Less-Than-Constructive Criticism

[ladysprite]

So there I was last night, driving home from work. I was stopped at a traffic light, and nobody was moving, so I picked up my MP3 player that was connected to my radio and, since it was a little too loud, turned the volume down (this involved pushing one small button on the side, and didn't mean taking my eyes off the road).

And suddenly a bicyclist who was riding by in the next lane over decided to Hulk out and throw a screaming temper tantrum. He leaned down to stare into my car and started screaming an expletive-laden tirade that was loud enough to hurt my ears through the closed car windows and over both my radio and the traffic noise, asserting that I should "not (censored) play with my (censored) phone while I was (censored) driving." I think there were a few more F-bombs in there for good measure, but honestly I lost count because I was busy wondering what the blue hell was going on and whether I was going to need to deal with him trying to break through my window and assault me.

And.... I know this upset me more than it should have, because I have a personal issue with people being mad at me, but honestly, I have to wonder - what was he honestly trying to accomplish? (Leaving aside the facts that I wasn't playing with a phone, that I was being a responsible driver, and that he took his eyes and attention off the road for a lot longer to rage out at me than the imagined offense he was raging at.)

Did he honestly think that verbal assault would make me blink widely in shock and surprise, suddenly realizing the error of my ways, and that I would gratefully go on, a wiser and chastened person, to never use a phone while driving again? Did he feel that my offense was so egregious that I needed to be attacked to punish my heinous crime?

Honestly, I just wonder about mean people in general. I mean, I know that everyone loses their temper from time to time, and everyone says hurtful things, and I can understand that. In the heat of the moment, in the middle of an argument, when you're hurting yourself, it's easy to lash out. But... this was utterly unprovoked. And there are people who just seem to pride themselves in being rude, or hurtful, or nasty, and there's a part of me that just always wants to ask them why. What is their reason for behaving that way - to what purpose do they do it? What do they hope to achieve by hurting other people?

Because deep down inside I'm pretty sure that the answer is that they don't care, or that it amuses them, and that kind of bothers me more than the initial offense itself....

Comments

[meranthi.livejournal.com]

To play devil's advocate, it was probably a last straw thing. You were the 57th person today he saw texting or playing with their phone and just snapped.

That said, there's NO EXCUSE for being an asshole. I don't care how many people have been rude to you; it's not your responsibility to take that out on other people. I worked in fast food in high school and the number of rude people was astonishing. Some of the worst of them were other fast food workers, which I just couldn't understand.

[browngirl.livejournal.com]

Yeah, but I also bet he thought he could bully a petite woman; I doubt he'd've leaned into the window of a 6' guy.

Feh, that guy makes me wish I believed in karma.

[ninjarat.livejournal.com]

I've been that guy. I've been >< close to being run down by asshat drivers who care more about texting and updating their facebook status than paying attention to the roads in front of and around them. EVERY driver looking at a phone or similar device instead of the road is a clear and immediate threat to life and limb. This includes every one of you reading this. If I don't think that way then one of you is going to run me down without noticing that I was there until you feel the bump under your tires.

[browngirl.livejournal.com]

Not me; I neither text nor drive.

And I still don't see anything in your comment that justifies yelling at randomly chosen women on the street, but I'm glad it makes you feel better to pick strangers you feel can't fight back and go bully them because other people were idiots and carelessly nearly injured you.

[ninjarat.livejournal.com]

Randomly? You don't know that. I don't know that. Even Becky doesn't know that. Maybe she did accidentally cut him off a few intersections back. I wasn't there. I didn't see it. Neither did any of you. All that I can go by is my own experience and let me tell you that the rage and terror from it are some of the most intense emotions I've ever experienced.

I know Becky. I know she wouldn't intentionally cut off a pedestrian or cyclist. Accidents happen anyway. Maybe one almost happened that night.

So take it for what it is: something that sticks in your minds. Maybe it will help make you aware of cyclists and pedestrians when you're out driving.

[browngirl.livejournal.com]

Maybe it will help make you aware of cyclists and pedestrians when you're out driving.

