Ranty Rant Rant
Nov. 10th, 2004 10:06 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
ladyspriteI'm usually a very nice and cheerful and pleasant person. I don't like being angry and cranky, and I do my best not to stay in that frame of mind on the rare occasions that I wind up there. Sometimes, though, in spite of my best attempts otherwise, I get bitchy, and the only thing I can do to move on is to vent. So I'm about to do that, and I apologize in advance if I offend anyone, either by my words or by shattering their image of me as a pure and pristine flower of kindness and gentility.
I am sick and goddamn tired of being told that I need to 'just learn that that's how Person X is, and deal with it.' I hear it at work, I hear it at home, I hear it outside in the world, and I am fed up beyond belief. It's my life, and my corner of the world, and they're impacting my reality. They can pollute up their part of creation with their attitude and their issues to their heart's content, but their entitlement to weave the world to suit their whims stops at the tip of my nose.
I could handle it if this were a two-way street, and they were willing to accept my idiosyncracies and issues. Working together towards a comfortable coexistence is something I understand and support. But the same people who tell me that 'Janey is just like that, and you have to learn to deal with it,' are the first ones to tell me whenever anything irks them, or Janey, that I'm a problem-maker and I need to change in order to fit in, or be part of the team, or make things work smoothly.
Why am I always the one who has to change to make the rest of the world comfortable? Why is it that, when I bother them, I have to change; but when they bother me... somehow, I'm still the one who has to change? Just once in my entire waste of a life, I want the world to adapt to suit me. Not even the world, I'd settle for one small corner of it. I don't even care which one. Everyone else seems to accept it as their daily due; for one day, why can't someone turn around to the world and say, 'This is the way she is, and you're going to have to learn to accept it, and if you can't it's your problem?'
Why are the loud people always perceived as the strong ones? Why can't I be strong, just because I'm quiet? Why do I have to accept them, and reshape my life to suit them, just because they can shout louder than me?
Part of me says that the answer is that I'm such a meek little wimp that I let them push me into the shape they want, and that if I stood up and screamed back they'd give way. But I've tried it, and I stomp my foot and I raise my voice, and I give as good as I get, and even when I'm putting forth reasonable arguments they pat me on the head and tell me not to get hysterical and brush me aside.
I want to be significant. Instead I'm cute. And ultimately forgettable. And not as important as the rest of the world around me, no matter what I do, because I'm always going to have to learn to deal with them, instead of them having to learn to deal with me. And it sucks.
Tomorrow I'll be a good little meek little begonia again, tiny and dear and fit for planting in the box of your choice and pruning into an acceptable shape. Right now, though, I'm really damn angry.
I am sick and goddamn tired of being told that I need to 'just learn that that's how Person X is, and deal with it.' I hear it at work, I hear it at home, I hear it outside in the world, and I am fed up beyond belief. It's my life, and my corner of the world, and they're impacting my reality. They can pollute up their part of creation with their attitude and their issues to their heart's content, but their entitlement to weave the world to suit their whims stops at the tip of my nose.
I could handle it if this were a two-way street, and they were willing to accept my idiosyncracies and issues. Working together towards a comfortable coexistence is something I understand and support. But the same people who tell me that 'Janey is just like that, and you have to learn to deal with it,' are the first ones to tell me whenever anything irks them, or Janey, that I'm a problem-maker and I need to change in order to fit in, or be part of the team, or make things work smoothly.
Why am I always the one who has to change to make the rest of the world comfortable? Why is it that, when I bother them, I have to change; but when they bother me... somehow, I'm still the one who has to change? Just once in my entire waste of a life, I want the world to adapt to suit me. Not even the world, I'd settle for one small corner of it. I don't even care which one. Everyone else seems to accept it as their daily due; for one day, why can't someone turn around to the world and say, 'This is the way she is, and you're going to have to learn to accept it, and if you can't it's your problem?'
Why are the loud people always perceived as the strong ones? Why can't I be strong, just because I'm quiet? Why do I have to accept them, and reshape my life to suit them, just because they can shout louder than me?
Part of me says that the answer is that I'm such a meek little wimp that I let them push me into the shape they want, and that if I stood up and screamed back they'd give way. But I've tried it, and I stomp my foot and I raise my voice, and I give as good as I get, and even when I'm putting forth reasonable arguments they pat me on the head and tell me not to get hysterical and brush me aside.
I want to be significant. Instead I'm cute. And ultimately forgettable. And not as important as the rest of the world around me, no matter what I do, because I'm always going to have to learn to deal with them, instead of them having to learn to deal with me. And it sucks.
Tomorrow I'll be a good little meek little begonia again, tiny and dear and fit for planting in the box of your choice and pruning into an acceptable shape. Right now, though, I'm really damn angry.
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Date: 2004-11-10 07:48 pm (UTC)I am also almost positive that there are times in every person's life that they feel that _they_ are always the ones to have to change/make exceptions/whatever. And sometimes they are, but usually it sort of just seems that way...
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Date: 2004-11-10 09:10 pm (UTC)I'm sorry; I shouldn't have said anything. You're right, people are much more tolerant of me than I probably notice, and I shouldn't really complain.....
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Date: 2004-11-10 10:50 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2004-11-11 05:50 am (UTC)Oh, yes, you should. If it's irritating, you can scream and vent and rant all you like. Here is probably a better forum than in person, especially if you have to deal with any of these people on a daily basis.
You're right, people are much more tolerant of me than I probably notice, and I shouldn't really complain.....
Friends will ignore little idiosyncrasies (sp?) It's part of what friends do.
And I don't think you are forgettable either. :) *hug*
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Date: 2004-11-11 06:06 am (UTC)I ma nto saying what you are feeling is nto valid, i am jsut saying that i think it is not just you...
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Date: 2004-11-11 06:27 am (UTC)No! don't be sorry! don't apologize! you have a right to be angry and don't let anyone take that away from you! and besides, this is YOUR journal!
You're not forgettable, by any means. But that doesn't mean that there aren't people who will take advantage of your good nature and assume that because you are cheerful and sweet, that you are, or ought to be, a pushover. 'Taint so. There's steel in that begonia, and you have every right to let people know that. And every right to be proud of it.