Changing Rhythms

[ladysprite]

I just finished my last day of work, at least until sometime next spring.

I'm not quite sure how to feel about this. I haven't had this much downtime since I was fourteen years old. On my 15th birthday I got my working papers and started my part-time job at the Ocean County Library, and since then I've either been working, in school, or both. I think the longest break I had was the 3 weeks of winter break my sophomore year of vet school.

I know I need this downtime. I need to rest and heal, but it's hard not to feel lazy. I think about the money I should be earning, the chores I should be doing, the space I'm taking up and the resources I'm using, and it's hard not to fidget and fret. I feel like I'm forgetting something, like there's something I'm supposed to be doing, obviously, because it's not normal to have this much free time.

I have people who are helping me. ubran and metaphysick are taking care of me and going out of their way to make sure that, when I'm supposed to be resting, I'm actually resting. Friends are lending me books and DVDs and planning low-key social time. And I'm doing my best to think of this as an opportunity and not a punishment.

Still, I think the hardest part about this is going to be changing my mindset. For as long as I remember, I've defined myself by what I do. I'm a veterinarian. I'm a dancer. I'm an exercise junkie. And now I've had that all taken away from me - it's hard to avoid feeling like I'm a non-person; like I'm not myself anymore. I need to learn to define myself by who I am. At least I'll have plenty of time to work on that....

In other news, the insurance company apparently still hasn't authorized my procedure. The one I'm supposed to be having in four days. I'm doing my best not to freak the hell out, but after all of the previous screw-ups, I'm not too comfortable with this....

Comments

[blaisepascal]

Your job, at least until sometime next spring, is to rest and to heal. It's an important job that takes priority over chores or other things you are supposed to be doing.

This is a temporary job, in much the same way that actors temporarily wait tables or tend bar. It doesn't mean they aren't actors; they just aren't currently acting. Likewise, this important temporary job doesn't change the fact that you are a veterinarian, a dancer, an exercise junkie. It's just that now, all those other jobs are on hiatus for this currently more important temporary job as a rester.

You will vet; you will dance; you will do IV exercise (er, maybe not). But now, you will rest.

Get well soon, and don't push it too fast.

[ckd]

All of that, with emphasis on the first paragraph.

[vettecat.livejournal.com]

Agree completely. And I hope the insurance snag gets resolved ASAP.

[citabria]

I agree as well. Healing *is* work -- really hard work, actually, even more so than lots of exercise. It's just a kind of work that, for the most part, your body does on its own. That's pretty darned cool, really! And I, too, hope the insurance stuff works out quickly for you.

[johnpalmer.livejournal.com]

Well... one thing I feel like saying here is - this isn't supposed to be easy. You know? You're right - you're losing a lot of stuff that's really important to you. It's *hard*. One thing you can do is think about what those things mean to you. Do veterinarians have piles of journals to catch up on? Or have you ever thought of writing a veterinary advice column? Is there anything you can put your skills to use doing that won't hurt you while you're healing? Exercise and dance are harder, I imagine - there's not as much researching or writing about to do there. But it's also not at all wrong to think that maybe the universe has decided you need to know who and what you are when you can't do those things, and try to learn it. It won't make the frustrations and pains any less... but it doesn't make 'em any worse, either (so long as you don't think of the universe as some evil scheming force dedicated to making your life miserable. Though that can be funny, too - imagine, the entire flippin' *universe* against an admittedly brilliant and wonderful woman).

[joannahurley.livejournal.com]

Your friends have said everything I've thought of. It's hard, and I truly understand what you mean. But this is about recovery and doing what's best for your body in the short term so that you can continue to do all the things you love in the long term. It's ok to rest. Really.

[dornbeast.livejournal.com]

For as long as I remember, I've defined myself by what I do.

Don't forget writer.