... did you notice the part of my comment where I said I don't drive? I think it was the first line.

I pay plenty of attention to cyclists, actually. I need to notice them when they're zooming down the sidewalk, hopefully before they nearly hit me and then holler at me to get my fat ass out of their all-important way.

And if you weren't there, how are you so sure Ladysprite actually earned a terrifying screamfest from someone she'd never met? If you're her friend how come you're siding with the stranger who decided to heap abuse on her?

[ninjarat.livejournal.com]

I'm doing this BECAUSE I'm her friend.

Edit: But I agree about the cyclists. Lots of us are just as much assholes to pedestrians as drivers are to cyclists and that's a very sad thing. Sidewalks are for pedestrians. Period. Which is why I don't ride my bike on them. I walk it through pedestrian areas.

[zombie-dog.livejournal.com]

What are you trying to say?

Becky told a story where she was completely stopped and briefly used an electronic device. Presumably we can trust that her foot was planted against the brake. Someone screamed at her for this.

Are you trying to propose that maybe this person had a good reason to scream at Becky because maybe she did something wrong and forgot, and we shouldn't think ill of aggressive, angry strangers, and really maybe there's net good from his torrent of futile invective and really we should be the ones learning a lesson?

If you have some other insight that you're trying to impart about this anecdote, I'm interested to hear it, but I'm not catching it. Nobody here is advocating device use while driving, so that lesson is unnecessary.

[ninjarat.livejournal.com]

I'm proposing the possibility that something almost happened at a previous intersection, something that Becky did not notice, and that the rant started once the offended cyclist caught up to her at the stop. If this is the case then yes, the cyclist had every reason to rant at her like that.

[zombie-dog.livejournal.com]

Why would you assume this?

The first words out of the biker's mouth had to do with the music player, which Becky tells us that she hadn't touched until just now. If he had shouted that she cut him off, that'd be a different story, but he doesn't seem to have done that.

I find it striking that you would assume good faith on behalf of a man you don't know who thinks it's a-okay to scream obscenities at a stranger and not your friend whom you have known for a while.

I get that you're bringing baggage to this conversation, but "Maybe you deserved it" is a messed-up piece of luggage to unpack here.

[ninjarat.livejournal.com]

I'm assuming good faith on the parts of BOTH parties. Becky wrote "night". That means dark around here this time of year. It's nearly impossible for a cyclist to see the interior of a car at night. It's also difficult for drivers to see cyclists at night even when they're wearing lights and reflective.

Let's assume for the sake of argument that Becky did accidentally cut this guy off somewhere further back from the stop lights. Cyclist can't clearly see what's going on in Becky's car. He gives chase, or maybe he's heading that way anyway. Car stops at the lights, cyclist catches up and sees Becky fiddling with the electronic gadget. Cyclist puts what he believes are two and two -- driver cuts him off, driver fiddling with gadget -- together and the rage boils over.

I'm not suggesting or assuming that it happened this way. I'm suggesting that it could have happened this way. Accidents like this happen too damned often and the frequency keeps going up.

Becky, adjusting the stereo at the stop light is the right thing to do. If the car is moving then both hands should be on the wheel unless taking a single hand off is necessary for safe operation: turn signals, shifting, and the like.

[ladysprite.livejournal.com]

Whoa. Deep breaths all, here; no need to dogpile on ninjarat. He's a friend, and I can kind of understand his point. And it's a lot better coming from him, in complete sentences without profanity, than from some yutz on the street.

Rat, I agree that texting/facebooking/checking email/gadget-fiddling while driving is dangerous, bad, and just plain wrong. That's why I don't do it. Ever. I do, however, feel safe in the act of turning down the volume on my radio while stopped at a traffic light. A

I even agree that it can be reasonable to lose your temper at someone engaged in dangerous and/or reckless behavior - I just question the rationale behind and effectiveness of attacking someone who's not engaged in the offensive behaviors. And no; I hadn't cut him off at a previous intersection; there are tons of bicyclists in that area and many of them don't obey traffic laws, so I'm hypervigilant.

