New Relationship Woes

[ladysprite]

I've been with these people for over a month now. We've seen each other more days than not, gossiped together, shared jokes and secrets and advice and opinions. I've done my best to encourage bonding over common interests, and to convince them that, while I'm slightly kooky and outside the mainstream, I really am a sane and likeable person. But eventually, in all relationships, the Scary Point comes. My coworkers are realizing that I'm a Fannish SCAdian Roleplaying SF Geek.

I thought I could be subtle about it at first - it's easy to pass Arisia off as a 'gathering of friends,' or a vague reunion-like event. And I avoided going into detail on my weekly dance classes; just mentioning that I do historic dance is usually enough to convince anyone to change the subject. The only person even vaguely interested was the office Ren Faire junkie, and she was appeased with a response of 'Yeah, kinda like that.'

But it infiltrates my life at all levels, and eventually it's not possible to continue hiding, especially for someone like myself who breaks out in hives at the thought of actually lying. Questions about how I met my husband eventually push to the revelation that he was the GM for my first AD&D game in college. The paperbacks in my purse always manage to have unicorns or werewolves on the covers. And I can't help but enthuse about my latest foray into teaching dance for the Greatest Commedia dell'Arte Troupe in the Entire World.

Unfortunately, while my quirkiness has been tolerated and even occasionally seen as charming in other workplaces, I think they're going to take a little while to get used to it here. Flat stares, tiny smirks, and the eternally annoying question of, 'So, like, do you, like, dress up? In, like, costumes, and stuff?' delivered in the same tone that one might ask a person if they had sex with household appliances were the majority of my experience yesterday when it slipped out in chatting that I do historic reenactment.

I think they'll learn to handle it. But something tells me that I should keep the live-action roleplaying and late-night trips to Man Ray under my hat for now....

Comments

[jiggliusceasar.livejournal.com]

As long as you never talk use the phrase "make a Heal check" while dealing with a patient, you should be fine.

[jadasc.livejournal.com]

"And my ranks in Handle Animal give me a synergy bonus!"

[mindways]

ker-*SNORK*

Thank you. :)

[spectoria.livejournal.com]

Keeping in mind that I refer to my hobby as "cryptofolk research," when in fact I am a certified, ghost-chasing paranormal researcher, I'd like to say that there is nothing wrong with having an "unusual hobby."

My guess it that your co-workers have never met anyone who does this sort of thing and can not process it via their regular methods of classification. They are probably wondering if "does historic reenactments" goes under Game Playing or Weird Sexual Practices. :0)

When I tried to explain to The Beloved Object that Puggles' hobby was LARP, frankly he was at a loss as to how to grasp the concept. And this is someone who has played D&D. He's pretty shy, so the idea that adults would want to run around in costume pretending to be someone else all weekend sounds strange. My guess is that your co-workers are in the same boat. If I were you, I'd bring in some photos to share so they can see that this is a bunch of normal people who have a fun and interesting hobby.

Also consider this point, if you were part of a theater company that put on Shakespeare in the Round or a RenFair performer, do you think they would have reacted differently? I doubt it. You are an interesting person with an interesting past time. Don't be afraid to share it with others. You are normal. Go be normal.

One last point, just because I thought of this. Everyone is enthusiastic about their hobby, sometimes it's what you live for and the reason you work; but its only really quirky when you decide you need to wear your Star Fleet Uniform to jury duty. That's when it becomes a news item.

[tafkad.livejournal.com]

You are normal. Go be normal.

Oh, poor ladysprite! How could you say such a cruel and awful thing?

ladysprite, you are much, much better than normal (in a non-threatening fashion). Go be much, much better than normal. :-)

[spectoria.livejournal.com]

But "normal" is a relative thing, isn't it?

One step at a time

[cristovau.livejournal.com]

At my office (and mind you I work with a fairly conservative marketing department) I leaked my unusual hobbies slowly.

Theater was first. I called the shows local, amateur productions and that was all right by most people. Luckily, the shows were Shakespeare and that can be seen as faily impressive. Might I suggest showing off how beautiful you looked in A Midsummer's Night Dream as one possible introduction? It's hard to say, "Eek, weird!" when presented with beauty.

Then I slowly leaked Pennsic. I had to. I first called it a camping trip and afterwards called it a big amateur rennfaire and provided pictures and postcards - things people can grasp like entertainers and battle scenes and some of the encampment pictures. Calling Pennsic a rennfaire is misleading, but my coworkers wouldn't know the difference.

