Time

[ladysprite]

I feel like I should be Accomplishing Great Things right now. And yet... I'm not.

Work is a little slow for the next couple of months, and to be completely honest, I've made a conscious decision to let it stay that way. It's one of the hardest things I've ever done - growing up poor, there's a constant pressure to work more, work harder, earn more money, save more money, prepare for the inevitable catastrophes that will come your way. But while I'm not wealthy, I have to admit that I can live on what I'm earning with my current level of work, and that it'll probably be good for me to slow down the pace I've been living at for a little while.

The challenge now, though, is the feeling that I should be doing more with the downtime. I'm still working 4 days a week, but free time is free time, and part of me keeps shouting that I should be able to Accomplish. Get more translating done. Clean the house. Take on challenging cooking projects. Practice tango more often. Write something deep and meaningful here. Learn something useful.

Unfortunately, all I seem to really want to do is read, and go for walks, and play games. And while people tell me that this is okay, that it's allowed, that part of being a grownup is being able to choose to fritter your time away, it doesn't quite feel true.

So I read, and I play, and I feel guilty, and I sit down to write, and nothing comes out but this. Which, while it counts as writing, is neither deep nor meaningful. I thought that maybe by putting it into words I would be able to make myself understand it, feel better about the minutes and the hours and the evenings where I'm not driving myself, but I'm not sure I do.

Most of all, I want to have fun. I don't want to feel like I'm working, and I don't want to feel like I'm drifting, and I don't want to feel like I'm wasting time with whatever choice I've made. I just want to enjoy whatever the heck it is I've chosen to do....

Comments

[johnpalmer.livejournal.com]

Heh. This is why I decided to study some cooking/baking stuff while unemployed.

I'm finding that there's a kind of interesting dichotomy for me. On the one hand, I need some down time. On the other, bored time is when my brain can start telling me lies, and I can end up feeling most miserable.

I do know this: for certain things, like writing, I need the right balance of busy-ness and restfulness. If I'm overworked, my writing suffers. If I'm too bored, I need to organize too much to start writing, so I do something else instead.

I also find that if I structure my day just a bit, I tend to be better off than if I don't. The first two days of swing shift, I got up, exercised, made tea and breakfast, and felt like I was living just a fine life. I even *left the house to go to the store and came home before leaving for work*. (For some reason, "leaving the house" feels like it has to take far-too-long for me.)

Of course, the past two days... well, let's just say it's supposed to be 2-11, not 2-12:30 or later :-).

But some kind of structure seems to help me. Especially if I can toss it aside for something more important.

[felis-sidus.livejournal.com]

This may be a dangerous question to ask you, and if it is, I apologize. But... Do you feel guilty for sleeping? Recreation is just as important as sleep, if you want to maintain a healthy mind and body. And recreation includes reading and going for walks and playing games. It's by letting ourselves have some down time that we allow our minds to re-boot, so to speak. And you know what happens to your computer if you don't re-boot it regularly, don't you? It gets all cluttered up with temp files and fragments of files, and all sorts of detritus.

Of course, if you want to feel extra virtuous, you could always remember that reading, walking, and playing games provide exercise for your mind and body, so really, you're working out!

[bess.livejournal.com]

You have accomplished so much in the past year. All the work you've been doing, all the progress you've made and are still making... when there's nothing tangible to point to, it's easy to make light of accomplishments. Even when you're reading, or walking, or playing games, there's healing going on. Healing and growth need rest. Physical healing and growth need physical rest... emotional/psychological healing and growth needs mental rest... So, if you need to do things that don't have tangible results, and it seems like you do need that now, then that's what you need, and that's okay. Because you are doing a lot.

[citabria]

I'm not entirely sure how to put this, so please bear with me.

Sometimes I'll feel frustrated because I'm spending my time off the way you are. It's relaxing, but it feels like time-wasting relaxing, not Accomplishing Something with my day(s) off. It's not doing what I want to be doing, because the day seems to be gone before I can even get started.

What I've discovered is that that usually happens, for me, because I'm suffering from a Lack of Fun. Big, big capital letter FUN. Not just relaxing, or just hanging out, but FUN!. Going to the beach FUN!. Going to an amusement/water park FUN!. Playing in a sprinkler FUN!. Spending a day doing goofy things with my favorite people FUN! Going to watch silly movies FUN!.

After I've had a sufficient amount of FUN!, I can go back to using my free time the way I actually *want* to use it -- whether reading, baking bread, cleaning the house, whatever. I've gotten to really PLAY! so I'm able to actually direct my free time again.

I don't know whether that makes any sense, or whether I've even described it well. But it's something I've noticed again and again in myself, and maybe it's an observation that might help you. {{{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}