I appreciate the stress and vigilance that goes into cycling in traffic, and I imagine it can be frustrating. I just don't know that the response was appropriate. That said, I appreciate your opinion and your feedback here, and I will continue to be as cautious as I can while driving.

Though I still reserve the right to adjust my radio volume at traffic lights.

[browngirl.livejournal.com]

Well, my eyebrows are in my hairline now. I don't think two people are a 'dogpile', and I think he's victim-blaming you, but if you're okay with that, this is your journal, and this is the last I shall say on it.

[ladysprite.livejournal.com]

There were other comments, which appear to have been deleted by the authors, so it was more than two people; I didn't realize that the other comments were deleted. I didn't mean to single out anyone; I just saw the flood of multiple comments all coming in at once and felt a bit overwhelmed.

I didn't mean to imply that you couldn't say anything, or shouldn't say anything; discussion is a goodness, and I value both your input and your standing up for both myself and other people in similar situations. *hugs* Thank you for that. Seriously.

I just don't like the appearance of people I care about arguing, and I guess I'm a little hypersensitive to that. I'm sorry if my reaction lead to you feeling like your input wasn't welcome; that wasn't my intent at all - just that people should maybe pause for a moment and catch their breaths....

[browngirl.livejournal.com]

The last thing you needed here was more upset. I apologize for contributing to that.

*hugs you back*

[zombie-dog.livejournal.com]

I absolutely respect your right to ask your friends not to argue in your safe space.

[zombie-dog.livejournal.com]

Do you feel as though the biker from this anecdote was acting appropriately?

Because this post wasn't about you.

[pierceheart.livejournal.com]

This is what they make windshield washer buttons for ... passing asshole bicyclists.

[pujaemuss.livejournal.com]

Being a naive and overoptimistic fool who likes to believe the best of everyone, I'd hope that he'd just come off a journey of nearly being knocked off his bike by idiot drivers fiddling with phones and not paying attention to anything smaller than a car. And thus his massive overreaction is fuelled by having been scared and coming off an adrenaline rush, rather than just being an awful human being.

PJW

[leanne-opaskar.livejournal.com]

I agree -- this was pretty much what I was figuring had happened, with a side of "perhaps this person has actually been run over by someone using a phone before".

[ladysprite.livejournal.com]

I understand - but what is the benefit of suddenly lashing out at a completely random person who is not actually interacting with you, engaging with you, or actually engaging in the behavior that you find so offensive? What does it accomplish?

[leanne-opaskar.livejournal.com]

It makes that person feel like they've done something about a problem that has affected them in the past? It helps them try to communicate that what you're doing scares them, even if it is not exactly what they thought it was? MP3 players and phones look pretty similar from the outside of a car.

I'm not saying it's a happy thing for you to be on the receiving end of this person's assumptions, but I do think it's an understandable reaction. Some people get angry when they're scared.

[z-gryphon.livejournal.com]

Speaking as someone who has had occasional temper problems over the years, it isn't really about running a cost/benefit analysis. It's just sort of an internal explosion. Sometimes it's as surprising to us as it would be to any theoretical witnesses.

For the record, my own flashes of completely irrational temper are customarily directed against inanimate objects. When I have difficulties getting things to work properly, I am occasionally seized with the random, irresistible desire to destroy those things rather than keep futzing with them. Not long ago, for instance, I tore down a miniblind after spending about 90 seconds trying to get the friggin' thing to come down and being unable to make the stupid tug-the-cord-to-release thing work. The red mist descended and suddenly it seemed that continuing to fool with the friggin' cord would be much less satisfying than ripping the whole assembly off the wall, so I did that. And then stood there for a few seconds with the tangled wreckage of the blind in my hands, my mind abruptly crystal clear again, thinking, Now why the hell did I do that?!

I don't kick off at people like Cyclist of Doom, though. Not only do I have a stronger internal barrier against causing other people bother, there's always the possibility that they'll kick off in turn and then beat the crap out of me.

