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ladyspriteI hate this part. I hate the admitting, and the asking, and the.... needing, for lack of a better word. I've been doing so well for the past year or so, and it hurts like fire to acknowledge that I'm backsliding.
But.... after talking it through with my sweetie, and with some other dear and trusted friends, it has become fairly clear to me that I'm falling back into dangerous old not-quite-coping habits as life gets more and more painful and complex. I feel better at least knowing that, from an outside perspective, my life is turning fascinating shades of bad - work is becoming increasingly troublesome, schedule is impossible, wedding planning is a bear, and I'm swallowing far more than my RDA of stress - but it's reaching the point where I'm more or less constantly miserable, and unable to see the positive points of life, even when my nose is rubbed in them.
They're there, I know they are. I have friends that care about me, and a sweetheart who treats me far better than I deserve, and a roof over my head and food on my plate. I just can't see them, when I'm not actively searching for them. And my mind goes out of control trying to handle the badness, and I find all of the bad habits that have been gone for years crawling back. I'm obsessing about my weight, and counting calories fanatically. I'm self-injuring again. And I'm cutting myself off systematically from my entire support network, both by actively avoiding socialization and by passively treating my friends like valueless broken toys. I've been coming up with excuses to drop out of the SCA, cancel movie nights, dodge phone calls, and just generally isolate myself in a little ball of self-fulfilling misery.
This time, though, I can see it happening. And I can't stop it by myself, but maybe I can control it, with help from outside. So... please, help keep me from vanishing. I don't want to disappear, I want to stay real, and I want to be able to see things true instead of through the grey filter that I'm looking through now. Please, if you see me hiding or standing off in a corner, poke me and tell me to get out in the open. If I cancel on you, demand a reason. If I threaten to run away and quit life, slap me. Or make a funny face. Or tickle me, or anything to snap me out of it. Same if you see me cutting my hands with my nails, or skipping meals, or focusing on the negative to the exclusion of all else.
I hate asking for help, and burdening my friends like this. But I'm not asking for that much, really. I don't need money or blood and sweat, or even much time, to be honest. Just... if you see me being bad to myself, tell me. Gently if possible, sternly if necessary. I want to climb out of this....
But.... after talking it through with my sweetie, and with some other dear and trusted friends, it has become fairly clear to me that I'm falling back into dangerous old not-quite-coping habits as life gets more and more painful and complex. I feel better at least knowing that, from an outside perspective, my life is turning fascinating shades of bad - work is becoming increasingly troublesome, schedule is impossible, wedding planning is a bear, and I'm swallowing far more than my RDA of stress - but it's reaching the point where I'm more or less constantly miserable, and unable to see the positive points of life, even when my nose is rubbed in them.
They're there, I know they are. I have friends that care about me, and a sweetheart who treats me far better than I deserve, and a roof over my head and food on my plate. I just can't see them, when I'm not actively searching for them. And my mind goes out of control trying to handle the badness, and I find all of the bad habits that have been gone for years crawling back. I'm obsessing about my weight, and counting calories fanatically. I'm self-injuring again. And I'm cutting myself off systematically from my entire support network, both by actively avoiding socialization and by passively treating my friends like valueless broken toys. I've been coming up with excuses to drop out of the SCA, cancel movie nights, dodge phone calls, and just generally isolate myself in a little ball of self-fulfilling misery.
This time, though, I can see it happening. And I can't stop it by myself, but maybe I can control it, with help from outside. So... please, help keep me from vanishing. I don't want to disappear, I want to stay real, and I want to be able to see things true instead of through the grey filter that I'm looking through now. Please, if you see me hiding or standing off in a corner, poke me and tell me to get out in the open. If I cancel on you, demand a reason. If I threaten to run away and quit life, slap me. Or make a funny face. Or tickle me, or anything to snap me out of it. Same if you see me cutting my hands with my nails, or skipping meals, or focusing on the negative to the exclusion of all else.
I hate asking for help, and burdening my friends like this. But I'm not asking for that much, really. I don't need money or blood and sweat, or even much time, to be honest. Just... if you see me being bad to myself, tell me. Gently if possible, sternly if necessary. I want to climb out of this....
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Date: 2004-05-14 04:52 am (UTC)