Kill It With Homeopathy!

[ladysprite]

I love urban fantasy. It's my genre of choice, and I've been a fan of it since well before it was trendy. It has its flaws, all genres do, but for the most part I can handwave past them to appreciate the story and the world and the characters.

There's one plot hole, though, that I'm running into more and more often, that I just can't get past. It's one of the only things nearly guaranteed to get me to shout, shake my fist in the air, and put the book in Time Out for being bad. And given that more and more of my friends are taking up writing in general and urban fantasy in particular, I need to put out a plea to them, and to all authors, to please never ever ever use this idea.

Killing vampires with bullets made of anticoagulant is Just. Plain. Stupid.

The logic starts with 'well, vampires have blood in them.' Yep. You know what else has blood in them? People. Also chickens, and iguanas, and cattle, and bunny rabbits, and werewolves, and anything else in the vertebrate category. We don't shoot them with anticoagulants.

I've seen settings where the logic chain follows to '...and blood has COAGULANT! And coagulant plus anticoagulant - it's like matter and antimatter! They'll explode on contact! Boom, vampire bits everywhere!'

If this were true, my job would be a lot more interesting, given that I need to store blood in tubes with anticoagulant every time I test a dog for heartworm. All anticoagulant does is keep blood from clotting.

Other authors just stick with the basic logic, figuring that should be enough. Vampires are full of blood; if you shoot them with anticoagulant all that blood will leak out, right?

There's just one problem with that. They *drink* blood. So the worst you could do would be shoot them in the stomach and have their lunch leak out, leaving them hungry. Even if you shot them in the femoral artery, they're dead. Their hearts don't pump, and the blood in their veins doesn't circulate. They can't bleed to death, even if the blood doesn't clot. Everything above the wound may pour out, but everything below will just sit there - and again, why would bleeding damage a dead thing?

This just leaves the explanation of sympathetic magic. Vampires are all about blood, and coagulant is all about... um.... blood. And I'd even accept that, if the authors presented it that way. But it's always couched in terms of science, where it boils down to complete and utter malarky. It's about as logical and scientific as saying, 'Oh no, an attack cow! Cows are full of milk! Quick, shoot it with lactaid! Lactaid breaks down milk proteins!'

'Oh no, a zombie! Zombies eat brains! Shoot it with prozac!'

'Oh, no - attack vegetarians! Shoot them with Beano!'

Please, authors. Just use wood-tipped bullets and call it magic. You're writing fantasy, it's okay to do that. That's why it's called fantasy.

Comments

[aries-walker.livejournal.com]

Was it the movie Blade that had the bullets made of compressed daylight, or somesuch? While not perhaps up to the ridiculous level of anticoagulant, you have to admit that's pretty dumb.

[riolobo.livejournal.com]

It was Underworld, and yeah, the bullets had some sort of UV-enhanced, glowing water-like material that supposedly acted like sunlight inside the vamps.
I just rolled my eyes, said 'Whatevvz' and turned the brain off for the rest of the movie

[evcelt.livejournal.com]

Turning your brain off for an action movie is generally a good idea.

[riolobo.livejournal.com]

Blade used a UV lamp to burn a vamp that was too fat to move. Sounds slightly more feasible

[cjsmith.livejournal.com]

Related to the title of the post, here's an article you might find amusing:

http://www.newsbiscuit.com/2010/04/20/new-age-terrorists-develop-homeopathic-bomb/

[ambug666.livejournal.com]

If I understand my homeopathy correctly, a trace amount of explosive diluted a 1000 (or more) fold in water won't produce a bomb, but the best explosive suppressant ever made.

If they wanted to make a bomb, they should take something incredibly stable, then dilute it a 1000 or more fold in water. Now that would be dangerous.

If homeopathy, like, worked or anything.

[evcelt.livejournal.com]

"Weapons-grade homeopathy". I'll have to remember that.

[braider.livejournal.com]

Quick, shoot it with lactaid!

You are wonderful.

[pixel.livejournal.com]

"wood-tipped bullets"

That could actually be kinda cool.

Even better would be a wood-tipped tracer round. That way you could shoot a flaming bullet that both stakes them *and* burns them with phosphorous. That should take care of even the most stubborn vampires.

[blaisepascal]

I've preferred the bullets loaded with Holy Water myself. But really, a wooden bullet isn't going to hurt a vamp unless it's a CNS or Cardiac hit, both of which are hard, protected, small, targets.

I would have assumed that vampire saliva contains anticoagulants for much the same reason mosquito and tick salivas do.

(in my mental urban fantasy picture, the vampires make mixed drinks, like 1 shot gin, 1 shot Type O, 10mg heparin, served over ice in a tall glass with club soda).

[auntiemame67.livejournal.com]

Sadly, wood tipped bullets would only work if they were from an extremely powerful tree, such as rowan, oak or ash. The whole thing about staking a vampire is that you use the *natural* wood to pin the *unnatural* vampire to the *natural* earth. A powerful magical tree, blessed by whatever religion you choose, might work if you set your magic up right. Actually, bullets coated with wild rose hips would be really great!

