 am (UTC)I promise I'll keep a haddock on hand if needed in the future, though, since you asked.
Love,
-R
no subject
Date: 2002-05-29 06:25 am (UTC)_M_
no subject
Date: 2002-05-29 07:31 am (UTC)no subject