Help Me?

[ladysprite]

I hate this part. I hate the admitting, and the asking, and the.... needing, for lack of a better word. I've been doing so well for the past year or so, and it hurts like fire to acknowledge that I'm backsliding.

But.... after talking it through with my sweetie, and with some other dear and trusted friends, it has become fairly clear to me that I'm falling back into dangerous old not-quite-coping habits as life gets more and more painful and complex. I feel better at least knowing that, from an outside perspective, my life is turning fascinating shades of bad - work is becoming increasingly troublesome, schedule is impossible, wedding planning is a bear, and I'm swallowing far more than my RDA of stress - but it's reaching the point where I'm more or less constantly miserable, and unable to see the positive points of life, even when my nose is rubbed in them.

They're there, I know they are. I have friends that care about me, and a sweetheart who treats me far better than I deserve, and a roof over my head and food on my plate. I just can't see them, when I'm not actively searching for them. And my mind goes out of control trying to handle the badness, and I find all of the bad habits that have been gone for years crawling back. I'm obsessing about my weight, and counting calories fanatically. I'm self-injuring again. And I'm cutting myself off systematically from my entire support network, both by actively avoiding socialization and by passively treating my friends like valueless broken toys. I've been coming up with excuses to drop out of the SCA, cancel movie nights, dodge phone calls, and just generally isolate myself in a little ball of self-fulfilling misery.

This time, though, I can see it happening. And I can't stop it by myself, but maybe I can control it, with help from outside. So... please, help keep me from vanishing. I don't want to disappear, I want to stay real, and I want to be able to see things true instead of through the grey filter that I'm looking through now. Please, if you see me hiding or standing off in a corner, poke me and tell me to get out in the open. If I cancel on you, demand a reason. If I threaten to run away and quit life, slap me. Or make a funny face. Or tickle me, or anything to snap me out of it. Same if you see me cutting my hands with my nails, or skipping meals, or focusing on the negative to the exclusion of all else.

I hate asking for help, and burdening my friends like this. But I'm not asking for that much, really. I don't need money or blood and sweat, or even much time, to be honest. Just... if you see me being bad to myself, tell me. Gently if possible, sternly if necessary. I want to climb out of this....

Comments

[siderea]

1) ((hugs))!!

2) If there is a stress you can get rid of, now is the time. Could you do something like put wedding planning on hold for a month?

[dagibbs.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

I wish I was closer, and could do more.

As for asking friends... it is such a cliche, but that is what friends are for.

Gotta convince work to send me down to Boston for another visit.

more *hugs*

[vettecat.livejournal.com]

Unfortunately my schedule is insane the next couple weeks, but if you're still feeling down when I stop living out of a suitcase, we're going for ice cream...

[cyan-blue.livejournal.com]

Many hugs... we are here for you. And we like you with all your loveable quirky imperfections... don't try to bland yourself into some mistaken ideal.

You are overwhelmed with responsibilities. See what can be lightened, what unwanted burdens you can put down.

Hugs...

[claire.livejournal.com]

{{{hugs you}}} Don't be nasty to yourself. Treat yourself as if you are worth loving, even if you don't believe that at the time.

[rickvs.livejournal.com]

> I want to stay real

You are Real. Just like the Skin Horse, and for the same reason.

And it's not a burden for me to remind you of it, because I have selfish reasons for helping you not withdraw yourself from the world.

[janetmiles.livejournal.com]

* points up *

What he said.

You are my good friend, and whatever I can do from this far away, I will do.

[warinbear.livejournal.com]

Thirded.

[iamjw.livejournal.com]

Fourthed

[98.livejournal.com]

Damn. Off in the ether as my beloved anisoptera and I are, we probably won't see you be bad to yourself. I can just remind you now that we (including a trio of furry kids) care about you and want you to treat yourself with love and kindness.

[anisoptera.livejournal.com]

I apologize in advance and please ignore if this not what you need.

Are there things you can do to be good to yourself?

Maybe make a schedule of things that help you relax and relieve stress?

I find getting regular massage (once a week for a few weeks) helps me reconnect with my body in a positive way. Is that an option for you?

[braider.livejournal.com]

*hug*

[sdavido.livejournal.com]

Elka offered the ice cream . . . hows about you and your sweetie come over for dinner sometime, again, after we're both a bit more settled (in about 3 weeks or so)?
Dinner, bad movies or strange documentaries or sappy movies?

