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ladyspriteI have said before that boredom is my arch-nemesis. That's part of why I immerse myself in so many hobbies, and surround myself with so many fascinating people - I hate being bored, with a fiery and intense passion (a friend once described me as the only person he knew who was capable of being enthusiastically bored).
It's not the boredom itself I mind, though. I can handle that, at least for a little while. It's the fact that, when I get bored, my mind starts to wander. And then, inevitably, I start wondering, which leads to worrying.
For the past few months now, work has been slow. I mean, really slow. Working 2-3 days a week maximum slow. At first this wasn't so bad. I had savings, I had holiday shopping to do and vacations to go on and projects to work on and friends to see.
But... the savings are starting to grow thin. And my friends are getting busier. And I've read a lot of books, baked a lot of cookies and cakes, crocheted shawls and dolls and scarves, stitched samplers, edited stories, entered data, and... I'm starting to go stir-crazy. I still have stuff I could do, but I'm starting to feel like I've worn a rut in my life, walking back and forth along the same path over and over again.
And when I can't keep myself distracted, the worrying starts. What if this isn't just a temporary slowdown? What if I can't earn enough to keep working like this? What if we chew through our savings? What if we can't keep up with the mortgage? What if it's me, and not the economy, that's the problem? What if my brain turns into rice pudding from being unused for so long? What if bad things happen? What if stuff?
I know this is all silly. Or at least, I tell myself it's all silly. Starting next week, I'm back up to 4-5 days a week of work for the next month, and I'm already starting to book into March. I'm getting nibbles from new clinics, too. I just have another few days of this slowness to push through. But in the meantime, I think I'm going to be looking at a few more nights of tossing and turning, and days of wandering around the house like a lost soul....
It's not the boredom itself I mind, though. I can handle that, at least for a little while. It's the fact that, when I get bored, my mind starts to wander. And then, inevitably, I start wondering, which leads to worrying.
For the past few months now, work has been slow. I mean, really slow. Working 2-3 days a week maximum slow. At first this wasn't so bad. I had savings, I had holiday shopping to do and vacations to go on and projects to work on and friends to see.
But... the savings are starting to grow thin. And my friends are getting busier. And I've read a lot of books, baked a lot of cookies and cakes, crocheted shawls and dolls and scarves, stitched samplers, edited stories, entered data, and... I'm starting to go stir-crazy. I still have stuff I could do, but I'm starting to feel like I've worn a rut in my life, walking back and forth along the same path over and over again.
And when I can't keep myself distracted, the worrying starts. What if this isn't just a temporary slowdown? What if I can't earn enough to keep working like this? What if we chew through our savings? What if we can't keep up with the mortgage? What if it's me, and not the economy, that's the problem? What if my brain turns into rice pudding from being unused for so long? What if bad things happen? What if stuff?
I know this is all silly. Or at least, I tell myself it's all silly. Starting next week, I'm back up to 4-5 days a week of work for the next month, and I'm already starting to book into March. I'm getting nibbles from new clinics, too. I just have another few days of this slowness to push through. But in the meantime, I think I'm going to be looking at a few more nights of tossing and turning, and days of wandering around the house like a lost soul....
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Date: 2009-01-30 03:23 am (UTC)*swoons*
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Date: 2009-01-30 05:23 am (UTC)Worrying that maybe it's you, maybe you're not good enough? Well, you have concrete examples from your career by now. Remember that someone who wasn't that good couldn't get through that.
Worrying about your savings is reasonable, but realize that your worried state is making you feel worse than you should. If you weren't worried, you'd have (so much) concern, but now, you're having more, because of the background anxiety.
You need to understand, doing this won't necessarily make you feel better right away. It's more of a way of not letting yourself feel worse. It's like putting a bandage on, to stop the bleeding; you still have to heal from the cut. But it's like cleaning out the wound so it doesn't fester.
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Date: 2009-02-01 01:10 am (UTC)Biz development stuff (marketing, etc) is the reason I think I'm back to working for someone else for now. Now, if only I hadn't been stupid and said I'd freelance at the same time! (I'll take some of your bored now in exchange for my "so busy I don't have time for anything fun".)
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Date: 2009-02-01 02:01 am (UTC)I don't work just a few hours, though - that's a losing proposition. It doesn't work financially for me to sell a date for 2-3 hours, when I have the possibility of selling it to someone else for a full 8-10 hour shift. Even in slow time like this, it's a losing idea, because there's the chance of last-minute bookings....
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Date: 2009-02-01 03:43 am (UTC)BTW, I'm enjoying the cooking posts. :)