Other than that, I've never even had to explain my interest in dance. A lot of people accept dance as a normal hobby (and insert their own images of two-step, ballroom or clubbing as appropriate)

You have a active social group that many people would envy if they understood. I don't think you should worry about it being too weird. In the end most of my coworkers say that I'm busy and that I do a lot of crazy things, but it isn't with the slowly back away voice, they say it with a touch of longing.

Re: One step at a time

[spectoria.livejournal.com]

Exactly what I was trying to say...only you managed to get all the words in the right places.

Do you pay a bonus when they work well together like that?

Re: One step at a time

[cristovau.livejournal.com]

Do you pay a bonus when they work well together like that?

No, if you give them too much words get uppity and start wearing purple. They'll line up the way I say and they'll like it.

Seriously, if your words revolt on you, everything winds up sounding like beat poetry. Do you really want to answer "Graciously Green," to the question, "How are you?"

Re: One step at a time

[siderea]

Do you really want to answer "Graciously Green," to the question, "How are you?"

OooOOOOOOOoooooooo! I'll have to try that one!

Re: One step at a time

[spectoria.livejournal.com]

Well I try to keep 'em happy, but providing health insurance is getting to be a hassle.

Re: One step at a time

[starcat-jewel.livejournal.com]

It's amazing what some people will think of as freaky. The selfsame people at one job who talked about going line-dancing looked at me as if I'd grown another head when I mentioned contradancing. (Of course, some of that was probably the whole "Does that have to do with Nigeria?" thing, despite my explanations.) And I once had a boss at a bank who gave me The Eye when I asked to participate in the company-sanctioned Holiday Choir (we sang carols in the lobby during lunchtime for the 3 or 4 days prior to Christmas).

Re: One step at a time

[outlander.livejournal.com]

when explaining pennsic to people, i tend to call it a 'conference' with classes on different topics... I will only go into more detail with a few people.

Well...

[whiffert.livejournal.com]

At least you dan't have to explain Furry Fandom to anyone! So far I just pass it off as a SciFi convention when I go off to a con.. its all anyone at my job needs to know.

Where I work its a good idea to keep one's hobbies etc. to one's self. Anything is grist for the mill there and they can be brutal at times. Warehouse workers are not at all genteel. One of our Supervisors has taken up raising Alpacas and brings his big glossy alpaca magazines to work everyday. The Alpaca-Sex jokes never cease!

I guess how open you are about your life outside work depends upon how you think it will be received in the workplace. Among educated folks there should be less to worry about, but even they sometimes have hang-ups about anyone straying beyond the social norms.

Rob

Re: Well...

[spectoria.livejournal.com]

Which reminds me that recently we discovered that a couple we know is involved in "rabbit rescue" efforts...at first I thought they meant they went to animal shelters and adopted unwanted rabbits. However, I got the impression they may be involved in something a bit more para-military involving breaking and entering.

[meranthi.livejournal.com]

A month after I started at my current job, I had to explain why I wanted the Friday and Monday off around Intercon. Thankfully, my boss had played D&D in college and could grok they idea of a gaming convention. But it's not something I talk about a lot.

[spectoria.livejournal.com]

I felt the same way when I took off a Friday to ghost hunt at a nude beach in Santa Cruz (no, no ghosties that I saw). In the end I just said "I'm going camping" and when I got back I said "Well, it turned out to be clothing optional..." which was a story in itself.

[freyja.livejournal.com]

i'm trying to figure out where you could possibly be in mass that that would be unheard of... was practically commonplace everywhere i went.

[siderea]

Professional and Human Services. It's truly another world.

[freyja.livejournal.com]

i thought she was a vet...

[siderea]

Yeah. Professional Services.

[freyja.livejournal.com]

so that means i've been working in professional services as well.

[siderea]

Um... "Surprise!"? :)

So your co-workers are hip to the Weird Archipelago?

[freyja.livejournal.com]

i'm not really SCA or anything, but we have some, *ahem* quirky people here... i just... can't see the snarkiness about it where i've worked, which i thought was what ladysprite was implying. at angell i sort of feel like everyone is extended family and we all just sort of deal with each other.

and i mean, hello, massachusetts area, tons of ren faires all the time? i just can't see people not making the leap.

[siderea]

and i mean, hello, massachusetts area, tons of ren faires all the time? i just can't see people not making the leap.