[starcat-jewel.livejournal.com]

I suspect that it wasn't about YOU at all -- that you were a stand-in for someone else, or perhaps a multitude of someone elses. I also suspect that the person upthread who said there was an element of bullying in it has a point.

Bottom line: don't look for a rational cost/benefit analysis here. The guy was an asshole, for reasons you don't and can't know. Don't let him rent space in your head.

[siderea]

What does it accomplish?

Are you asking that for real?

[ladysprite.livejournal.com]

Originally? Yes, I was. Now? No. Now I just want people to stop arguing.

I get it. I was wrong. I'm the bad guy here. It's NOT ABOUT ME, as I've been repeatedly told, even though I never thought it was about me, and I'm a horrible person for listening to the radio and I should be much, much more sympathetic to this poor, put-upon biker who was forced to abuse me, and I should go find him and bake him a cake and grovel on behalf of... I don't even know.

Yes. I get it. I'm sorry. I'm ready to move on.

[mneme]

Hate to join the chorus, but...I don't think this was about you. I think that you were a convenient target, and that he (for whatever reason) wanted someone to be mad at, and by doing something that he perceived as daring to touch your phone while "driving" (for want of a better word when you were stopped at a light) you met his criteria for an acceptable punching bag.

Not pleasant--but understandable, in a "the brain can make you happy for being angry" ugly way.

[ladysprite.livejournal.com]

I know it wasn't about me. I never thought it was about me. And I comprehend being angry and wanting to lash out - but I don't understand unprovoked abuse.

Cats have aggression displacement issues. I'd kind of hoped that we were a bit more... functional and developed as a species.

[mneme]

You're right; sorry; I suspect, somehow, you also knew that it wasn't really about anything you did, either.

I do wish we were more functional and developed as a species to avoid crap like this, but the evidence is against it. People are often well meaning, and tend to try to be honest much of the time, but we've got a lot of irrationality going on.

[metaphysick.livejournal.com]

I stand by my initial assessment that he needs a good punch in the mouth.

[darkoni]

Punching him would most likely result in another bout misplaced anger down the road. Then you have another person on the receiving end being just asconfused as to what just happened. Hate just leads to more hate. Making a concious choice not to spread it on makes the world a little bit better.

[metaphysick.livejournal.com]

Conversely, some people just need a good ass-kicking to get their heads on straight.

[z-gryphon.livejournal.com]

Maybe it all just came crashing in on him suddenly - oh my God, I'm an adult on a bicycle - and he had to lash out at somebody to forestall self-destruction.

[vettecat.livejournal.com]

Agree with others that you were probably a random convenient target for offenses committed by others - you were stopped at a traffic light, not endangering anyone. But I'm sorry you had to be subjected to that. Wish we could track him down and make him apologize.

[darxus.livejournal.com]

I'm really concerned about how much people seem to be paying more attention to their phones and less to reality going on around them. And I think it could be productive, on a small scale, to incoherently scream at a few strangers who are doing it dangerously.

But the part about you being stopped at a light doesn't make any sense. Maybe you could have helped him recognize his error by screaming back at him.

[browngirl.livejournal.com]

Screaming back is a dangerous thing for a woman to do to a man she knows nothing about -- it's not that rare for escalation to commence, and a lot of men feel justified in doing just about anything to a woman they don't know.

[zombie-dog.livejournal.com]

also, if you've ever screamed in an enclosed vehicle, you know that it really hurts your ears!

[cristovau.livejournal.com]

You never know, this could be due to a change in medication or something unsettling eating at his soul. No one gets so outraged at mild offenses. Even with excuses, this is unfair and pointless.

There are a lot of wackos out there, and this emotional response can't be put into the realm of reasoning. He didn't know what he was trying to accomplish. He was lashing out. He snapped. It was inappropriate. If he was thinking at all, he probably wouldn't have.

I don't get it either, but I think this falls under the "You never know what is going on with the other driver," maxim. Sorry, you got in the way of that rage cloud. Not at all deserved.