Ranty Rant Rant

[ladysprite]

I'm usually a very nice and cheerful and pleasant person. I don't like being angry and cranky, and I do my best not to stay in that frame of mind on the rare occasions that I wind up there. Sometimes, though, in spite of my best attempts otherwise, I get bitchy, and the only thing I can do to move on is to vent. So I'm about to do that, and I apologize in advance if I offend anyone, either by my words or by shattering their image of me as a pure and pristine flower of kindness and gentility.



I am sick and goddamn tired of being told that I need to 'just learn that that's how Person X is, and deal with it.' I hear it at work, I hear it at home, I hear it outside in the world, and I am fed up beyond belief. It's my life, and my corner of the world, and they're impacting my reality. They can pollute up their part of creation with their attitude and their issues to their heart's content, but their entitlement to weave the world to suit their whims stops at the tip of my nose.

I could handle it if this were a two-way street, and they were willing to accept my idiosyncracies and issues. Working together towards a comfortable coexistence is something I understand and support. But the same people who tell me that 'Janey is just like that, and you have to learn to deal with it,' are the first ones to tell me whenever anything irks them, or Janey, that I'm a problem-maker and I need to change in order to fit in, or be part of the team, or make things work smoothly.

Why am I always the one who has to change to make the rest of the world comfortable? Why is it that, when I bother them, I have to change; but when they bother me... somehow, I'm still the one who has to change? Just once in my entire waste of a life, I want the world to adapt to suit me. Not even the world, I'd settle for one small corner of it. I don't even care which one. Everyone else seems to accept it as their daily due; for one day, why can't someone turn around to the world and say, 'This is the way she is, and you're going to have to learn to accept it, and if you can't it's your problem?'

Why are the loud people always perceived as the strong ones? Why can't I be strong, just because I'm quiet? Why do I have to accept them, and reshape my life to suit them, just because they can shout louder than me?

Part of me says that the answer is that I'm such a meek little wimp that I let them push me into the shape they want, and that if I stood up and screamed back they'd give way. But I've tried it, and I stomp my foot and I raise my voice, and I give as good as I get, and even when I'm putting forth reasonable arguments they pat me on the head and tell me not to get hysterical and brush me aside.

I want to be significant. Instead I'm cute. And ultimately forgettable. And not as important as the rest of the world around me, no matter what I do, because I'm always going to have to learn to deal with them, instead of them having to learn to deal with me. And it sucks.

Tomorrow I'll be a good little meek little begonia again, tiny and dear and fit for planting in the box of your choice and pruning into an acceptable shape. Right now, though, I'm really damn angry.

Comments

[dagibbs.livejournal.com]

Well, I could really add fuel to the fire by saying, "there, there, dear", or "you're really cute when you're angry" but I know better.

I think you should stand up for yourself. I support that position. I think you should get angry when it is appropriate.

And, I don't think you're forgettable. I had no problem with remembering you.

[ladysprite.livejournal.com]

And, I don't think you're forgettable. I had no problem with remembering you.

Yes, but that's because you're an incredible sweetheart. :)

Thank you....

[autographedcat.livejournal.com]

I'm not sure i can argue with cute.

But you are *not* forgettable. Not in a million years. *hug*

And I, for one, like you just like you are.

[tpau]

now, i have no idea who you are talkign about. but i am sure there are peopelout there for whom it IS a two way street, who think that you too have ideosynchasies, and who deal with them.

I am also almost positive that there are times in every person's life that they feel that _they_ are always the ones to have to change/make exceptions/whatever. And sometimes they are, but usually it sort of just seems that way...

[ladysprite.livejournal.com]

I'm not talking about anyone in particular. It's not one person or one situation, it's just a whole bunch of things coming down on my head at once.

I'm sorry; I shouldn't have said anything. You're right, people are much more tolerant of me than I probably notice, and I shouldn't really complain.....

[kightp.livejournal.com]

Aw, bullshit. You get to feel what you feel, and if you can't bitch about it in your journal, what good is it?

[meranthi.livejournal.com]

I shouldn't have said anything.

Oh, yes, you should. If it's irritating, you can scream and vent and rant all you like. Here is probably a better forum than in person, especially if you have to deal with any of these people on a daily basis.

You're right, people are much more tolerant of me than I probably notice, and I shouldn't really complain.....

Friends will ignore little idiosyncrasies (sp?) It's part of what friends do.

And I don't think you are forgettable either. :) *hug*

[tpau]

of course you sshould say htings, it is your journal and it is what it is here for. becauseit is a public forum, you will get (and you know i always haveone) oppinions from me.

I ma nto saying what you are feeling is nto valid, i am jsut saying that i think it is not just you...

[jdulac.livejournal.com]

I'm sorry; I shouldn't have said anything. You're right, people are much more tolerant of me than I probably notice, and I shouldn't really complain...

No! don't be sorry! don't apologize! you have a right to be angry and don't let anyone take that away from you! and besides, this is YOUR journal!

