Fear And Change
Oct. 6th, 2014 10:23 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
ladyspriteEveryone has things they're afraid of. It's normal; it's part of having a mammal brain. Spiders or clowns or heights or snakes or whatever.
I've always had an odd relationship with fear. I'm not afraid of most of the common things - spiders, heights, edges, pain, death.... I really have no problem with them. On the other hand, I have always had some pretty serious and odd phobias. They've always just been there, a part of my life, as long as I can remember.
I'm afraid of fire. I can't remember ever not being. It's not something I think about, or examine; it's just part of my life in the back of my head, up there with knowing my shoe size and my birthday and my allergies.
Except I was talking about this with a friend the other day (in the context of fire-spinning), and I was trying to explain my fear, and it was hard to describe. And as I was talking about how, precisely, my fear manifests, I tried to explain that no, I didn't mind fireplaces, or bonfires, or fire in general as long as it was where it belongs; I just don't want uncontrolled fire being blasted at me suddenly, or flailing around my head.
....and that's not much of a phobia. And that wasn't always true. I remember crying uncontrollably when I was little because I had to light the matches for the candles in our menorah. I couldn't use a lighter. And now.... I just don't want it swinging around my hair.
I'm not as afraid as I was.
I used to be afraid of drowning. When I went snorkeling for the first time, when I went rafting for the first time, it was all I could do not to hyperventilate and crawl back to safety as quickly as possible. Now.... thinking about fire made me think about that too, and realize that, while I'm aware of my limits (I'm not a strong swimmer) and I have a healthy respect for the ocean, I don't start every trip into deep water with dread.
I still have things I'm afraid of. Losing my memory. Singing in public. Movie gore (though I'm building up a bit of a tolerance to that, too). But... I'm not *phobic* of most of the things I used to be. And it's a bit liberating, and a bit scary in and of itself. It's a clear indicator that I'm not quite as aware of the inside of my head as I like to think that I am, and that I need to pay more attention to my internal and mental landscape. And it means I don't have the excuse of fear to keep me from trying things, which is a mixed bag as well.
Still.... it feels good not to be afraid, and to be aware of it....
I've always had an odd relationship with fear. I'm not afraid of most of the common things - spiders, heights, edges, pain, death.... I really have no problem with them. On the other hand, I have always had some pretty serious and odd phobias. They've always just been there, a part of my life, as long as I can remember.
I'm afraid of fire. I can't remember ever not being. It's not something I think about, or examine; it's just part of my life in the back of my head, up there with knowing my shoe size and my birthday and my allergies.
Except I was talking about this with a friend the other day (in the context of fire-spinning), and I was trying to explain my fear, and it was hard to describe. And as I was talking about how, precisely, my fear manifests, I tried to explain that no, I didn't mind fireplaces, or bonfires, or fire in general as long as it was where it belongs; I just don't want uncontrolled fire being blasted at me suddenly, or flailing around my head.
....and that's not much of a phobia. And that wasn't always true. I remember crying uncontrollably when I was little because I had to light the matches for the candles in our menorah. I couldn't use a lighter. And now.... I just don't want it swinging around my hair.
I'm not as afraid as I was.
I used to be afraid of drowning. When I went snorkeling for the first time, when I went rafting for the first time, it was all I could do not to hyperventilate and crawl back to safety as quickly as possible. Now.... thinking about fire made me think about that too, and realize that, while I'm aware of my limits (I'm not a strong swimmer) and I have a healthy respect for the ocean, I don't start every trip into deep water with dread.
I still have things I'm afraid of. Losing my memory. Singing in public. Movie gore (though I'm building up a bit of a tolerance to that, too). But... I'm not *phobic* of most of the things I used to be. And it's a bit liberating, and a bit scary in and of itself. It's a clear indicator that I'm not quite as aware of the inside of my head as I like to think that I am, and that I need to pay more attention to my internal and mental landscape. And it means I don't have the excuse of fear to keep me from trying things, which is a mixed bag as well.
Still.... it feels good not to be afraid, and to be aware of it....
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no subject
Date: 2014-10-07 12:33 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2014-10-07 05:21 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2014-10-08 12:41 pm (UTC)Don't fret that you weren't somehow magically aware of this happening; it is, of necessity, a gradual process, and only noticeable in cases like you describe above, when you try to talk about it and realize you've changed.
Yay for not being afraid!
no subject
Date: 2014-10-11 05:46 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2014-10-13 02:46 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2014-10-14 02:48 pm (UTC)As it happens, I have sympathy with your former fire fear, as I can't light matches or use a standard lighter. I'm good with campfires and fireplaces, and I can briefly hold a lit match or a lit candle. But actually producing fire, that close to my skin... nope, it's just not okay.