[pagawne.livejournal.com]

Becky, Take it easy on yourself. Please remember you are only human, and NO ONE expects you to be some perfect ideal. Take some advice from your cats, let others do the worrying for a change, they are there to help take care of YOU.

It will all work out for the best. Now, go play with your catnip and have some cream. :}

[meranthi.livejournal.com]

*HUG*

If it would help to come visit the baby, that's an option. :)

[pixel.livejournal.com]

"Becky, I'll always try my damnest to be there for you. You're a good person and a great friend.
And helping you would never ever be something I'd consider a burden. I care a lot about you.
I'm going to try and forcibly pry some free time out of my schedule in the next week or two and come up and see you. Please let me know what evenings/weekend days are best for you (or utterly impossible), I've missed seeing you a lot."

[ladysprite.livejournal.com]

Hrm.

Arnis is going to be away next weekend (a week from tomorrow, not tomorrow), and while I have company for Saturday, it might be nice to have you here Sunday, if that works for you. I could make brunch, and then if it's nice out we could wander around the city together.....

[pixel.livejournal.com]

"Ack! Vassar graduation is that day at 10am. I really would like to come up and see you that day. But even if I tried to come up after the graduation the 4-hour+ drive between Poughkeepsie and Boston would mean I might get there too late to socialize much before I'd have to head home for work the next day. If you want to try for something Sun evening though I can try...
Otherwise, are you fre for a dinner date some weeknight over the next few weeks? Assuming I get the brakes problem on y car sorted out I could drive up one day after work (I get out 3-4pm) and meet you for dinner."

[autographedcat.livejournal.com]

*hug* you know I'm always here for you, however it may be that you need me.

Something specific

[new-man.livejournal.com]

It is wonderful to see how many friends you have, and toknow that you will never lack for virtual hugs. Sometimes — and I think depression is one of those times — even good choices are overwhelming. You don't want to be responsbile for scheduling or making plans or exploring options.

So here is a very real and specific plan, made by somebody else. I ocassionally go to Man Ray on Wednesdays after fighter practice. I know it's a late night. Would you like to meet me there next Wednesday? Let me know.

Re: Something specific

[ladysprite.livejournal.com]

Hrm. Usually I have Wednesday mornings off, but next week I have to be at work at 7:30am Thursday.

On the other hand, there's no point in being young and energetic if I can't abuse it on occasion, and I know dancing is damn good therapy for me. So.... sure, and thank you, and what time?

[catalana.livejournal.com]

*hug* I don't see you very often, but if we're at the same con and I notice you hiding, I'll come chase you out of it.

You're a beautiful, interesting, talented, intelligent lady. I don't want to see you hurt. *hug*

[mindways]

*hugs* Will do.

and it hurts like fire to acknowledge that I'm backsliding.

But not too far...or you wouldn't even acknowledge it. Kudos for doing so, and for asking for help when you need it.

[evcelt.livejournal.com]

::hugs::

Sorry I'm not closer, to help more, but:

Look at this whenever you need a lift. Guaranteed to give you a lift- ravenrose sometimes leaves it on in the background when she's stressed.

I have a feeling that looking at this might help, too. :-)


And I'm generally in agreement with jikharra- the fact that you realize that you're in trouble, and you're putting up a distress signal, is a good sign.

[greenman65.livejournal.com]

Hmphh - too many miles away methinks, but virtual hugs anyway.

Ohh - and look what I found lurking in the depths of my "memories" folder...happy thought inducing I hope (and can you believe that it was nearly seven years ago????)


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From: sidhe@world.std.com (Rebecca L Schoenberg)
Subject: Happy/Rant - back in the States
Message-ID: <eekn1q.jwg@world.std.com>
Organization: The World Public Access UNIX, Brookline, MA
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Date: Fri, 8 Aug 1997 01:34:37 GMT
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Xref: demon alt.callahans:104667

An extraordinarily tired-looking blonde elf in black velvet leggings and a giant green sweatshirt with the Royal Shakespearian Company logo on it stumbles into the Place. Pausing to get a glass of cranberry juice from the bar, she curls up in a seat near the fireplace.

"Well, I've survived my trip to the UK, and with one notable exception, it was one of the best weeks I've ever had. However, I need to state right here and now that I am never, ever having anything to do with American Airlines again.

