One Day More

[ladysprite]

How is it that I can be going into burnout again so soon?

I just took time for myself in May. Not a vacation, admittedly, but I backed off of scheduling for a while. I haven't worked six day weeks in a long time; I'm honestly not working that many hours at all - a lot of the clinics I'm at right now want me to work short days if at all possible.

I'm doing my best to take care of myself, as best as I know how. I'll admit it's not something I'm very good at, but I'm meeting the basics. I'm eating, and sleeping when I can, and trying to get at least six hours a night. I'm exercising as often as I can. I'm trying to make time for friends, and stay busy but not too busy, and all that.

And I still feel like I did in the end of April, when the world was overwhelming and scary and I had reached the end of my rope.

I'm handling it better now - if there's one thing that all of the time I've spent working on the inside of my head has done, it's give me tools to at least manage my stress and anxiety and keep running as long as possible without collapsing. But it's there. I'm having nightmares again, and insomnia, and migraines. I'm edgy and anxious, and it's taking all of the energy and attention and effort I can muster to keep myself from steering into negative thought patterns.... and I'm not always succeeding, at that.

I feel like I need to go away and unplug and turn off and just escape for a week or so - and I will, next month - but at the same time, it feels like that is entirely and utterly unreasonable. I'm not going through that much; the world isn't asking that much of me, there are no calamities or emergencies or crises right now. I'm a grownup. I should be able to deal with everyday life.....

Comments

[glinda-w.livejournal.com]

but at the same time, it feels like that is entirely and utterly unreasonable. I'm not going through that much; the world isn't asking that much of me, there are no calamities or emergencies or crises right now. I'm a grownup. I should be able to deal with everyday life.....

Oh dear ghods does *that* feel familiar. Have had a couple of therapists try to get through my overly thick skull that comparing pain is a ... [word? sorry, semi-aphasic today] [I don't want to say "bad", maybe just "not useful"??] thing to do, and also remind me of the phrase "don't should on yourself". I'm still not that good at either, a lot of the time.

Mantra: just because someone else has it worse doesn't make your stress or pain not valid.

GoodThoughts...

Afterthought: I'm edgy and anxious, Yeah. Seems the only way I avoid *taht* is lorazepam. Would it be worthwhile for you to consider brain chemistry issues? Even if one starts out without them, circumstances can make that change - I never really did the panic attack thing until I was over 50, and now? hah. Anxiety disorder diagnosis. No fault, no blame, just that it's what *is*, and managing it - and telling myself that I've no sane *reason* to be so tense does no good at all. YMMV, etc...

[evcelt.livejournal.com]

Sometimes, you even need to depressurize from "ordinary life". And it's amazing how much extraordinary stress can accumulate in ordinary life... Also, if you had a stressy period earlier in the year, and didn't de-stress from that, it will make the more ordinary stuff feel more stressy...

::hugs::

[joannahurley.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

[alexx-kay.livejournal.com]

"I'm a grownup. I should be able to deal with everyday life....."

Bwahahahahahahahahah.....

No really, all the grownups who *seem* to be totally able to deal with it are just better at faking.

[starcat-jewel.livejournal.com]

You've spent a long time, a lifetime really, with not much in the way of a "cope reserve". You'd gotten used to that; it felt normal. Now your self-work is giving you the tools to start building up a little bit, and you're starting to realize what not being stressed to the point of snapping feels like. But your reserve is still low, and easily drained even by little things -- and now you notice when it's at low ebb, much more than you used to.

Time and more self-work will help your cope reserve grow. Your husband being employed will help a lot, because right now that's a constant low-level drain even when you're not consciously worrying about it.

[johnpalmer.livejournal.com]

Okay: on the negative side, this is *not* so abnormal that you should worry. On the positive side, you're still aware and still able to make choices and think about things.

For me - sometimes I find I'm not just caught by a negative thought pattern, but I'm actually trapped by a negative state of mind. "It's so dark, so soon, so gloomy, my SAD is going to act up... AND I CAN'T DO A DAMN THING ABOUT THAT - so why am I letting myself dwell? What do I want, right now? No, too vague. What will I do to get out of work by 6pm? First thing in, I'm going to... start writing the e-mail to close Ticket_X. Then, I'll...." (and soon, I'm out of the mindset.)

Now, you see, that thought pattern I described starting out in, that wasn't "I'm a fucking freak and sooner or later I'll be exposed as the toxic freak that I am and everyone will hate me for faking being normal well enough that they've been contaminated with my presence".

But it was still a different kind of mental trap, where I let myself get sucked into just "being there" and being a bit tired, and letting it drift toward bad news.

So, now that you've taken one step away from toxic thoughts, it might be that there's another you can take. But, as my example showed for me, sometimes the answer is not to avoid thinking X, it's to think about Y.