Dark, dark, dark.

[ladysprite]

WHen I set my clocks back last night, I thought cheerfully of the extra hour I was getting. When I woke up this morning and saw light in the sky, I was even happier. When I drove home in near-total darkness at 5:30 this afternoon, I remembered the price I have to pay for that light.

I'm not afraid of the dark. It's just a state like any other, neither good nor bad. But somehow, dark evenings make me feel the pressure of time upon me like nothing else can. There's a connection in my mind between dark and late, and between late and urgent, that I can't quite break. Darkness means nighttime means I should either be sleeping or have a damn good reason not to be. And since in reality there are still hours before true night, I wander around in a vague state of semi-lucidity, feeling like I should be doing something important and condemning myself because I'm not.

It's dark outside. It's getting late, and I'm running out of time, and the world is slipping away from me while I sit here and stare into the black mirror of my window, wondering what's hiding outside. Everyone around me is fading out of my reach, circling together for protection in the groups they've built while I was away becoming myself. Because while I was becoming me, they were becoming who they are now, and while I have a doctorate and a job, I'm not quite sure I have a self. My friends have made places for themselves in groups, in music and fandom and SCA and a dozen different organizations, and I'm so far behind in Being Part of Things that I'll never catch up. I'll be here, in the dark, until my eyes become vestigial and I can't remember what anything but darkness ever felt like. I'll have my job, and my thoughts, and that's all I'll know. And what scares me most is the thought that I might not realize that that's not how things are supposed to be.

I need to find time, and a way in. I need to learn how to be part of something other than a class again. I just don't know where to start... and it's so damn dark outside, I can't see where I'm going.

Comments

[tpau]

sigh, tell me about it. i have foudn the best way "in" is to find soemone who is "in there" and tag along. alot. sometimes it works. othertimes you feel lie the 9th wheel. when it works it is great. when it doesn't, you try again... *hug* feel better

[jducoeur]

Here -- have a virtual hug. (Not as good as the real thing, but has to do until we get Electronic Hug Physics perfected.)

It always hurts to have to break into a new group, and sometimes an old, established group can be "new" if you've been away for a while. God knows, I find it about as unfun as anything possible. (I'm getting a little of this now with the new job.)

But remember: you do have friends around. And if you bull through the trauma, you'll have more when you come out the other side. The darkness is scary, but spring does always come again...

[ladysprite.livejournal.com]

Thanks.... I'm feeling much better now, really. :)

I know that everything you said is true; I just have to work on *remembering* it. Usually that's not a problem, I just slipped a little last night. Dark at 5pm will do that to me sometimes, until I get used to it.

[figmo.livejournal.com]

I know where you're coming from. Feeling like like you're a "part" of any of these groups (even filking) takes time, no matter how welcoming the group is.

Besides, you are already a part of the filk community. :-)