"Their 8:15 am airport shuttle arrived at 9:30. I still managed to get onto my flight from London to NYC, thankfully. When I got through customs faster than expected, they offered to move me onto an earlier flight to Boston. This involved getting my bags from the later flight, however, which they couldn't do in time.

"Then the flight I was supposed to be on was cancelled, and they wouldn't tell us what they would do to fix this. Eventually they had to bus us over to another airport - and when they sent us to pick up our luggage, mine wasn't there. Apparently it had made it onto the earlier flight after all.

"Then the driver of the shuttle decided to take a shortcut, and got
lost. We got to the airport 4 minutes before the flight left - and then spent 45 minutes sitting on the runway. I made it home, eventually, somewhat the worse for wear.....

"That being said, I had the best time imagineable while I was there. London is an absolutely beautiful city, full of green spaces and parks and trees everywhere, and Journeyman and Bill are the best escorts a girl could ever hope for. Too much happened to go into any real detail (though not enough - I've already started making a list of things to do on my next trip over!)so I'll just have to list some of the highlights....

Climbing trees in Hyde Park
Seeing the RSC perform Hamlet, about 60 times better than *any* production of the play I've ever seen
Walking around the city until my feet gave out under me
Exploring every nook and cranny of a giant ancient castle somewhere in the middle of Wales, and finding the parts where you can't see anything but castle and trees and river, no billboards or cars
Splashing barefoot in the fountain in Trafalgar Square
Sitting on the edge of a stream in Regent's Park and watching all the baby ducks and goslings and cygnets come swimming up to me
Driving around the middle of nowhere in the rain and looking up at the canopy of green over my head
Finding the maharajah's well (ask Andy for the story, he knows it better than I do)
Hunting down the statue of Peter Pan in Hyde Park
Finding (wonder of wonders, miracle of miracles) a tiny dark store in a tiny dark sidestreet of Leicester Sqare, called Dance Books, with an entire section devoted to books on Renaissance Dance (where I spent the vast majority of my money)
Learning that, whatever negative reputation British food has, they make some of the best desserts known to mankind

And about a dozen other things, too many and too detailed (and I'm too tired)to relate now.... I don't what else to say, other than the fact that I'm in love with the place." :)

That said, she proceeds to curl p the rest of the way and fall asleep, a small brown teddy bear in one hand and a copy of "Orchesography" in the other.

-banshee, very tired, very footsore, very happy

[matildalucet.livejournal.com]

{{HUGS}} And I absolutely get the need for outside perspective. Sometimes I don't catch my own demons before they catch me. I'll keep a friendly eye out for you.

Lo siento (I feel it)

[wolf-song.livejournal.com]

I wish I knew you, we have a remarkably similar set of weakness. I guess this is just to let you know that 'we' are out here and understand, fully.

Take care...

[madamruppy.livejournal.com]

First and foremost - life is far too short to be misrable. I know - been there done that. My advice - quit your job and work somewhere else. It is clear from things you have said that it isn't really the place for you. Sure it may mean a lower paying job - maybe doing something else that isn't perfect but I think you need to get away. It isn't a perfect solution - but I have made that leap before and believe me it will work out. No for the arts and crafts portion of the program. Cut and past the following text into your word processor. Print it out in the font size of your choosing and glue (yes glue) it on your bathroom mirror. Look at it every day - read it aloud to yourself:

You are:
Beautiful
Enchanting
Funny
Loving
Caring
A great Dancer
A great vet
A good friend
Brilliant
Amazing
Goddess like
Creative
A listener
Perfect

Feel free to be bad

[cristovau.livejournal.com]

One of the best things this winter when I was in crisis was I actually said, "Hey, I'm neurotic." It was very freeing because I don't like thinking of myself that way.

I don't think you're neurotic. I'm not sure what this is. Whatever it is, it's be fine by me. You have full lisence to try and shock me or scare me away.

Sorry I couldn't cheer you up more on Wednesday. Your quiet sadness was pretty loud. Next time I will be more obvious in my scritches and help.

[droewyn.livejournal.com]

*hugs*

I know how hard it can be when things are tough and all you want to do is stop participating in life...

[ladymondegreen.livejournal.com]

Here are a few things that are true:

You will be beautiful, no matter what you weigh or what you look like, because your beauty is not purely external.

Your wedding will be a day for you and your sweetie, the rest is (relatively) irrelevant. Try not to let anyone else's expectations crowd your day.

There are lots of people who love you, and I'm one of them.

*many hugs*
LMG