Oh, wait, sorry, this is not a chance for me to whip out my amazingly geeky, far too complete for anyone, including me, knowledge of vampire lore. Sorry. It's just so damned seldom I get a chance to show it off!

Anyway, back to your post -- shooting vampires with anticoagulent might, at *best*, give you a semi squishy, sloshy vampire, and really, who wants that?

[tafkad.livejournal.com]

Of course, using a Rowan-oak bullet would cause them to disappear with only an abstruse clue to work with...

[auntiemame67.livejournal.com]

Ouch.

[flaviarassen.livejournal.com]

You win at teh Intarwebs!

[zombie-dog.livejournal.com]

I've always been a fan of the "Concentrated UV beam gun vs. vampires" urban fantasy approach. While it is a tiny bit of a stretch, the logical extrapolation is at least THERE to stretch from.

[ladysprite.livejournal.com]

*nod* I'm fond of that - also supersoakers filled with holy water, and wooden arrows/crossbow bolts.

There are so many *good* clever ideas; that's part of what bugs me about the idiotic ones.

[evcelt.livejournal.com]

supersoakers filled with holy water

Ask me about the "hoodoo sniper rifle" sometime...

[thastygliax.livejournal.com]

Then you have Hellboy's Good Samaritan (http://hellboy.wikia.com/wiki/The_Good_Samaritan) and its overwrought ammo, for the "throw everything at it and something will work" approach. I appreciate that Mignola keeps the scientific and mystical explanations to a minimum, and just gets on with the story.

[etherial.livejournal.com]

I prefer supersoakers filled with kerosene, but then you have legal troubles.

[duane-kc.livejournal.com]

My favorite is having a Catholic priest make up some anointing oil...using DMSO. Relies entirely on chemical action, no circulation needed.

Shotgun shells filled with toothpicks work as well.

[auntiemame67.livejournal.com]

Shotgun shells filled with toothpicks will not actually nail the vampire to the earth... although.... hee hee hee! Now I have a lovely scene in my head: a sadistic vampire hunter slowly thumbtacks the evil vampire to holy ground with specially blessed rowan toothpicks, cackling all the way!

[vettecat.livejournal.com]

Quick, shoot it with lactaid!
Ok, that made me giggle... :-)

[metaphysick.livejournal.com]

I hate it when authors deliberately spill science all over potentially perfectly good vampire stories.

"Because it's maaaaaaaagic," is a 100% reasonable explanation for things that happen in a work of fantasy and/or horror fiction. Vampires don't have a fatal allergy to ultraviolet radiation; rather, the monstrous vitality in their unnatural corpse-bodies is destroyed by the holy power of the sun. A tanning bed should do exactly nothing to a vampire. Likewise, a silver bullet doesn't kill a werewolf because of some chemical reaction. It kills said werewolf because it's magic.

But, then, I'm also in the "Hannibal Lecter as protagonist" camp, in terms of my preference when it comes to monstrous characters in stories, and I'd love to see a work of vampire fiction written from that perspective... which, of course, probably means that I'll have to write it, myself.

[flaviarassen.livejournal.com]

Me, I hate it when writers deliberately spill pixie dust
& girlie glitter all over perfectly good vampire stories,
but, as with many things mainstream, I seem to be out
of step with general tastes...

[starcat-jewel.livejournal.com]

Dare I ask what series you've encountered this idiocy in? Just so that I know not to be tempted to pick them up?

[evcelt.livejournal.com]

In Alan Moore's "Top Ten: the Forty-Niners", Joan of Arc blessed the city reservoir and they firehosed a swarm of vamps to destruction...

[auntiemame67.livejournal.com]

This? This is BRILLIANT! I must now find this book!

[evcelt.livejournal.com]

That book, the two modern "Top Ten" books he wrote, and the spinoff one-shot "Smax" are all brilliant. "Top Ten" was continued by another author, but I hear it was disappointing.

[cristovau.livejournal.com]

If you could create a weapon to tattoo a cross onto a vampire, that would be an excellent modification.

Although, I do get annoyed by this "only catholic stuff kills vampires." What if the Vampire isn't particularly Catholic? I would take serious delight in a Jewish vampire getting beaten by a loaf of challah.

[auntiemame67.livejournal.com]

Oh, ya did it again, out comes my Geek. It doesn't matter what faith the vampire is, it matters what faith the person fighting it is. While Challah might not be particularly effective, if you grabbed a leg of the blessed lamb from a Passover dinner, you should be able to rather effectively beat the vampire to death with it, between the blessing and the garlic, as long as *you* believe it will work.

Likewise, an ardent, truly faithful Chinese Communist would find a copy of Mao's Little Red Book just as effective as a blessed cross to a Catholic. And Pagans... well, since they tend to be nature worshippers, and the whole reason vampires are evil is that they are unnatural, Pagans should be able to kick blood-sucker ass with some *high-test* authority. One mid-level Druid with a call lightning spell could wipe out a whole NEST!

