ladysprite | Poetry, an Alternate Viewpoint

I am truly in love with this poetry meme. And the wonderful

browngirl posted a modern version of Tam Lin that was truly beautiful - it retold the same story, still in verse and meter, but with somewhat more updated language.

But it left me wondering what a truly modern version of Tam Lin would look like. And once I started down that path, I could not stop. So y'all get to see it, now....

Tam Lin, Revisited.

Okay. So there used to be this club, called Carter Hall or something. Yeah; it's a stupid name for a club, but who knows why old people name things like they do? Anyway, we always used to warn all the girls not to hang out there - especially the blondes, because there was this weird Mysterious Loner Dude named Tam, or Tom, or something, and he was a TOTAL player. And seriously, like every blonde chick who went down there wound up giving *something* up to him. Sometimes he'd just take them for their money, but usually it was a lot more, if you know what I mean.

But of course, my friend Janet - you know her, she's the one with the Manic Panic dandelion-yellow hair and a chip on her shoulder? Yeah, so she's all like, 'Screw that noise, I'm going wherever the hell I like." So this one night last summer she got herself all tarted up in this lime-green micromini and did her hair up in these little braids, and she burnt rubber getting out there.

And right when she walked in, there was Mysterious Loner Dude. And she was dancing, and drinking, but before the second song was over he went up to her, and he was all, 'Hey,' and she was all, 'Hey yourself, I'm dancing,' and he was all, 'Not no more you ain't,' and she was all, 'Like hell, I'll do what I want.' And then they totally did it in the ladies room.

So everything was cool for a little while, until a month or so later, when Janet's monthly visitor failed to show up. Which, NOT cool. For anyone, because in this backwards little town, if one girl gets into trouble we all do. Also, Janet was kinda freaked, because she had a PLAN for her life, and 'get knocked up by Mysterious Loner Dude was absolutely not wedged in there between 'backpack through Bali' and 'get famous on reality tv.'

Anyway, so she couldn't hide it forever, and finally her dad called her on it. And he was all, 'No child of mine is going to be an unwed mother teen statistic! Tell me what nefarious lout did this to you, and I will totally march him down the aisle at gunpoint!!!OMG!' And Janet just rolled her eyes at him, like she does, and sighed and she was like, 'DAD, you don't know this guy and he's not from around here and anyway it's MY baby and MY body and I'll take care of it!'

So, like, she made an appointment at one of THOSE clinics, you know? And then she went back to Carter Hall to drown her sorrows in illegally-acquired Birthday Cake-flavored Vodka, and before she could even get her second drink, Mysterious Loner Dude grabs her by the wrist and is all, 'Bitch, what the hell are you doing? Booze is bad for babies, you know? Not like you care, though, because I heard you were going to get rid of it, which WHAT???'

And she's all, 'Like you care.' And he's all, 'Like, I do. I just, y'know, can't leave here. 'Cause I'm in a gang.'

And Janet kinda blinks and says, 'Huh?'

And he goes on for a while about how he was just hanging out with his friends this one time, and they all left him behind, and so some gang picked him up and they're pretty rough and he really doesn't know how to get out, but he doesn't WANT to be with them, and maybe she could help, because tonight they're having some big rumble and if someone challenges the leader maybe he can cut ties with them and be a good babydaddy.

And Janet's like, 'Tonight? Pretty fucking convenient.'

And he's like, 'Just roll with it, okay?' And he goes on about how they're going to be out riding their motorcycles on Miles Cross road at midnight, and how she needs to wait there and grab onto his bike when they stop, and pull him off. And she, quite reasonably, asks how the hell she's going to know which one is him if they're all in leathers and helmets and crap. But he tells her he's on a white bike at the end of the line (because he's the new guy). And he says he'll leave off the glove on his left hand, and also, check out my flowing tresses, how the hell could you not recognize me. (Dude, vain much?)

But anyway, so she has to pull him off the bike and wrestle him, which sounds both kinda hinky and kinky, but I'm not a gang-banger, so who knows why they do what they do? And she has to win, and throw him into the lake there by the road, and then he'll be shamed out of the gang or some shit.

So she went down to Miles Cross road and was hanging out there, doing her best not to smell the winos or look too much like a hooker, and this gang came riding by. And so when the white bike at the end came through she pulled him off, and sure enough, they fought and they pushed and they pulled and I think she bit him, and they finished their kinky fuckery and she threw him in the lake, which was pretty damn cold, and so when he climbed out she loaned him her jacket (which is more than I'd do for that loser), and then the leader of the bike gang came up and took off the helmet and it was this really hot chick.

And Janet looked at her babydaddy and was like, 'Dude, you joined a CHICK gang?'
And he's like, 'Just roll with it, okay?'
And the gangleader lady was wicked pissed, and she's like 'Who the fuck stole my boy toy? There is a serious shortage of hot guys willing to join my rolling lady brigade!'

And Janet's like, 'That'd be me, bitch.'
And the biker lady was like, 'Who are you calling a bitch, bitch? If I'd known this was going to happen I swear I would totally have scratched out loverboy's eyes. But fine, whatever. Go be happy with your little mundane baby. I'll find some other Tam or Tom or whoever I want, because I am one Fine Fucking Faerie Queen.

I think she did meth or something.

But anyway, that's why you don't want to go hang out at Carter Hall. Some seriously weird shit goes on down there.

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Poetry, an Alternate Viewpoint

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