You're not forgettable, by any means. But that doesn't mean that there aren't people who will take advantage of your good nature and assume that because you are cheerful and sweet, that you are, or ought to be, a pushover. 'Taint so. There's steel in that begonia, and you have every right to let people know that. And every right to be proud of it.

[sjo.livejournal.com]

Remember, when someone tells you that you need to 'just learn that that's how Person X is, and deal with it,' it really means that:

1) The person telling you this assumes that X is too weak (or stubborn, or unpleasant, or whatever) to change; and
2) You are a stronger and more reasonable person than X.

I realize that isn't all that comforting when you have had your last nerved stretched by one the Xes, but it is a fact. Some people are together, and are able to function from day to day. Some people have to have other people accommodate their drama, or else they can't function.

Be proud. Ultimately the whiny people are remembered that way. You, however, will be remembered as a capable, effectual person. And really, when it gets right down to it, you know you'd rather be seen that way.

[new-man.livejournal.com]

It is a two way street. It's just not a two way street with everyone all the time. We deal with your quirks, you deal with ours. And if someone is utterly unwilling to deal with yours, you probably shouldn't feel obligated to deal with theirs.

[starcat-jewel.livejournal.com]

Suggestion: pick a battle, just one point that's really important to you, and when they get on your case about it, turn it right back at them. Say on your own behalf, "Well, this is just the way I am and you're going to have to deal with it." And then shrug, and walk away, just the way they do to you.

As long as you pick your issue carefully, it'll be hard (not impossible, and you'll have to be prepared for that) for them to accuse you of "selfishness". When they do, point out that you've bent over backwards to be accomodating to their little idiosyncracies, and it's time the road went both ways for once. And then just go back to your work and let the storm rage over you.

See, the thing is, you can't ask for fair treatment from people like that -- they've already proven to you that this doesn't work. So you have to TAKE it for yourself, and make it stick. As long as you're asking their permission to be treated nicely, they'll keep right on ignoring you.

[vettecat.livejournal.com]

Why can't I be strong, just because I'm quiet?
I know exactly what you mean!

[warinbear.livejournal.com]

<IMO>

You are significant.
You are cute.
You are not forgettable.
You are not hysterical.

</IMO>

That is all.

[melissaagray.livejournal.com]

Unfortunately, it is still human instinct to respect and obey people they see as superior or threatening. You are always so modest and unasuming about your brilliance that making them bend to intellectual will is ulikely....unless you want to start throwing your brain weight around for a few months till they realize who their dealing with....you've got the smarts, I don't think you'd be confortable with talking A LOT with confidence though.

The second option is to be threatening. With your beautiful elvin physique, physically threatening is out, as you've observed. You could try the twichy psyco lady routine....the one that might slip aresnic in your coffee if you cross her. It won't get you friend, but it will get you loads of accomidation by others.

Truth be told, you really have to repsect yourself to get others to respect you. When you give off the vibe "I'm really sweet and nice...and I know I'm not as impressive as I should be, but if I make up for it by being really sweet to you, will you accept me" people take it as open season to take advantage of you. Being Loud and Angry is NOT the same as giving off the vibe of confidence and self respect. Shouting in arguments never helps, because it's too late....since you already told them everything they need to know by the way you held your head when you walked into the room that morning.

[tafkad.livejournal.com]

First of all, you are significant and unforgettable, as far as I'm concerned. You gave me the coolest present I've ever, ever received (and I'm not talking about the slippers).

Second, I understand what you mean. I've frequently been at the bottom of the pecking order, myself, and it's awful. Another gem is when someone tells me I should defer to so-and-so because that person is really bright. As though I weren't. Part of the problem, of course, is being in a hobby that attracts a lot of know-it-alls and grandstanders. I love my friends, but there are times when I really, really wish they would stop talking to me as though I'd just fallen off the turnip truck.

As to the "standing up for yourself" thing, don't bother, hon. The people who have decided you're below them in the pecking order will only resent that you're trying to rise up above your proper place. I have a neighbor like that. I just try to get through encounters with him as quickly as possible without displaying actual disgust.

Good luck, Becky. The people who really matter love you and know you're not the intellectual equivalent of Twinkies.

Quiet eloquence

[cristovau.livejournal.com]

I think that you can be strong. If you told me quietly and peacefully, "I really hate it when you do X," I would pay more attention than if someone else yelled at me.

But maybe that's just me. I think the whole "You just have to deal with Mr. Problem," comes down to a we know they don't own up to their problem(s), but they are important to us despite this and we don't think challenging the problem is going to help. This may or may not be true and you get to decide whether you want to buy into the don't rock the boat theory.

In any case, you get to be angry whenever you need to and you have full permission to apply that rule to me and mine.

[jducoeur]

Well, there's nothing saying to have to accept their flaws; indeed, sometimes it can healthiest to point them out directly (although it's usually safest to do so privately, in my experience). You definitely don't have to be meek, nor to quietly accept asymmetries. Just remember that the reaction of person A to person B's flaws is different for every combination, and tends to be idiosyncraic.

And sorry if I set this off...