Pretty much, it boils down to my favorite line from a vampire movie EVER... "You have to have FAITH for that to work on me, Mr. Vincent".

[flaviarassen.livejournal.com]

How many Passover seders have you been to?
I've been to at least 80 of them, and trust me,
no one "blesses" the shank bone - and it's usually
way to small to do any damage to anyone.

[auntiemame67.livejournal.com]

1. I've been to more than you think. When I was a kid, my church did one every single Maundy Thursday, with a Rabbi there. As a matter of fact, I was The Youngest Child about three times, before my little sister got to ask those questions.

2. My understanding (admittedly imperfect) was that the ritual itself made the meal blessed. Then again, I have a very Pagan/Taoist view of what makes a thing holy.

3. Oh, man... I'm really sorry my attempt at humor failed so utterly. I certainly did not mean to upset anyone.

[flaviarassen.livejournal.com]

So, IOW, you haven't, really. Those are very different than actual Passover seders.

But the person who failed the most is me - everyone was making jokes & I got all serious.

Back to your regularly scheduled fun - forget the pedantic curmudgeon in the corner!

[auntiemame67.livejournal.com]

Seriously, I didn't mean to offend or be incorrect. I was just trying to be silly back at the comment about Challah. You're not a pedantic curmudgeon -- hell, I would likely have done the same -- look at my comment about the toothpicks! (Ok, maybe we are *both* pedantic curmudgeons!)

And I am sure that the seders we did were different... we did have a Rabbi and his family come to them every year, and he was the one who helped our pastor get it "right", but I would not be surprised if it was not what Jewish kids grew up with. It was, after all, an Episcopal church in the Hudson River Valley in NY. This is part of why I've been using the "we're kind of stupid that way" Hobbes icon.

Have I met you at one of ladysprite's dos? If not, I need to. I'd like to talk with you further -- and if I have, my apologies... I have a memory like a steel... sieve.

[flaviarassen.livejournal.com]

Unfortunately, ladysprite & I don't live in the same state.
Possibly not even the same time Zone... :-Q

[serakit.livejournal.com]

I read one where they had vampires who were branded with a cross by the church. It didn't kill them, though; it was just there to mark them as the church's property. Of course, they'd also been turned before urbanization.

[flaviarassen.livejournal.com]

Challah? Why that? It's not holy.
Now a mezuzah - that would work just like a cross.

[dornbeast.livejournal.com]

One issue of X-Men had Kitty Pryde discovering that a cross didn't work for her...but the Star of David she wore was quite effective.

[johnprester.livejournal.com]

Actually, that depends on which explanation you're using for why a cross works. If you're a devout Christian, it's obvious. If not, I offer you the fact that, long before Christianity, the cross was a pagan symbol for the Sun.

In fact, in the first few centuries AD, the church tried to ban crosses on graves for that very reason -- the preferred symbol was the fish.

I could further speculate that there's a spell that infuses pagan solar cross-power into water, tricked out with bells and whistles to disguise it as a Catholic ritual.

[matildalucet.livejournal.com]

Shooting a knowledgeable attack vegetarian (I can't believe I just typed that phrase) with Beano might slow them down. "Ew! Fish!" Even in the liquid form, where I have trouble believing it's necessary. Sorry, pet peeve, and slowing one down is not the same as putting it out of commission.

[pujaemuss.livejournal.com]

'Oh no, an attack cow! Cows are full of milk! Quick, shoot it with lactaid! Lactaid breaks down milk proteins!'

This is a mark of genius.

PJW

[etherial.livejournal.com]

May I ask an unrelated fantasy verterinary question?

[ladysprite.livejournal.com]

Sure - what?

[etherial.livejournal.com]

One of the players in my role playing game has a riding Huttawa. It's sort of a cross between a tiger and an eagle. If horses wear metal shoes because the rider wears down their feet enough that they need reinforcement in the form of metal soles, what would you suggest for a riding cat?

[fractalgeek.livejournal.com]

Vampires have some sort of liquid blood, otherwise you couldn't drain them to turn.

If you shot a vampire full of coagulant, they might starve, or start crunching...

There is at least one case on record of someone who was on an antidepressant trial, overdosed, was close to death, then they discovered he was in the placebo side of the trial - at which point he recovered.

[raging-apathy.livejournal.com]

I would think all an anticoagulant would give a vampire is diarrhea.

[auntiemame67.livejournal.com]

ROFLOL!!!!
Ok. You win. :)
(I think my brain needs to take a shower now...)

[janetmiles.livejournal.com]

I'm thinking that in one of the Anita Blake books, Edward comes up with hollow-point bullets filled with liquid silver nitrate. But I could be remembering wrong.

[herooftheage.livejournal.com]

So one of the cheeziest vampire hunters I ever read about drank gin and tonics before going after Drac, because when he was really scared, he tossed his cookies, & he made the G&Ts with holy water.

It got worse from there.