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ladyspriteI feel like I should be Accomplishing Great Things right now. And yet... I'm not.
Work is a little slow for the next couple of months, and to be completely honest, I've made a conscious decision to let it stay that way. It's one of the hardest things I've ever done - growing up poor, there's a constant pressure to work more, work harder, earn more money, save more money, prepare for the inevitable catastrophes that will come your way. But while I'm not wealthy, I have to admit that I can live on what I'm earning with my current level of work, and that it'll probably be good for me to slow down the pace I've been living at for a little while.
The challenge now, though, is the feeling that I should be doing more with the downtime. I'm still working 4 days a week, but free time is free time, and part of me keeps shouting that I should be able to Accomplish. Get more translating done. Clean the house. Take on challenging cooking projects. Practice tango more often. Write something deep and meaningful here. Learn something useful.
Unfortunately, all I seem to really want to do is read, and go for walks, and play games. And while people tell me that this is okay, that it's allowed, that part of being a grownup is being able to choose to fritter your time away, it doesn't quite feel true.
So I read, and I play, and I feel guilty, and I sit down to write, and nothing comes out but this. Which, while it counts as writing, is neither deep nor meaningful. I thought that maybe by putting it into words I would be able to make myself understand it, feel better about the minutes and the hours and the evenings where I'm not driving myself, but I'm not sure I do.
Most of all, I want to have fun. I don't want to feel like I'm working, and I don't want to feel like I'm drifting, and I don't want to feel like I'm wasting time with whatever choice I've made. I just want to enjoy whatever the heck it is I've chosen to do....
Work is a little slow for the next couple of months, and to be completely honest, I've made a conscious decision to let it stay that way. It's one of the hardest things I've ever done - growing up poor, there's a constant pressure to work more, work harder, earn more money, save more money, prepare for the inevitable catastrophes that will come your way. But while I'm not wealthy, I have to admit that I can live on what I'm earning with my current level of work, and that it'll probably be good for me to slow down the pace I've been living at for a little while.
The challenge now, though, is the feeling that I should be doing more with the downtime. I'm still working 4 days a week, but free time is free time, and part of me keeps shouting that I should be able to Accomplish. Get more translating done. Clean the house. Take on challenging cooking projects. Practice tango more often. Write something deep and meaningful here. Learn something useful.
Unfortunately, all I seem to really want to do is read, and go for walks, and play games. And while people tell me that this is okay, that it's allowed, that part of being a grownup is being able to choose to fritter your time away, it doesn't quite feel true.
So I read, and I play, and I feel guilty, and I sit down to write, and nothing comes out but this. Which, while it counts as writing, is neither deep nor meaningful. I thought that maybe by putting it into words I would be able to make myself understand it, feel better about the minutes and the hours and the evenings where I'm not driving myself, but I'm not sure I do.
Most of all, I want to have fun. I don't want to feel like I'm working, and I don't want to feel like I'm drifting, and I don't want to feel like I'm wasting time with whatever choice I've made. I just want to enjoy whatever the heck it is I've chosen to do....
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Date: 2011-05-27 10:55 pm (UTC)I'm finding that there's a kind of interesting dichotomy for me. On the one hand, I need some down time. On the other, bored time is when my brain can start telling me lies, and I can end up feeling most miserable.
I do know this: for certain things, like writing, I need the right balance of busy-ness and restfulness. If I'm overworked, my writing suffers. If I'm too bored, I need to organize too much to start writing, so I do something else instead.
I also find that if I structure my day just a bit, I tend to be better off than if I don't. The first two days of swing shift, I got up, exercised, made tea and breakfast, and felt like I was living just a fine life. I even *left the house to go to the store and came home before leaving for work*. (For some reason, "leaving the house" feels like it has to take far-too-long for me.)
Of course, the past two days... well, let's just say it's supposed to be 2-11, not 2-12:30 or later :-).
But some kind of structure seems to help me. Especially if I can toss it aside for something more important.