*shrug* And yet, obviously, they exist. I've certainly met plenty. I benefit from the fact that in my environment, you can get graded down for being insufficiently accepting. :)

[siderea]

Unfortunately, while my quirkiness has been tolerated and even occasionally seen as charming in other workplaces, I think they're going to take a little while to get used to it here. Flat stares, tiny smirks, and the eternally annoying question of, 'So, like, do you, like, dress up? In, like, costumes, and stuff?' delivered in the same tone that one might ask a person if they had sex with household appliances were the majority of my experience yesterday when it slipped out in chatting that I do historic reenactment.

Ah, yes. I feel your pain. I have necessarily been explaining to classmates that one of my professional populations of interest is, basically, people who have sex with household appliances. :)

There are people in the world who expect that one of the benefits of adulthood is to be able to share condescention about certain things. They're almost not fussy about which things, though if they've settled down on one set, they get put out if they have to change. Mostly it's that they feel entitled to sneer about something, because they enjoy sneering and feeling superior.

My approach is to be unrepentant and willing to share. Being undefensive and happy to chat about one's hobby tends to throw such people off their stride. It's a form of not playing along with their condescension game. If one doesn't return defensiveness to their condescension, often they are taken aback and wonder if they've misstepped.

[starcat-jewel.livejournal.com]

Yes, exactly. Or sometimes condescending back, if they've said something of truly extraordinary inanity. Explaining something that would be reasonably obvious given 3 seconds' thought, using the patient sort of voice with which one explains reality to a 3-year-old, can put them completely off their game.

[siderea]

I have to disagree: condescending back is generally read as being defensive.

[jducoeur]

My approach is to be unrepentant and willing to share. Being undefensive and happy to chat about one's hobby tends to throw such people off their stride.

Yaas; moreover, it tends to defuse the condescension before it can begin -- they're too confused to condescend initially, and it's too awkward after that.

My co-workers begin to figure out that I'm strange on certain days -- for example, the second Monday of the month, when I leave work in a tuxedo. They look at me a bit strangely, smile, I wave goodbye on my way out, and the next day they come up to me and say, "Huh?" And frankly, once they've internalized the notion that I'm a Freemason, the doublet and short pants for the SCA demo just doesn't seem so odd...

[mr-teem.livejournal.com]

I've had a reasonable advantage in that the software industry already has a large percentage of geeks of one kind or another. But the job I have now is the first time where I've found myself in an almost-entirely mundane group of co-workers. Being the token long-haired guy in the group already makes me stand out but it became clear pretty quickly that child-rearing, sports and the latest layoff rumors were the conversational topics of choice. (Except for one lone SCAdian in Quintavia.)

I suspect being in that environment has blunted any attempts to hide things and the buttons and odd stuffies (Cthulhu, etc.) in my cubicle basically shout that I'm out of the mainstream, whatever that is. On the other hand, they're a mundane test: the ones who laugh at the buttons or recognize the Ebola stuffie are more interesting to hang out with.

As for Manray, a while ago New Guy spotted me driving to the garage in Central Square, which led to a discussion Monday about my nickname (on my license plate) and when asked I said I almost always go to Manray down there. He got big-eyed with surprise and whispered, "You are...gawth?" He hasn't asked me much about my weekends since then.

[braider.livejournal.com]

The simple answer: be proud of having sex with household appliances.

;-)

[hfcougar.livejournal.com]

I'm lucky in that in my current workplace, there used to be a guy who was a Revolutionary War re-enactor, on the British side, and was sorely lacking in social skills to boot. (He left the semester before I moved here.) He used to come to work in his uniform, weapons and all, and was thoroughly convinced in every fiber of his being that if only the British had won the Revolutionary War, he would be popular, rich, and a man of important social standing. Which he would expound upon, at length.

Compared to him, I'm normal.

I've told them that if they find a picture of him in his Revolutionary uniform to post, that they can put up a picture of me in my medieval garb on our internal web site. So far they haven't found one.

Apart from limited mentions of #callahans, which is its own trip to try to explain, I don't talk about my other fannish activities. (Such as they are, which is to say, not much.) I call things like Arisia a "conference" or "convention" and they just assume I'm going to yet another professional-type librarian conference.

[vettecat.livejournal.com]

Wow. I can't imagine someone having a problem with a hobby that harms nobody and doesn't detract from your work... I guess I'm fortunate that I haven't run across that. Maybe you could draw a parallel to the people that reenact the Lexington/Concord battle on Patriot's Day? Everyone seems to accept that as normal.